Sometimes I stop what I’m doing and ask myself ‘can I get laid by doing this?’ If the answer to that question is no, I immediately stop doing that thing. Such was the case when I picked up a bass guitar. My mate Steve was teaching me how to play a Red Hot Chili Peppers song and he was awful. So shit, in fact, that he was repelling the fanny I had managed to pull by playing a xylophone with my teeth.
This got me thinking; how many women could I pull if I could play an actual instrument, and not just one played by idiots? So I conducted an experiment. Below you will find a comprehensive list of the best (and worst) instruments you can play to make yourself more attractive to the opposite sex (birds).
The Best
Guitar
Besides from my cock, the guitar is the classic sex instrument. Played by sex icons and suave sultry good looking bastards the world over, it is impossible to not look awesome holding a guitar. I’m lying of course. It’s very simple to look like a twat. For every Dave Navarro, there is a quiff-sporting rude boy dickhead miming and strumming open chords on an acoustic. For every Slash, there’s an obviously-can’t-play-guitar Avril Lavigne.
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However, even though these non-guitarists have about as much talent as the warts on Lemmy’s face, they still manage to attract top quality minge. Such is the magic of merely holding a guitar. Ever since I discovered this phenomenon, I have been telling women that I can play guitar to an incredibly unrealistic degree. Whenever I take shirtless photos of myself I endeavour to make sure there’s a guitar in the back of the picture. In the movie industry they call this foreshadowing. I call it fore-SHAGowing.
Drums
Drummers are notorious shaggers. I have had maximum shags when I have lied to birds and told them I was a drummer. The only problem is that drumming is the backbone to any musical accompaniment. It is almost impossible to disguise a lack of talent when playing drums, unlike bass or guitar.
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For this reason, I cannot speak highly of the drums as a mere catalyst for getting balls deep in minge, but I can vouch for it if you are willing to be arsed to learn to play an actual instrument.
I myself, am not prepared to do this.
I myself, am not prepared to do this.
Vocals
Do you know what the difference is between a singer and a frontman? A singer sings, a frontman pretends to sing so that he can shag. Look no further than Freddie Mercury. This is a man who pioneered a unique style of singing. Many people contest that he was even singing at all, but merely making top quality sex noises into a mic which just sounding like singing.
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Make no mistake, the man could sing his cock off. But he was also a frontman. Freddie Mercury did so much shagging that he eventually died from it. Even though I’m not gay, that’s the type of bloke I can get behind.
The Worst
Bass
Playing the bass is like shagging Pippa Middleton. Decent, but you might as well be shagging Kate. At least you could rub it Prince William’s stupid bald face afterwards. The bass is played exclusively by idiots and people without talent, such as Cliff Burton and Flea. Not only is playing bass a poor man’s guitar, but extensive physical contact with a bass guitar has an adverse effect on your looks, complexion and the symmetrical balance of your face.
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Bottom line; there is no point bass guitars even existing. Nobody likes them, they look like the retarded offspring of a violin and cello, and you can’t even hear them anyway.
Double Bass
Usually, two of anything just doubles the initial qualities of the first. Shagging two 18 year olds is twice as awesome. Smoking two Cubans will make you twice as cool. Wearing two pairs of glasses will double your vision. The double bass is no exception. If you thought the bass was retarded, get a load of this piece of shit. Nothing will get you laid less than attempting to play a double bass in front of a room full of barely legal snatch.
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The complete futility of a double bass can be proven by the noticeable lack of any credible artists using one. Rumours of Motley Crue hiring a double bassist for their farewell tour were shot down by Vince Neil, stating ‘this is my last chance to nail easy teenage girls in Tommy Lee’s bed. Would I ruin that by the mere mention of a double bass being near our equipment? No, I wouldn’t.’
The Verdict
There is no such instrument as a verdict. But I’ve made my decision, and nothing beats easily getting laid with little effort like pretending to be able to play guitar. It looks awesome, it’s fairly easy to fake knowing what you’re talking about, and if the situation should ever arise that you have to prove you can play, you can play so silently that she’ll never know.
If ever find yourself lurking on the threshold of the friend zone, just send her a picture of your cock with a guitar in the background. You’re welcome.
If ever find yourself lurking on the threshold of the friend zone, just send her a picture of your cock with a guitar in the background. You’re welcome.
By Jary
@JaryFoulFantasy
Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.
@JaryFoulFantasy
Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.