Any man will tell you, having a dick is fucking awesome. Having a dick is a key to a world of pissing outside and wanking in strange places. Like Germany. When a man shags, he is literally inside a woman. Or man, if that's your deal. You don't need me to tell you how great it is to have a dick; Men spend on average 56% of their time in the shower trying to stretch it all the way around their legs.
Anyway, here are five ways that having a dick has changed the course of history. Now, these five ways are not all ground breaking, massively altering things. They are, however, undoubtedly definitely caused by having a dick. Probably a big one, like John Holmes.
1 - Putting Petrol In Your Car
Image Credit: telegraph.co.uk
When you put petrol in your car, you stand there, letting it shoot out into the tank. Sometimes whistling, often just staring right ahead. When it is done, you bring it out, shake it off and you are done.
Did I just describe putting petrol in your car?
Or did I describe how a man takes a piss? Think about it, even women put petrol in their cars, in the exact same way that men take a piss. I like to think that the way petrol is put into cars purely evolved from men taking the hose and saying “Fuck me, this is just like taking a piss”.
Did I just describe putting petrol in your car?
Or did I describe how a man takes a piss? Think about it, even women put petrol in their cars, in the exact same way that men take a piss. I like to think that the way petrol is put into cars purely evolved from men taking the hose and saying “Fuck me, this is just like taking a piss”.
2 - The Moon Landing
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On April 12th 1961, Yuri Gagarin became the first person to fly in space. The American people were worried about falling behind the Ruskies (That's how racists say Russians) in the space race. President Kennedy (Also a founding member of The Dead Kennedys) reacted to this nationalistic and quite simply ridiculous fear by pledging an expected $40 billion to the space program. He achieved his goal in his lifetime.
“Wait, you cunt” I hear you say, “didn't he die before they landed on the moon?” You're right, he did. Landing on the moon wasn't his goal, though. In March 1962, President John F Kennedy spent a weekend with Marilyn Monroe at Bing Cosby's house. America landed on the moon in 1969, because Kennedy wanted to throw one in Double-M so hard that he would do literally anything to impress her. Dicks 1 – 0 Ruskies.
“Wait, you cunt” I hear you say, “didn't he die before they landed on the moon?” You're right, he did. Landing on the moon wasn't his goal, though. In March 1962, President John F Kennedy spent a weekend with Marilyn Monroe at Bing Cosby's house. America landed on the moon in 1969, because Kennedy wanted to throw one in Double-M so hard that he would do literally anything to impress her. Dicks 1 – 0 Ruskies.
3 - The First Powered Flight
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In mid December 1903, Wilbur and Orville Wright took to Kil Devil Hills. It was here that Orville achieved the first ever powered flight, flying 120 feet in 12 seconds. They were the trailblazing leaders of the field of aeronautical engineering. They were also massive pussy hounds.
It's a little known fact that the reason the Wright brothers built their plane was because the twin girls next door were as fit as a butcher's dog. Unfortunately, their Dad had built a moat and filled it with crocodiles. They needed a way to get over. In 1905, Orville finally got his leg over, whilst Wilbur died of crocodile bite related injuries. Orville never called the girl, because telephones weren't mass produced at the time.
It's a little known fact that the reason the Wright brothers built their plane was because the twin girls next door were as fit as a butcher's dog. Unfortunately, their Dad had built a moat and filled it with crocodiles. They needed a way to get over. In 1905, Orville finally got his leg over, whilst Wilbur died of crocodile bite related injuries. Orville never called the girl, because telephones weren't mass produced at the time.
4 - The Beatles
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Forget what you know about Paul McCartney, if you can ignore his weird scrotum looking neck. Back in the 50s, when Paul McCartney was known as James McCartney, he struggled to get pussy. It's nice and simple really; thinking with his dick, Paul latched onto a local band and shagged his way around Liverpool. This isn't a massive thing really. Lots of musicians think with their dicks.
No, the real genius here? In 1966 Paul McCartney died. A Paul McCartney lookalike, so desperate to use his dick, pretended to be him and has done now for almost 50 years. That is 50 years of top quality shagging and low quality musical releases (Like anything by Wings) he has got under his belt. That is good thinking, with his dick.
No, the real genius here? In 1966 Paul McCartney died. A Paul McCartney lookalike, so desperate to use his dick, pretended to be him and has done now for almost 50 years. That is 50 years of top quality shagging and low quality musical releases (Like anything by Wings) he has got under his belt. That is good thinking, with his dick.
5 - The iPod
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This one is easy. Steve Jobs has always been a big dick player. He sacked people and bought out companies just for shits and giggles. He ran Apple like a man looks after his dick. Don't put it anywhere you wouldn't put your fingers. This is the true story of how the iPod was invented. Steve Jobs had just finished fucking his wife. She was giving him some shit about how he had shot his load in her face, where he was aiming and where had it all come from. To the two last questions he looked right at her and said “eye, pods” He then spent fourteen hours in his basement designing the iPod, using his nuts as his muse. Which explains why the first generation of iPod was a load of bollocks.
There you have it, next time you put petrol in your car (Which is phallus shaped by the way), listen to The Beatles on your iPod while on the way to JFK to fly somewhere, just think. Remember, none of that would be happening without dicks.
There you have it, next time you put petrol in your car (Which is phallus shaped by the way), listen to The Beatles on your iPod while on the way to JFK to fly somewhere, just think. Remember, none of that would be happening without dicks.
By The Cunt
Email The Cunt
A hidden face of the crew, The Cunt is main coder for Foul Entertainment games. He is currently documenting the progress of our game, Foul Fantasy, in his dev blogs.
Email The Cunt
A hidden face of the crew, The Cunt is main coder for Foul Entertainment games. He is currently documenting the progress of our game, Foul Fantasy, in his dev blogs.
