This article is a part of FoulENT's 30 Days of Stuff! Click here to read all 30 Days entries and be sure to come back every day in May for new stuff just like this!
My favourite quote of all time is:
“Women pretend they like things like a sense of humour and being nice, but really what they like is a selfish cunt who is definitely going to finger their nan at Christmas and use that finger to mix the stuffing.” – Jary, 2015
My favourite quote of all time is:
“Women pretend they like things like a sense of humour and being nice, but really what they like is a selfish cunt who is definitely going to finger their nan at Christmas and use that finger to mix the stuffing.” – Jary, 2015
It takes an almost surreal level of grandiosity to quote yourself but that’s exactly what I just did. Fortunately, my erratic ramblings about fingerblasting are more profound than anything you will ever say. Nobody cares about what you have to say because you’ve never even fingered one nan, let alone all of them. But there’s a problem: nans. Unless you’re my friend Azza T who is a granddad at 36, most grandparents are bare old. Nans appreciate the art of fingering because in their day fingering was all the rage. You couldn’t get into most clubs unless you were being fingered as you walked in. These days, kids either kick off with the oral (worst thing you can do mate) or even worse, straight in with the dick.
AMATEURS.
I’m not here to tell you how to shag properly, except I am. Put your dick back in your pants, close your Pornhub window (you’re not fooling anyone) and take some advice from a shagging professional before you disappoint any more women with your inept sexual abilities. Keep the noise down before you wake your mom up, except you won’t because she’s too busy receiving a fingerblasting masterclass (by me).
Rubbing one in died out around the early 2000s. Fingering used to be a progress milestone in the sexual conquest of a woman (known here on as birds). Checking a bird’s oil in the park or against a church or in their boyfriend’s car was a badge of honour. Now fingering has been lumped in with foreplay and has been mostly forgotten about. The reason for this? The Board of Shaggers are undecided on the exact reasons why, but Fidel Castro reckons it has something to do with the internet. Kids learn about sex from porn, and in porn there isn’t much digging for gold. So what can we do? I’ve come up with a few solutions below in case you’re too stupid to think of your own.
Offer to finger women instead of paying them
Just bought some booze and dry roasted nuts for a Carry On marathon? Is it quite late, and the supermarket is about to shut? Is there only one cashier on, and there’s no one else within spitting range? Is she a bit chubby, but your standards are incredibly low so you’re never disappointed so it doesn’t mater? An experienced shagger knows exactly what to do. The words ‘listen baby, I left my wallet at home,’ were invented for this occasion, especially if they’re followed with ‘what do you reckon, Chubbs?’ while flashing her the shocker.
Just bought some booze and dry roasted nuts for a Carry On marathon? Is it quite late, and the supermarket is about to shut? Is there only one cashier on, and there’s no one else within spitting range? Is she a bit chubby, but your standards are incredibly low so you’re never disappointed so it doesn’t mater? An experienced shagger knows exactly what to do. The words ‘listen baby, I left my wallet at home,’ were invented for this occasion, especially if they’re followed with ‘what do you reckon, Chubbs?’ while flashing her the shocker.
Me, aged 26.
Teach kids how to finger
A few weeks ago I was ploughing this teacher bird when this kid raised his hand and asked a question. ‘Miss, how do I –‘ BAM! I interrupted him with a drop kick to the face. This kid was about to ask an unimportant question about geography but luckily I was there to stop him before he wasted any more of my time. I then dismissed this woman’s class and let them roam the halls while I larruped one into their teacher. This got me thinking: with all the pointless subjects we teach kids in schools, why not replace one of the more expendable subjects (PE, Geography, English) with an hour of Giving Her The Digits class. I will happily teach it to every school in the world, and will even demonstrate how to perform a successful fingering on any fit PE teachers.
A few weeks ago I was ploughing this teacher bird when this kid raised his hand and asked a question. ‘Miss, how do I –‘ BAM! I interrupted him with a drop kick to the face. This kid was about to ask an unimportant question about geography but luckily I was there to stop him before he wasted any more of my time. I then dismissed this woman’s class and let them roam the halls while I larruped one into their teacher. This got me thinking: with all the pointless subjects we teach kids in schools, why not replace one of the more expendable subjects (PE, Geography, English) with an hour of Giving Her The Digits class. I will happily teach it to every school in the world, and will even demonstrate how to perform a successful fingering on any fit PE teachers.
For every bird you don’t finger, I will finger two
That’s right. If you thought I couldn’t possibly shag more than I do now you were wrong. I can shag an impossible amount of women in the time it takes you to you to call your mom and apologise for not being as good as me. Not that she’ll listen to a word you’re saying because she’ll have her gums wrapped firmly around my spunk viper before realizing how much of a disappointment you are to your family. Every Christmas, your family only invite you to dinner so you can listen to them discussing how much you suck at fingering. This will last a few years until they get tired of your shit and start inviting me instead. I have to decline because I already have 17 other Christmas dinners to eat but I counter-act the weight gain by curtain twitching twice as many birds.
That’s right. If you thought I couldn’t possibly shag more than I do now you were wrong. I can shag an impossible amount of women in the time it takes you to you to call your mom and apologise for not being as good as me. Not that she’ll listen to a word you’re saying because she’ll have her gums wrapped firmly around my spunk viper before realizing how much of a disappointment you are to your family. Every Christmas, your family only invite you to dinner so you can listen to them discussing how much you suck at fingering. This will last a few years until they get tired of your shit and start inviting me instead. I have to decline because I already have 17 other Christmas dinners to eat but I counter-act the weight gain by curtain twitching twice as many birds.
By Jary
@JaryFoulFantasy
Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.
@JaryFoulFantasy
Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.