Shagging is an art. Unfortunately being good at shagging is zero help when it comes to getting a shag, which is little consolation seeing as I know that you internet guys are all virgins. It's the old saying goes, the internet: Where the men are men, the women are men and the kids are the police. That last part is especially true, Uncle Tone met a 14 year old girl off the internet once and she turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?
This is the Virgins Guide to Shagging.
1. The Addiction Method
Ha! I'm just fucking with you; the addiction method is a slice of genius. When you first meet the girl you go in for a hug. Then, you slip a nicotine patch on to the back of her neck. When you leave you go for the hug again and remove the patch. It works because she has a constant yearning for something, which she equates to being you. You are guaranteed some serious pussy action then.
By the time you wean her off the nicotine patch, she is yours. The only problem you have is if someone way better looking comes along. The way to get around this is by using another genius method: The chastity patch.
The chastity patch works very similar to a chastity belt from the middle ages: Whenever your woman is going to leave the house without you, you smear a little bit of shit on the back of her neck. Guaranteed to keep other men away, but not flies.
2. The Lying Method
Isn't it obvious? Make the lie true. If she discovers that you have been lying, then do whatever it was you said. Cage fighter? Organise a cage fight. Paedophile hunter? Storm the BBC offices.
3. The Reputation and Persistence Method
First things first, you have to move to somewhere far away. Hull, for example. When you get there you need to make sure that none of your friends from your old life are in touch. Then, you cultivate a massive web of lies around yourself and your persona. All men you meet, you must be brash and cocky. All women you meet, you must be brash and cocky. Talk about your legendary shagging exploits.
Most of all, every time you meet a woman, try to shag her. Nobody can strike out all of the time. Think about it, if you meet on average 10 different women a week for a year, that is 520 women. Even with a 0.1% success rate that is a woman every two years. If you actively seek out women, then you are going to get some serious shagging done.
Trick question. That goes against the point of this one. This is the technique of a master shagger. You're not in it for the long haul, you're after a squirt and that is it.
That's it losers. If you can't get some action now, you never will.
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Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.