This article is a part of FoulENT's 30 Days of Stuff! Click here to read all 30 Days entries and be sure to come back every day in May for new stuff just like this!
I don't understand this 30 Days of Stuff malarky. Mainly because I don't really understand the passage of time. From what I can gather from what Gasher and Cunt were blabbering on about at my cousin's Bar Mitzvah, 30 days is around about 79 women, or 237 shags. Or to put it into terms you fat virgins will understand, 0 shags. Anyway, I went outside with Joe for a smoke and we got talking about all the women I've shagged and all the women he has failed to shag. It made me realise, I've pretty much shagged an atlas.
My aim for this article is to give you a little flavour of what it's like to nail women from different parts of the world, because let's be honest you lot have got a massive pussy allergy.
I first shagged a Mexican bird in the summer of 98. I was on holiday in Mexico and I'd bought a border patrol outfit from WalMart. It was a pretty shitty outfit to be honest. It was just a blue jacket with border written on the back. Anyway, there I was hanging around at the border when a bird was trying to sneak over the fence. She looked at my jacket and shouted "frontera" which I took to mean, "I will shag you if you give me a boost over the fence" so I did. The main thing I found out about Mexican birds? The bottom half is a barren wasteland that has been occupied by way too many cocaine dealers, and above the underwear line ( or across the border if you like ) it's full of fat bellies and huge tits.
Spanish birds have got fannies that stink like fish. I think it's because all fannies stink like fish. But mainly because all they eat is Tapas, and that's fish I think. Or maybe that's seafood paella. Who knows. I know I don't. The thing I have noticed most about Spanish birds is that it's like shagging an Indian bird, except racists are allowed to do it. Which is funny because shagging an Indian bird is like shagging a Spanish bird if she couldn't afford shoes.
Shagging a German bird is the most surprising of the lot. German women are remarkably inefficient when it comes to sex. For a nation that are supposed to be almost super-humanly effective at everything, I've never shagged a German bird who's had an orgasm. Still a 50% orgasm success rate is much better than their world war success rate.
Just after I had done hanging out the back of that Mexican bird, I followed her over the fence into America. I'd never been to America before, I had been to Canada but it was as cold as fuck and my dick looked really small compared to all the mooses the women shag out there. Well it didn't, but those moose fuckers still wouldn't let me on. American women though, fuck me sideways, it's like banging a bouncy castle. Because they're massive and they stink of sick.
Even I've never shagged a French bird.
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