Believe it or not, social media can be used for more than just looking at pictures of birds you went to school with. In fact, most people miss out on the advantages social media offers because they’re too busy looking at pictures of Lydia Taylor before she got fat. But don’t just take my word for it. I’m going to hand you across to someone who knows his way around social media like I know my way around your mom’s innards.  

Presenting…

This article is a part of FoulENT's 30 Days of Stuff! Click here to read all 30 Days entries and be sure to come back every day in November for new stuff just like this!

​A few weeks ago, I woke up next to a bird named Alison who said to me "Jary, you know we only met 6 hours ago?". My response to her was "it could be worse, it could have been 5 hours ago". After I had finished laughing at my own joke, I ended up with one of Alison's tits in my mouth and the other on my nuts. Her tits were so massive that this was achieved with relative ease.

Alison was just one of the many birds I've met via online dating; a tool for hooking up with women which a lot of men seem to have problems with. Luckily, I'm here to educate you losers on how to attract the best pieces of skirt available. I'll be telling you which ones are the single mothers only looking for "this week's dad", the boring women who think that their job as an auditor is a substitute for having no personality, and the big tittied slags who can wrap their tits around your head and your balls at the same time.

This article is a part of FoulENT's 30 Days of Stuff! Click here to read all 30 Days entries and be sure to come back every day in November for new stuff just like this!

I've spent a lot of my life having sex with women. I'm 37 now, that's a solid 31 years of shagging under my belt. In this time I've managed to fine tune how I rate the attractiveness of a woman, and thus whether I would be willing to create the beast with two backs with her. So finally after almost 52 years of waiting is the Jary Rating System fully explained.

I know what you're thinking. "But Jary, what do you know about jobs?" Well I'll tell you for starters I've had more blow jobs than you can count. But second, I've also had more than 37 jobs. If there is one thing I have done almost as much as shagging, then it's going for job interviews. Because I'm the sharing type (I usually share my spunk with birds, but this will have to do) I'm going to let you in on my secret as to how I managed to blag more than 37 jobs. Read on sconners if you want to be as much of a success as me.

I don't understand this 30 Days of Stuff malarky. Mainly because I don't really understand the passage of time. From what I can gather from what Gasher and Cunt were blabbering on about at my cousin's Bar Mitzvah, 30 days is around about 79 women, or 237 shags. Or to put it into terms you fat virgins will understand, 0 shags. Anyway, I went outside with Joe for a smoke and we got talking about all the women I've shagged and all the women he has failed to shag. It made me realise, I've pretty much shagged an atlas. 

This article is a part of FoulENT's 30 Days of Stuff! Click here to read all 30 Days entries and be sure to come back every day in May for new stuff just like this!

​My favourite quote of all time is:

“Women pretend they like things like a sense of humour and being nice, but really what they like is a selfish cunt who is definitely going to finger their nan at Christmas and use that finger to mix the stuffing.” – Jary, 2015

It takes an almost surreal level of grandiosity to quote yourself but that’s exactly what I just did. Fortunately, my erratic ramblings about fingerblasting are more profound than anything you will ever say. Nobody cares about what you have to say because you’ve never even fingered one nan, let alone all of them. But there’s a problem: nans. Unless you’re my friend Azza T who is a granddad at 36, most grandparents are bare old. Nans appreciate the art of fingering because in their day fingering was all the rage. You couldn’t get into most clubs unless you were being fingered as you walked in.  These days, kids either kick off with the oral (worst thing you can do mate) or even worse, straight in with the dick.

I’m not here to tell you how to shag properly, except I am. Put your dick back in your pants, close your Pornhub window (you’re not fooling anyone) and take some advice from a shagging professional before you disappoint any more women with your inept sexual abilities. Keep the noise down before you wake your mom up, except you won’t because she’s too busy receiving a fingerblasting masterclass (by me).

This article is a part of FoulENT's 30 Days of Stuff! Click here to read all 30 Days entries and be sure to come back every day in May for new stuff just like this!

​I know exactly what you're thinking. Jary, how the hell could anyone shag too hard? All you ever do is shag, surely if anyone shags too much it's you! Well, these losers can't hack the pace like me. That's why they are in the state they are. Read on, fair reader, to see into the soul of people who just can't shag.

Women’s History Month is a cause for celebration, and I will honour this event by doing something more interesting than talking about women’s history; talking about women I have ploughed.

Have you ever had one of those days when you simply can’t stop wanking? I haven’t. I’m too busy shagging. I recently had a bunch of emails from people (losers) saying that they’ve put my advice into practice in bars and clubs, but they’re not going home with seven different women a night like I am. Well, I never once said these were the best places to pick up women.

You need to have certain swag to get noticed on the sexual battlefield that is bars and clubs, and if you’re reading this, you don’t have it. Truth is, every social interaction is a place to pick up easy snatch. I once went to an STD clinic for my weekly check up and ended up shagging the nurse.  If you’re struggling to pull, try your luck at the following pick up hotspots.

Sometimes I stop what I’m doing and ask myself ‘can I get laid by doing this?’ If the answer to that question is no, I immediately stop doing that thing.  Such was the case when I picked up a bass guitar. My mate Steve was teaching me how to play a Red Hot Chili Peppers song and he was awful. So shit, in fact, that he was repelling the fanny I had managed to pull by playing a xylophone with my teeth. 

​This got me thinking; how many women could I pull if I could play an actual instrument, and not just one played by idiots? So I conducted an experiment. Below you will find a comprehensive list of the best (and worst) instruments you can play to make yourself more attractive to the opposite sex (birds).