I know what you're thinking. "But Jary, what do you know about jobs?" Well I'll tell you for starters I've had more blow jobs than you can count. But second, I've also had more than 37 jobs. If there is one thing I have done almost as much as shagging, then it's going for job interviews. Because I'm the sharing type (I usually share my spunk with birds, but this will have to do) I'm going to let you in on my secret as to how I managed to blag more than 37 jobs. Read on sconners if you want to be as much of a success as me.
1. Wear Dirty Old Clothes
This is a no brainer. If you're at the head of a job interview panel and you see a guy walk in wearing an expensive Boss suit you know that guy has got some money. You know he's already made it in his chosen field. He's got nothing left to prove, his hunger has gone. If you see a guy walk in with an uneven beard wearing clothes made from empty packets of ASDA cheese curls and you know that he has never achieved a damn thing in his life. You know that he has the hunger, probably because he hasn't eaten for six days, and you know that he will give everything he has to this job because he needs it. Sure, he might not have the experience or knowledge to do the job as well as the guy in the expensive suit, or even to to the job at all, but the people on the job panel won't see that. They will see a potential go getter who will push them to the next level of the game.
2. Fluff Up Your CV With Stuff They Can't Check
Government licenced paedophile hunter? Black ops soldier? Kung Fu master? None of these things are checkable, even the last one if you are challenged to a fight, because Kung Fu is like rock, paper, scissors there is always a style that can beat yours, just claim that their style beat yours and you are golden. Any gaps should be filled in with things they cannot check. Experimental drug designer for MI5? See, it's easy to make this shit up.
3. Deck Any Alphas As Soon As You Walk In
The fact is you're probably a Beta at best. Come on, you're reading a fucking article on how to do well in job interviews, you parental disappointment. Anyway, the first thing that an Alpha is doing when you walk in is judging you. They can smell a Beta from a mile off, their fingers getting itchy and ready to give you a dead arm and fuck your missus. Trust me on this, I've got messed up knuckles from punching Betas and a gangrenous dick from fucking Betas birds. You need to establish that you won't stand for that kind of behavior, you need to get the first punch in and make it a good one. The best part is they can't do anything because they will lose their job if they hit you back. Unless you try it on me, I don't give a shit about being sacked, hence the over 37 job interviews.
4. If It's A Bird Forget The Interview
Who really cares about a job anyway? If that bird is on an interview panel she can buy shit for you. Get into her pants and it's a one way ticket to easy street. The best part about this arrangement? You know she has to go out during the day so you can get in loads of cheating between 9 and 5. I once did this to a bird who worked 9 to 5 and another one who worked 6 to 2! It was fucking fantastic, they both paid my phone bill and my car insurance. I made a profit off those two and did some double cheating.
5. Be Honest
There is nothing a boss likes more than honesty, and I'm not gonna go down that old joke of honesty being my greatest weakness. No bosses love honesty. So when they ask what your five year plan is, tell them the truth. Tell them you want to be STI free. Tell them you want to have porked his wife and secretary on his desk. Tell him exactly what you will do on his desk the day you quit. Bosses are stupid you see, and they will think these are all jokes. They will think you have a good sense of humour and will be a good addition to the team. Then when you do all of those things, it's the stupid bastards own fault for hiring you.
There you have it. If you still can't get a job then you're best off applying to be on a reality TV show like some kind of fame hungry asshole.
There you have it. If you still can't get a job then you're best off applying to be on a reality TV show like some kind of fame hungry asshole.
By Jary
@JaryFoulFantasy
Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.
@JaryFoulFantasy
Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.