Anyway, that is where I come in. I am going to share my wealth of experience at getting a shag, especially with you, loyal Foul reader. 

This is the Virgins Guide to Shagging.

I don't know if you are aware, but I'm a bit of a pseudo intellectual. I do a lot of skimming of high brow stuff, purely to make myself look clever for the women. Now, I know a lot of you think that science and sex are worlds apart, mainly because scienticians are all nerdy virgins, but trust me, I have developed a number of sciencical theories about sex and about why I get so much sex. If you're a sciencer you should probably stop reading now, I know you don't like shagging. But if you have a dick and want to use it, keep reading son!

Alright, shaggers. The lads at Foul Entertainment said I should come and do a blog. I said I was too busy shagging. And I was. Then they said something about meeting a deadline, but I was too busy to remember when that was (Shagging). Apparently it was today. So I'm gonna just talk about clubs for a bit, then get back to better things (More shagging, etc.).

Anyway, read on for stuff about Tom Cruise, bird sanctuaries and Rolf's Cartoon club. Oh, and shagging.

I don't read books. I haven't even read a wank rag since I got the internet in 1999. So, when I saw the trailer last week for Fifty shades of Grey, it really curdled my spunk. It really fucked me off, because I had that idea years ago. Let's flash back a bit.

1997; A young Jary is sitting in his bedroom. He's just emptied his spuds onto a copy of 'Mammoth Melons Monthly'. He has an idea. “What if a ginger bloke managed to pull birds by being a massive rich twat?”. Admittedly, I had watched the best of Boris Becker earlier on Channel 4, but fuck off it was my idea. I always had my best ideas post wank; That is how I came up with 'WankApp'. Basically, if your phone detects you are using it one handed it stops you from phoning or texting anyone. That might sound like a stupid idea, but I always get the urge to text an ex half way through a wank, so this App stops any post ejaculation cancelling of plans.

Back to last week, and I became increasingly angry that this obviously large woman, E.L. James, had blatantly stolen my idea. So, to remedy this, I decided to finish writing my own erotic fiction. Slated to be released next year, here are some selected excerpts from 'Magnificent Shagger'!