Have you ever had one of those days when you simply can’t stop wanking? I haven’t. I’m too busy shagging. I recently had a bunch of emails from people (losers) saying that they’ve put my advice into practice in bars and clubs, but they’re not going home with seven different women a night like I am. Well, I never once said these were the best places to pick up women.
You need to have certain swag to get noticed on the sexual battlefield that is bars and clubs, and if you’re reading this, you don’t have it. Truth is, every social interaction is a place to pick up easy snatch. I once went to an STD clinic for my weekly check up and ended up shagging the nurse. If you’re struggling to pull, try your luck at the following pick up hotspots.
1 - The Arsenal Ground
Image Credit: populous.com
No man has ever pulled a woman without a reasonable amount of psychological duping. This is a fact backed by scientific evidence which I just made up. The whole process of pulling is made up entirely of mind games. Only when she’s well and truly off her tits on Taurus can you forget about mind games and focus on lamping one into her. Meeting a woman in any place which has a sensual sounding name is a thumbs up, because the foreshadowing of crushing her pussy has already happened. In this case, Arsenal. You can thank me later for when she lets you kick the brown door in and paint it white on the way out.
2 - Boat Races
Image Credit: wikipedia.org
People often tell me that the most attractive thing in a women is intelligence. This isn’t true. The most attractive thing in a woman is massive lils. Madison Ivy doesn’t have two brain cells to rub together, but she manages to look good taking a 12 inch pole in her jacksie. I don’t care how intelligent she is. Anyway, boat races are boring as shit. The only thing more boring than boat races is not shagging. Women at boat races have either been dragged there by their boring husbands or are quasi-intellectuals, both of which make for easy pulling. If she’s a QI, just brush up next to her and start talking about more boring shit like golf or the Millibands. If they’re the other sort, well, speaking of lifeless partners…
3 - Their Husband's Funerals
Image Credit: completeinsurancequotes.com
We have a saying where I’m from; there are worse places to get an erection than a police station. Zoning in on women who are grieving is frowned upon which is why this one so sweet. I learnt about the five stages of grief when I pretended to study psychiatry at uni. The Kubler-Ross model of psychology suggests that emotional stages of grief include denial, grief, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Recent studies have found this is all bollocks, but the model has since been furthered by renowned behaviourist Jary et al. The new model proposes the following; denial, grief, fingerblast, Boris Johnson, slam. This new theory has been praised incredibly and has progressed our understanding of human psychology tenfold. The old model has been entirely dismissed and all hard copies mentioning it have been used to wipe up sex juices of women who are being fingerblasted instead of bargaining.
4 - Subway
Image Credit: specialarad.ro
I should have kept this entry for my advanced shaggers, because this is dangerous game. But if you’re feeling brave, this one could maximum pay off. Meeting women in Subway is a double bonus because sandwiches and shagging go hand in hand. Extra points if she works there because she’s already accepted her place as the cook in the relationship. The risky part of this is that eating Subway induces hypersexuality. All will be good as long as you’re aware of the inevitable mild paedophilia urges.
5 - Treadmills
Image Credit: burnfit.convergencecms.co
I occasionally go to my local gym because it has a great rowing machine. If you angle yourself correctly you can spy some serious yoga pants toe on the leg press. My most effective method of pulling snatch at the gym is to run up next to some tidy piece on the treadmill and run alongside her. It doesn’t matter what she’s doing, just run as fast as you can. Stamp your feet as loud as possible and put the incline on 27 so she can see how bad ass you are. After a while she’ll begin talking to you. If she moves onto another machine, just follow her and keep asking ‘did you see how fast I just ran?’ at every opportunity. Chicks want a man with stamina, and nothing proves this more than running really fast.
If these tips don’t get you laid, then nothing will.
If these tips don’t get you laid, then nothing will.
By Jary
@JaryFoulFantasy
Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.
@JaryFoulFantasy
Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.