I don't understand this 30 Days of Stuff malarky. Mainly because I don't really understand the passage of time. From what I can gather from what Gasher and Cunt were blabbering on about at my cousin's Bar Mitzvah, 30 days is around about 79 women, or 237 shags. Or to put it into terms you fat virgins will understand, 0 shags. Anyway, I went outside with Joe for a smoke and we got talking about all the women I've shagged and all the women he has failed to shag. It made me realise, I've pretty much shagged an atlas. 

This article is a part of FoulENT's 30 Days of Stuff! Click here to read all 30 Days entries and be sure to come back every day in May for new stuff just like this!

​My favourite quote of all time is:

“Women pretend they like things like a sense of humour and being nice, but really what they like is a selfish cunt who is definitely going to finger their nan at Christmas and use that finger to mix the stuffing.” – Jary, 2015

It takes an almost surreal level of grandiosity to quote yourself but that’s exactly what I just did. Fortunately, my erratic ramblings about fingerblasting are more profound than anything you will ever say. Nobody cares about what you have to say because you’ve never even fingered one nan, let alone all of them. But there’s a problem: nans. Unless you’re my friend Azza T who is a granddad at 36, most grandparents are bare old. Nans appreciate the art of fingering because in their day fingering was all the rage. You couldn’t get into most clubs unless you were being fingered as you walked in.  These days, kids either kick off with the oral (worst thing you can do mate) or even worse, straight in with the dick.

I’m not here to tell you how to shag properly, except I am. Put your dick back in your pants, close your Pornhub window (you’re not fooling anyone) and take some advice from a shagging professional before you disappoint any more women with your inept sexual abilities. Keep the noise down before you wake your mom up, except you won’t because she’s too busy receiving a fingerblasting masterclass (by me).

This article is a part of FoulENT's 30 Days of Stuff! Click here to read all 30 Days entries and be sure to come back every day in May for new stuff just like this!

​I know exactly what you're thinking. Jary, how the hell could anyone shag too hard? All you ever do is shag, surely if anyone shags too much it's you! Well, these losers can't hack the pace like me. That's why they are in the state they are. Read on, fair reader, to see into the soul of people who just can't shag.

Women’s History Month is a cause for celebration, and I will honour this event by doing something more interesting than talking about women’s history; talking about women I have ploughed.

Have you ever had one of those days when you simply can’t stop wanking? I haven’t. I’m too busy shagging. I recently had a bunch of emails from people (losers) saying that they’ve put my advice into practice in bars and clubs, but they’re not going home with seven different women a night like I am. Well, I never once said these were the best places to pick up women.

You need to have certain swag to get noticed on the sexual battlefield that is bars and clubs, and if you’re reading this, you don’t have it. Truth is, every social interaction is a place to pick up easy snatch. I once went to an STD clinic for my weekly check up and ended up shagging the nurse.  If you’re struggling to pull, try your luck at the following pick up hotspots.

Sometimes I stop what I’m doing and ask myself ‘can I get laid by doing this?’ If the answer to that question is no, I immediately stop doing that thing.  Such was the case when I picked up a bass guitar. My mate Steve was teaching me how to play a Red Hot Chili Peppers song and he was awful. So shit, in fact, that he was repelling the fanny I had managed to pull by playing a xylophone with my teeth. 

​This got me thinking; how many women could I pull if I could play an actual instrument, and not just one played by idiots? So I conducted an experiment. Below you will find a comprehensive list of the best (and worst) instruments you can play to make yourself more attractive to the opposite sex (birds).

Break ups are tough. I should know. I break up other people’s relationships enough to realise that what these people go through isn’t exactly pleasurable. That is until the female half of the relationship sends me a picture of her tits, then things get bare pleasurable. People who have been dumped make a great audience for gossip websites and advice columnists, because they are willing to devour any old shit if it makes them feel better, or tells them how not to come across like a desperate loser.

Well, I’m here to tell you to stop being a pussy. Everyone gets dumped at some point. Except me. I’ve only been dumped by three women and that was because I was having sex with all of them at the same time.  Don’t listen to what any other article tells you about how to feel after a break up. They are wrong. They are written by a bald guy in his 50s who has been married for 25 years. He hasn’t seen his cock in a decade because of his fat gut and no amount of makeup will make his wife’s face look any less like an undercooked omelette. I am an authority on this because I live the by the 3 S’s: Shag, sleep, shag someone else.

Yes, I will probably lie about fixing your computer if it gives me a crack at your minge and yes, I will definitely cheat on you, but there are crimes far worse than fingering your better looking sister, or your uglier sister.

 You can't go too far though, if they are too ugly you can't get the rock on and there is no shagging. So without further ado, here is my top ten ugly tarts I would still larrup one into.