Which brings me to my first point;
Selfies are a tool which make ugly women look less ugly. If you’re fat, they can make you look less fat. If you have bad skin, they can make your face look less like a flapjack. If you’re boring, it doesn’t matter because we only care about seeing your tits. Selfies will take your negative features and reduce them so you’re not a heaving mass of rolls and chins.
One of the principle beauties of Facebook is that it allows us to see an entire timeline of Lydia Taylor’s pictures; from when she was a cum guzzling spunkbucket to when she became a fat mom of three kids by four different dads (they still don’t know if Ethan belongs to Wayne or Dwayne). Since she first signed up to Facebook 8 years ago the majority of her pictures have been badly filtered selfies, but there’s a problem; Lydia is still taking pictures of herself because she doesn’t realise she’s a fat mess. She’s so conditioned to think she’s good looking that no amount of chins could convince her otherwise.
Luckily, Jary has come up with a solution.
The fat bird flowchart!
Without social media, we wouldn’t know what a bloke we went to school with twenty years ago had for dinner, and that doesn’t sit well with me.
Ha! Only joking! I couldn’t give a shit what you had for dinner. Seeing pictures of people’s meals sits on my priority list somewhere slightly below pouring vinegar into my eyes. There’s a woman on my Facebook who not only takes pictures of every meal she eats, she also includes the nutrient breakdown.
My mate Boring John is the best thing about social media. He is a 35 year old supermarket worker with the attitude of a racist taxi driver from 1950. I sometimes read through John’s Facebook page when I’m feeling down and his meta-boring attitude towards life never fails to cheer me up.
A few years ago, Facebook introduced a feature called Facebook Places which is equally stupid as it useful. “Sure, why wouldn’t I want the world to know my whereabouts at all times?” you might be asking yourself, and yeah, I agree. Tell everyone where you are all the time because there’s nothing me and Frank loving more than stealing your TVs.
So yeah, social media is awesome.