The reason I get so much sex is because I play by the rules. Granted they are rules which I just make up to get birds back to my house, but this doesn’t change the fact that I have bruised more ovaries than an NHS smear test. There are definite Do’s and Do Not’s when it comes to shagging, and there are some fools out there who think breaking these rules makes you a top shelf shagger like me. This is not the case.
Yes, I will probably lie about fixing your computer if it gives me a crack at your minge and yes, I will definitely cheat on you, but there are crimes far worse than fingering your better looking sister, or your uglier sister.
1 - Staying In
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In professional porn, cumming inside a bird’s minge is frowned upon. For me at least, porn is not porn unless a bird’s face looks like a badly tiled bathroom, so I'm not really that bothered. In real life though, I usually don’t agree to a shag unless it’s guaranteed I can spray the insides of her fanny with my one coat gloss. But that’s where I'm playing by the rules, because if you’re going to Jackson Pollock inside a bird you've met at the Dog & Feathers, always agree it beforehand.
If not, things can get complicated. A mate of mine once told me "Once I'm inside a bird you will need King Arthur to pull me out", and that’s fair enough. Staying inside a bird is class. But that mate of mine now has sixteen kids and spends his days drinking Taurus on his front lawn.
If not, things can get complicated. A mate of mine once told me "Once I'm inside a bird you will need King Arthur to pull me out", and that’s fair enough. Staying inside a bird is class. But that mate of mine now has sixteen kids and spends his days drinking Taurus on his front lawn.
2 - Staying Protected
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This one goes hand in hand with the above. Taking an unprotected load of my spunk would be worse than being punched in the teeth by Superman’s dick. I will definitely knock you up. I once impregnated a seventy year old infertile man. It’s a long story, but this one time me and Mikey D were prowling around an old people’s home for some geriatric snatch but they all turned out to be ugly. I ended up just having a wank, but some of my spermatozoa got onto this old bloke’s fleece.
Anyway, always check with a bird if she’s protected. If she’s not, just pee on her leg and hope that your pull out game is strong. Don’t use a condom though, unless you’re a loser
Anyway, always check with a bird if she’s protected. If she’s not, just pee on her leg and hope that your pull out game is strong. Don’t use a condom though, unless you’re a loser
3 - Farting
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Farting will always be funny, but the key to hilarious farting is timing it correctly. Try to do one silently in a lift or at the doctor’s office. It’s class. If a bird is on top of you and she’s riding you like a cheap go kart, sometimes the friction of a fat bird’s rolls can make squelching sounds. If this happens, don’t acknowledge it. Instead, just do a massive fart and try not to shit your pants.
If she queefs, try not to get offended and ask her straight up "So what’s a bird like you doing in Natwest? And did you just queef?" If she says yes, chuck your muck up her flaps and give her a fake number.
If she queefs, try not to get offended and ask her straight up "So what’s a bird like you doing in Natwest? And did you just queef?" If she says yes, chuck your muck up her flaps and give her a fake number.
4 - Approaching Anal Sex
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Approaching anal sex is a tough one for a lot of young shaggers. What I do is just bend them over my mom’s settee and put the tip inside their arse. After that, I slide it all the way in and start watching Only Fools and Horses on Dave. These days I usually start with anal, and by the time I turn the off the TV I finish with anal as well.
5 - Treating My Cock With Respect
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The penis is essentially a series of tubes. Dicks bend both ways, but there’s a limit to how far they can be stretched. Not mine, though. Mine is massive. You could tie mine in a sailor’s knot and wrap it round the Cannock Mess. Twice. Actually probably not. She was huge.
Anyway, when I’m ploughing your snatch with my love truncheon, don’t try and be erotic by referring to it as something stupid. And while we’re on the subject of talking dirty, you can call me 'Daddy' all you want, but the chances of me calling you 'Mommy' are slim, even though you’re my mates mom. Also, getting your gums round my plums is usually awesome, but don’t go right in there with the teeth straight away. Build up to it. I go down on a bird for at least five minutes before I start flicking her clit.
Anyway, when I’m ploughing your snatch with my love truncheon, don’t try and be erotic by referring to it as something stupid. And while we’re on the subject of talking dirty, you can call me 'Daddy' all you want, but the chances of me calling you 'Mommy' are slim, even though you’re my mates mom. Also, getting your gums round my plums is usually awesome, but don’t go right in there with the teeth straight away. Build up to it. I go down on a bird for at least five minutes before I start flicking her clit.
6 - Texting Other Birds Whilst We're Shagging
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When I’m doing a bird doggy fashion, I sometimes tweet pictures of my shagging just to show people what it’s like to not be a loser. Last week, I was slamming the Cannock Mess when I picked up my phone to send a hilarious tweet and I saw that I had a message from a bird I used to go to school with called Rhonda. She was so covered in acne that her face looked like a satellite photo of the moon. I casually replied, basically telling her to BTB (bring that booty), when the Mess on the business end of my cock turned around and got mad pissed. I told her that I was struggling to get my rhythm going because her back fat was putting me off my game, and I was just sending a harmless text a less fat bird.
I learnt the hard way that birds like to think that they’re the only bird you’re shagging
I learnt the hard way that birds like to think that they’re the only bird you’re shagging
By Jary
Tweet at Jary
Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.
Tweet at Jary
Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.
