Foul ENT

  • Home
  • Blogs
  • Podcasts
  • Videos
  • News shorts
  • About
  • Contact
  • Home
  • Blogs
  • Podcasts
  • Videos
  • News shorts
  • About
  • Contact

The Jary Files - The Lost Art Of Fingering

17/5/2016

0 Comments

 
This article is a part of FoulENT's 30 Days of Stuff! Click here to read all 30 Days entries and be sure to come back every day in May for new stuff just like this!

​
My favourite quote of all time is:

“Women pretend they like things like a sense of humour and being nice, but really what they like is a selfish cunt who is definitely going to finger their nan at Christmas and use that finger to mix the stuffing.” – Jary, 2015
Picture
It takes an almost surreal level of grandiosity to quote yourself but that’s exactly what I just did. Fortunately, my erratic ramblings about fingerblasting are more profound than anything you will ever say. Nobody cares about what you have to say because you’ve never even fingered one nan, let alone all of them. But there’s a problem: nans. Unless you’re my friend Azza T who is a granddad at 36, most grandparents are bare old. Nans appreciate the art of fingering because in their day fingering was all the rage. You couldn’t get into most clubs unless you were being fingered as you walked in.  These days, kids either kick off with the oral (worst thing you can do mate) or even worse, straight in with the dick.
AMATEURS.
I’m not here to tell you how to shag properly, except I am. Put your dick back in your pants, close your Pornhub window (you’re not fooling anyone) and take some advice from a shagging professional before you disappoint any more women with your inept sexual abilities. Keep the noise down before you wake your mom up, except you won’t because she’s too busy receiving a fingerblasting masterclass (by me).
Rubbing one in died out around the early 2000s. Fingering used to be a progress milestone in the sexual conquest of a woman (known here on as birds). Checking a bird’s oil in the park or against a church or in their boyfriend’s car was a badge of honour. Now fingering has been lumped in with foreplay and has been mostly forgotten about. The reason for this? The Board of Shaggers are undecided on the exact reasons why, but Fidel Castro reckons it has something to do with the internet. Kids learn about sex from porn, and in porn there isn’t much digging for gold. So what can we do? I’ve come up with a few solutions below in case you’re too stupid to think of your own.
Offer to finger women instead of paying them

Just bought some booze and dry roasted nuts for a Carry On marathon? Is it quite late, and the supermarket is about to shut? Is there only one cashier on, and there’s no one else within spitting range? Is she a bit chubby, but your standards are incredibly low so you’re never disappointed so it doesn’t mater? An experienced shagger knows exactly what to do. The words ‘listen baby, I left my wallet at home,’ were invented for this occasion, especially if they’re followed with ‘what do you reckon, Chubbs?’ while flashing her the shocker.

Picture
Me, aged 26.
Teach kids how to finger

A few weeks ago I was ploughing this teacher bird when this kid raised his hand and asked a question. ‘Miss, how do I –‘ BAM! I interrupted him with a drop kick to the face. This kid was about to ask an unimportant question about geography but luckily I was there to stop him before he wasted any more of my time. I then dismissed this woman’s class and let them roam the halls while I larruped one into their teacher. This got me thinking: with all the pointless subjects we teach kids in schools, why not replace one of the more expendable subjects (PE, Geography, English) with an hour of Giving Her The Digits class. I will happily teach it to every school in the world, and will even demonstrate how to perform a successful fingering on any fit PE teachers.

Picture
For every bird you don’t finger, I will finger two

That’s right. If you thought I couldn’t possibly shag more than I do now you were wrong. I can shag an impossible amount of women in the time it takes you to you to call your mom and apologise for not being as good as me. Not that she’ll listen to a word you’re saying because she’ll have her gums wrapped firmly around my spunk viper before realizing how much of a disappointment you are to your family. Every Christmas, your family only invite you to dinner so you can listen to them discussing how much you suck at fingering.  This will last a few years until they get tired of your shit and start inviting me instead. I have to decline because I already have 17 other Christmas dinners to eat but I counter-act the weight gain by curtain twitching twice as many birds.

Picture
By Jary
@JaryFoulFantasy


Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.

0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    Blogs

    You can find all of our articles right here. Use the menus below to sort by date, author or series.

    Also, click the buttons below to explore our social network antics.

    Articles

    All
    30 Days Of Stuff
    5 Days With...
    Articles By Abdurahman
    Articles By Darren
    Articles By Frank King
    Articles By Jary
    Articles By Joe
    Articles By Mike
    Ask Jary
    Code Club
    Danke-bitte
    Deaf To All But Metal
    Death Of Video Games
    E3 2015
    E3 2016
    Foul Fantasy Devblog
    Foul-To's
    Friday The 12th
    General Foulection
    Jary Files
    Plenty Of Catfish
    Podcasts
    Pop Culture Club
    Rider Report
    Site News
    Star Wars Week
    #Tagurday
    WWE Stats 2019

    Archives

    January 2025
    August 2024
    June 2024
    April 2024
    January 2024
    December 2023
    November 2023
    October 2023
    August 2023
    July 2023
    June 2023
    May 2023
    April 2023
    March 2023
    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    June 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015

© Foul Entertainment, 2015 - 2022
​
​