1 - Staying In
If not, things can get complicated. A mate of mine once told me "Once I'm inside a bird you will need King Arthur to pull me out", and that’s fair enough. Staying inside a bird is class. But that mate of mine now has sixteen kids and spends his days drinking Taurus on his front lawn.
2 - Staying Protected
Anyway, always check with a bird if she’s protected. If she’s not, just pee on her leg and hope that your pull out game is strong. Don’t use a condom though, unless you’re a loser
3 - Farting
If she queefs, try not to get offended and ask her straight up "So what’s a bird like you doing in Natwest? And did you just queef?" If she says yes, chuck your muck up her flaps and give her a fake number.
4 - Approaching Anal Sex
5 - Treating My Cock With Respect
Anyway, when I’m ploughing your snatch with my love truncheon, don’t try and be erotic by referring to it as something stupid. And while we’re on the subject of talking dirty, you can call me 'Daddy' all you want, but the chances of me calling you 'Mommy' are slim, even though you’re my mates mom. Also, getting your gums round my plums is usually awesome, but don’t go right in there with the teeth straight away. Build up to it. I go down on a bird for at least five minutes before I start flicking her clit.
6 - Texting Other Birds Whilst We're Shagging
I learnt the hard way that birds like to think that they’re the only bird you’re shagging
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Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.