I'm known throughout the world for being a top class fanny rat. I never have a shortage of top quality fluff on tap to go through. Despite this, I still throw it into less than desirable birds on occasion. Partly to make them feel good about themselves, and partly because no-one tries as hard as a fat or ugly bird. And nobody tries harder than the Holy Grail of shagging effort, a fat and ugly bird!
You can't go too far though, if they are too ugly you can't get the rock on and there is no shagging. So without further ado, here is my top ten ugly tarts I would still larrup one into.
I'm a youngish person. I'm not so old that I remember Kate Beckinsale's Dad, but not so young that I think Donkey Kong is from a game that uses bongos. Therefore, I have absolutely zero reason to read Shakespeare. I don't have to go to school and read it, I don't have to pretend to like it to get into some dusty old Librarians dung hampers. And yet, I still have read it. I have had it forced down my throat like a priests cock. I have read enough Shakespeare to make me realise something: It's all fucking wank.
There are numerous reasons why Shakespeare is lauded as a genius, all of them spurious and made up purely for one thing: So people think they are intellectual titans. I'll tell you something from the other side of the coin, namely why it's all fucking shit.
You may have noticed a particular lack of content from myself recently... I mean, besides the fact that I edit the website and all it's content every day. Plus there's some really cool stuff coming soon. Trust me.
Besides all that shite, half of the reason that I haven't been supplying as much content as I would hope is that I have been getting down to some major gaming. Namely, Pokemon Omega Ruby, as well as revisiting both Pokemon White 2 and Pokemon X. And good Christ, do these games just eat away at your lives.
In case you haven't noticed, Facebook and Twitter are quite popular things. You can't go anywhere without people taking pictures of themselves and their children for the whole world and The Pope to see. There are a lot of things that piss me off about Facebook. Hell, I'm not the only one. What is really making me consider mass infanticide, is ridiculous online personality tests.
The most common one I have seen recently is the “what does you name say about you?” quiz. There is only one thing your name says about you; what you are named.
Any man will tell you, having a dick is fucking awesome. Having a dick is a key to a world of pissing outside and wanking in strange places. Like Germany. When a man shags, he is literally inside a woman. Or man, if that's your deal. You don't need me to tell you how great it is to have a dick; Men spend on average 56% of their time in the shower trying to stretch it all the way around their legs.
Anyway, here are five ways that having a dick has changed the course of history. Now, these five ways are not all ground breaking, massively altering things. They are, however, undoubtedly definitely caused by having a dick. Probably a big one, like John Holmes.
Despite being in my 20's, I have held more jobs than anyone should care to admit to. My current total is a questionably large twenty three different jobs across a ten year employment history. My genre-defying resumé spans across more industries than even Gene Simmons knows exists.
I was once a scarecrow for dementia patients. I packed boxes with a man who was police tagged and had to be chained to a metal press so he couldn't run away. I used to break the necks of infected pigeons; I was a full-time World of Warcraft player; and the lowest point in my life was probably when I worked in a supermarket.
But sometimes, it's just time to drop tools and bail.
Back when I was at Uni, I had to write a dissertation. I say at Uni, I used to tell birds I was at Uni, so I had to write one to trick them into believing me.
Well obviously I can't just copy and paste my whole dissertation into here, I can't have all of my secrets being out in the open. So instead, I will give you a few excerpts and some comments about what modern Jary thinks about his past self.
Back when I was a young cunt, I had a Mega Drive. I loved my Mega Drive. I would while away the hours playing Zero Tolerance and FIFA. Then my life was changed.
Christmas 1994, I awoke. I had on my special cunty pyjamas (Nothing), my Dad had his big cunt pyjamas on (Also nothing), he unlocked my room and carried me downstairs. It was then that my world was opened up to a cavalcade of kind of 3D awesome-ness. My present for that year, besides a dead hooker, was a Panasonic 3DO Interactive Multiplayer.
In case you have never heard of this, there is a helpful link here and if you can't be arsed to read that, here's a tl;dr: It was kind of like a Playstation, but three times the price, it didn't look as cool and it had one tenth the number of games.
Even with all of those faults, I loved mine. Here is why.
Have you ever struggled to get your bone on? We can't all be like Ray, but I am here to help you.
Shagging is an art. Unfortunately being good at shagging is zero help when it comes to getting a shag, which is little consolation seeing as I know that you internet guys are all virgins. It's the old saying goes, the internet: Where the men are men, the women are men and the kids are the police. That last part is especially true, Uncle Tone met a 14 year old girl off the internet once and she turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?
Anyway, that is where I come in. I am going to share my wealth of experience at getting a shag, especially with you, loyal Foul reader.
This is the Virgins Guide to Shagging.
Today is Election Day and I'm the only member of the writing staff who hasn't put my hat into the ring over this years General Election. You've get less than four hours to have your say today and you’re presumably reading this article for some last minute polling advice.
So here it is: Fucking go and vote, you prick.
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