Break ups are tough. I should know. I break up other people’s relationships enough to realise that what these people go through isn’t exactly pleasurable. That is until the female half of the relationship sends me a picture of her tits, then things get bare pleasurable. People who have been dumped make a great audience for gossip websites and advice columnists, because they are willing to devour any old shit if it makes them feel better, or tells them how not to come across like a desperate loser.
Well, I’m here to tell you to stop being a pussy. Everyone gets dumped at some point. Except me. I’ve only been dumped by three women and that was because I was having sex with all of them at the same time. Don’t listen to what any other article tells you about how to feel after a break up. They are wrong. They are written by a bald guy in his 50s who has been married for 25 years. He hasn’t seen his cock in a decade because of his fat gut and no amount of makeup will make his wife’s face look any less like an undercooked omelette. I am an authority on this because I live the by the 3 S’s: Shag, sleep, shag someone else.
1 - Get as much revenge as you can
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This one is quite obvious. If you’ve been dumped by someone, the first reaction is get revenge on them. Do exactly that. When I got dumped by three women in one day, I didn’t know what to do for a while because I’d never felt such a severe loss in my life before. It took me weeks to get over it. Luckily, one of them had a van. I stole it and drove it across each of their front lawns with my shirt off.
2 - Try to shag your ex's friends, or better yet, thier mom
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The van incident, whilst awesome, didn’t fulfill my desire for closure. It should come as no surprise that the ultimate revenge on an ex-spouse is to shag one of their parents. First of all try getting laid from the sympathy angle. Birds love having sex with a bloke they feel sorry for. It’s a big turn on. That’s the only reason Kurt Cobain was able to get the shag. If that doesn’t work, use your natural charm and wit to manipulate your way into their pants. If that doesn’t work then I’m not surprised you got dumped.
3 - Tell everyone how weird your ex is
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How often do you get hammered? Not often enough should be the answer. A few weeks ago my mate Steve came to the pub for the first time in years. He never gets pissed because he’s a pussy, but this time he did. He started telling us a story about a bird whose tits he sucked outside a KFC. He didn’t smash her because like I said before he’s a pussy, but the whole pub now knows the story about Steve and Fat Emma. She was, as Steve said, ‘a right heffer, but I still gummed her tits’. Class.
4 - Get a sweet tattoo and/or an awesome haircut
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Nothing says I’ve moved on like getting a tattoo on your chest. Here are some ideas for what you could have:
- The Devil arm wrestling with Jesus
- Sid Vicious
- A crudely drawn Incredible Hulk
- Elvis lyrics
- A quote relating to a topical fad. For example, ‘Gangnam Style’, or ‘#winning’ if you’re reading this from 2010
- The chemical formula for glucose
5 - Use those negative emotions for something else
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Such as writing or editing for FoulEnt. Send a message to the email address at the bottom of this page if you’re interested. If you’re still feeling like a loser about being dumped, then don’t bother.
6 - Burn any mementos of them
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All those photos of you two pinned on your bedroom wall at your mom’s house? Burn them. Any items of clothing they’ve left at your house? Burn them. Anything relating to them at all, burn them. I once broke up with a bird who lived on the same street as me so I had to burn her house because I saw it every day.
7 - Try to have break-up sex
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Break up sex is the best because it’s usually definitely the last time you rail them. Unless you count the time I had break up sex with the Cannock Mess. The only thing that broke up that night was the bed because she’s so fat. I got back together with her the next day just so I could cheat on her one last time. I totally did, then I broke up with her. That was yesterday. I’m going to e-mail her this article tonight, because I’m nothing if not considerate.
By Jary
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Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.
Tweet at Jary
Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.