Believe it or not, social media can be used for more than just looking at pictures of birds you went to school with. In fact, most people miss out on the advantages social media offers because they’re too busy looking at pictures of Lydia Taylor before she got fat. But don’t just take my word for it. I’m going to hand you across to someone who knows his way around social media like I know my way around your mom’s innards.
Presenting…
Presenting…
Oh wait, it’s me! If you thought a shagging article was going to be written by anyone other than Jary “that’s not my spunk” Gones then you’re an idiot who should be shot in the arse. My dick has been in so many holes that just giving me a blowjob counts as group sex. Scientists have theorised that my ejaculate could tear the fabric of reality if I don’t discharge at least 8 times a day. I basically spunk for medical reasons, and to save the earth from premature devastation.
Which brings me to my first point;
Which brings me to my first point;
At some point in the past ten years we decided that taking pictures of ourselves was a normal thing to do. Unfortunately for most of us, the types of people who take pictures of themselves are rarely well-toned supermodels with fake tits, and are in fact more likely to be superficial fat women who greatly overestimate their self-worth.
Selfies are a tool which make ugly women look less ugly. If you’re fat, they can make you look less fat. If you have bad skin, they can make your face look less like a flapjack. If you’re boring, it doesn’t matter because we only care about seeing your tits. Selfies will take your negative features and reduce them so you’re not a heaving mass of rolls and chins.
One of the principle beauties of Facebook is that it allows us to see an entire timeline of Lydia Taylor’s pictures; from when she was a cum guzzling spunkbucket to when she became a fat mom of three kids by four different dads (they still don’t know if Ethan belongs to Wayne or Dwayne). Since she first signed up to Facebook 8 years ago the majority of her pictures have been badly filtered selfies, but there’s a problem; Lydia is still taking pictures of herself because she doesn’t realise she’s a fat mess. She’s so conditioned to think she’s good looking that no amount of chins could convince her otherwise.
Luckily, Jary has come up with a solution.
The fat bird flowchart!
Selfies are a tool which make ugly women look less ugly. If you’re fat, they can make you look less fat. If you have bad skin, they can make your face look less like a flapjack. If you’re boring, it doesn’t matter because we only care about seeing your tits. Selfies will take your negative features and reduce them so you’re not a heaving mass of rolls and chins.
One of the principle beauties of Facebook is that it allows us to see an entire timeline of Lydia Taylor’s pictures; from when she was a cum guzzling spunkbucket to when she became a fat mom of three kids by four different dads (they still don’t know if Ethan belongs to Wayne or Dwayne). Since she first signed up to Facebook 8 years ago the majority of her pictures have been badly filtered selfies, but there’s a problem; Lydia is still taking pictures of herself because she doesn’t realise she’s a fat mess. She’s so conditioned to think she’s good looking that no amount of chins could convince her otherwise.
Luckily, Jary has come up with a solution.
The fat bird flowchart!
Everything you’ve seen up to this point in your life has either sucked or been not as good as this flowchart. Fat women have been using this flowchart since its inception and the number of pictures of ugly fat birds has decreased exponentially. This flowchart is the catalyst to a world without heffers and it’s all thanks to my inhuman levels of ripping on fatties. I envisioned a universe where every selfie was of a woman with abs tighter than a gymnast’s arsehole and Elon Musk just told me it’s reachable within our lifetime. Do us all a favour and consult my flowchart before you post thousands of photos of yourself thus using up valuable bandwidth which could be better used for pictures of women who don’t look like they could beat you at snooker.
“Do You Remember When I Paid You £5 To Eat Some Shit?”
Without social media, we wouldn’t know what a bloke we went to school with twenty years ago had for dinner, and that doesn’t sit well with me.
Ha! Only joking! I couldn’t give a shit what you had for dinner. Seeing pictures of people’s meals sits on my priority list somewhere slightly below pouring vinegar into my eyes. There’s a woman on my Facebook who not only takes pictures of every meal she eats, she also includes the nutrient breakdown.
Without social media, we wouldn’t know what a bloke we went to school with twenty years ago had for dinner, and that doesn’t sit well with me.
Ha! Only joking! I couldn’t give a shit what you had for dinner. Seeing pictures of people’s meals sits on my priority list somewhere slightly below pouring vinegar into my eyes. There’s a woman on my Facebook who not only takes pictures of every meal she eats, she also includes the nutrient breakdown.
No words can express how little I care about the nutritional value of a meal someone I haven’t seen in fifteen years is eating. Where does this kind of over-detailing stop? Maybe we should just include the small details of everything we do now?
Anyway, most people say they use social media to “keep in touch” with “people they went to school with”, but by “keep in touch”, they really mean “is on my friends list”. What most people fail to remember is that there’s a reason you never kept in touch in the first place. Either A) most of them weren’t worth knowing, B) they weren’t birds or C) they were birds but would eventually end up becoming a fat mess.
Boring John
My mate Boring John is the best thing about social media. He is a 35 year old supermarket worker with the attitude of a racist taxi driver from 1950. I sometimes read through John’s Facebook page when I’m feeling down and his meta-boring attitude towards life never fails to cheer me up.
My mate Boring John is the best thing about social media. He is a 35 year old supermarket worker with the attitude of a racist taxi driver from 1950. I sometimes read through John’s Facebook page when I’m feeling down and his meta-boring attitude towards life never fails to cheer me up.
Only John can bore me twice in one post.
It’s not even the fact that Boring John embraces the boring side of existence like no one else ever could which impresses me, it’s his childish outlook of believing that the information he posts will ever be of any use to anybody. John could not post a single thing ever again and no one would miss out. John’s online presence is like the leaky shit you find in your bin when you don’t empty the bag for two weeks. It’s the culmination of garbage on garbage. I’m not one for metaphors, but Boring John is a basically a leaky garbage baby.
When being boring doesn't cut it, try racism.
Facebook has become a haven for nonsensical shit to be posted by idiots. What happens when those idiots come pre-packed with undiagnosed mental illnesses and an infantile desire to live like a care-free child?
Robbing Your House
A few years ago, Facebook introduced a feature called Facebook Places which is equally stupid as it useful. “Sure, why wouldn’t I want the world to know my whereabouts at all times?” you might be asking yourself, and yeah, I agree. Tell everyone where you are all the time because there’s nothing me and Frank loving more than stealing your TVs.
So yeah, social media is awesome.
A few years ago, Facebook introduced a feature called Facebook Places which is equally stupid as it useful. “Sure, why wouldn’t I want the world to know my whereabouts at all times?” you might be asking yourself, and yeah, I agree. Tell everyone where you are all the time because there’s nothing me and Frank loving more than stealing your TVs.
So yeah, social media is awesome.
By Jary
@JaryFoulFantasy
Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.
@JaryFoulFantasy
Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.