I'm known throughout the world for being a top class fanny rat. I never have a shortage of top quality fluff on tap to go through. Despite this, I still throw it into less than desirable birds on occasion. Partly to make them feel good about themselves, and partly because no-one tries as hard as a fat or ugly bird. And nobody tries harder than the Holy Grail of shagging effort, a fat and ugly bird!
You can't go too far though, if they are too ugly you can't get the rock on and there is no shagging. So without further ado, here is my top ten ugly tarts I would still larrup one into.
10 - Janet Street Porter
Image Credit: telegraph.co.uk
I know what you're thinking; She has a voice that can turn milk into piss. She has teeth that could open a can of Carling, through a tennis racket, from prison. You're thinking from inside the box though, nothing is better than a blow job with a bit of teeth, she could give you a bit of teeth with a lot of teeth. Sounds perfect to me.
9 - Mel C
Image Credit: express.co.uk
Remember the Spice Girls? How everyone used to wank over Geri and Emma? Emma I can understand, she is the archetypal blonde bird with decent lills who lives next door. But Geri? I saw some pictures of her in the flash when I was a kid and it almost turned me gay. She's got a fanny like a punched lasagne. There was a hidden gem though, Mel C. Sure she looked like a lad. And spoke like a lad. And could probably spark you out. I would still give her a squirt, though. Nothing beats a bird who is energetic in bed. They didn't call her sporty purely because she had a boyish physique, you know.
8 - Roseanne Barr
Image Credit: zap2it.com
There is nothing like shagging a woman who is funny. Unfortunately, shagging Roseanne would be nothing like shagging a woman who is funny. She's on the list for one reason and one reason only: She looks like she could go like the clappers. I bet it is like fucking a wasp in a jar.
7 - Charlie Dimmock
Image Credit: dailymail.co.uk
I can hear you saying "Is being on telly not wearing a bra enough to make you shaggable?" Yes, good reader, it is. Men are simple creatures. Easily swayed by swaying tits.
6 - Courtney Love
Image Credit: news.co.nz
Have you ever grilled a burger? You know when there is a lot of disgusting fat left over at the bottom? You have a really nice burger, but all that rank smelling fat is still there. Well, Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain were like that. Except they were both the rank smelling fat. She is a woman who used to be ugly, now I do not even have words to describe her. I'd still shag her though.
5 - Hilary Swank
Image Credit: fanpop.com
I don't see the issue here. Her name rhymes with wank, I don't have to explain myself.
4 - Sarah Jessica Parker
Image Credit: tomcorsonknowles.com
I know she looks like Bojack Horseman. Her body is fucking rocking though. You have to remember she was in that program about sex and being shitty. So, she probably shags like a stallion. Also, if you can't get hard, just think about the brunette. Also, do that while shagging SJP too.
3 - Sharon Osbourne
Image Credit: foxnews.com
She looks like she could be Ozzy's Mom, to be honest. She is one of those women that knows fuck all, but because she is rich she thinks her opinion matters. She's still worth a massive bang though, because after years of letting Ozzy incoherently fumble away on top of her, she has got to be willing to do some crazy shit. Like if I turn up with my japs eye missing, she would find a way around it. I can respect that, as long as she lets me on. One last thing though, there is no way I am going in there bareback. Ozzy has more diseases than the WHO database.
2 - Cher
Image Credit: radiobruno.it
There are two reasons I want to crash my yogurt truck into Cher: One, I want to see if her voice does that weird thing when she bangs. Two, I have heard a rumour that she has got a plastic arse. If she has a plastic arse, I want to shag it. If she doesn't, I still want to shag it. Just imagine the pussy I would get down The Legion when they find out I bummed Cher!
1 - Susan Boyle
Image Credit: postimg.org
I hear you loud and clear, shaggers. "What the hell is wrong with you man?!" Well, I'll tell you what's wrong with me: I have an abnormally high sex drive, I'm a compulsive liar and I act out fantasies in my head and pass them off as fact. That has nothing to do with this, though. The reason I would introduce Susan to 13 inches of salami, as well as my cock, is because I love shagging virgins. She would be so tight, I would milm within seconds. And I am all about finishing fast. Especially with swamp donkeys of this high quality.
So there you have it! That's my list. Fancy sharing yours? I'm all ears, well actually I am 39% cock but that is another story. Until next time, when I will be doing an investigation on the effect of pornography on my cock.
So there you have it! That's my list. Fancy sharing yours? I'm all ears, well actually I am 39% cock but that is another story. Until next time, when I will be doing an investigation on the effect of pornography on my cock.
By Jary
Tweet at Jary
Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.
Tweet at Jary
Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.