My Twitter was inundated with people going batshit over the not-breakup of the spindly, hairless boyband One Direction. I was busy slamming some bird and generally having a life when this all went down, but after a certain Style of man got in touch with me asking for advice, I decided to take on your burning questions over the events of five lads lives that you have played no part in, but apparently feel emotionally attached to for some stupid reason. You fucking losers.
Break ups are tough. I should know. I break up other people’s relationships enough to realise that what these people go through isn’t exactly pleasurable. That is until the female half of the relationship sends me a picture of her tits, then things get bare pleasurable. People who have been dumped make a great audience for gossip websites and advice columnists, because they are willing to devour any old shit if it makes them feel better, or tells them how not to come across like a desperate loser.
Well, I’m here to tell you to stop being a pussy. Everyone gets dumped at some point. Except me. I’ve only been dumped by three women and that was because I was having sex with all of them at the same time. Don’t listen to what any other article tells you about how to feel after a break up. They are wrong. They are written by a bald guy in his 50s who has been married for 25 years. He hasn’t seen his cock in a decade because of his fat gut and no amount of makeup will make his wife’s face look any less like an undercooked omelette. I am an authority on this because I live the by the 3 S’s: Shag, sleep, shag someone else.
The reason I get so much sex is because I play by the rules. Granted they are rules which I just make up to get birds back to my house, but this doesn’t change the fact that I have bruised more ovaries than an NHS smear test. There are definite Do’s and Do Not’s when it comes to shagging, and there are some fools out there who think breaking these rules makes you a top shelf shagger like me. This is not the case.
Yes, I will probably lie about fixing your computer if it gives me a crack at your minge and yes, I will definitely cheat on you, but there are crimes far worse than fingering your better looking sister, or your uglier sister.
I'm known throughout the world for being a top class fanny rat. I never have a shortage of top quality fluff on tap to go through. Despite this, I still throw it into less than desirable birds on occasion. Partly to make them feel good about themselves, and partly because no-one tries as hard as a fat or ugly bird. And nobody tries harder than the Holy Grail of shagging effort, a fat and ugly bird!
You can't go too far though, if they are too ugly you can't get the rock on and there is no shagging. So without further ado, here is my top ten ugly tarts I would still larrup one into.
Back when I was at Uni, I had to write a dissertation. I say at Uni, I used to tell birds I was at Uni, so I had to write one to trick them into believing me.
Well obviously I can't just copy and paste my whole dissertation into here, I can't have all of my secrets being out in the open. So instead, I will give you a few excerpts and some comments about what modern Jary thinks about his past self.
Have you ever struggled to get your bone on? We can't all be like Ray, but I am here to help you.
Shagging is an art. Unfortunately being good at shagging is zero help when it comes to getting a shag, which is little consolation seeing as I know that you internet guys are all virgins. It's the old saying goes, the internet: Where the men are men, the women are men and the kids are the police. That last part is especially true, Uncle Tone met a 14 year old girl off the internet once and she turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?
Anyway, that is where I come in. I am going to share my wealth of experience at getting a shag, especially with you, loyal Foul reader.
This is the Virgins Guide to Shagging.
Recently my inbox has been inundated with requests for help from what some people would describe as 'celebrities'. As I don't watch any television or read anything apart from Wikipedia, I had no clue who these cunts were. It was pointed out to me by some blonde piece I had just larrupped one into. She said “Wow Bob, you have an email from Perrie Edwards! She's famous!”. I know what you're thinking, and yes, Bob is one of the fake names I use. Also, I don't know who the fuck Perrie Edwards is either. For starters he has spelled his name wrong!
Anyway, after I chucked that bird out of the Travelodge room for looking at my phone, I checked my emails to find literally tens of these cunts-- err, 'celebrities', had emailed me. Here for you delectation, is the Ask Jary Celebrity Special!
I have been watching the news this week instead of reading your letters. I know that doesn't help you virgin losers much, but I had a week off from shagging. Well, I only shagged one bird a day, but that counts as a week off for me. I say one bird a day, one different bird. It still counts as a week off though. Anyway, here is my quick capsule review of the weeks news stories and that.
I don't know if you are aware, but I'm a bit of a pseudo intellectual. I do a lot of skimming of high brow stuff, purely to make myself look clever for the women. Now, I know a lot of you think that science and sex are worlds apart, mainly because scienticians are all nerdy virgins, but trust me, I have developed a number of sciencical theories about sex and about why I get so much sex. If you're a sciencer you should probably stop reading now, I know you don't like shagging. But if you have a dick and want to use it, keep reading son!
What's happening losers? You know what I realised earlier in the week? There is no such thing as too much shagging. I was shagging a bird last week and while I was doing it, all I could think was how much I couldn't wait to shag my missus later on. I know I've never mentioned her before, but my missus Tray is a game old bird. Well, she looks like a pheasant anyway.
You can find all of our articles right here. Use the menus below to sort by date, author or series.