Today is Election Day and I'm the only member of the writing staff who hasn't put my hat into the ring over this years General Election. You've get less than four hours to have your say today and you’re presumably reading this article for some last minute polling advice.
So here it is: Fucking go and vote, you prick.
So here it is: Fucking go and vote, you prick.
I umm-ed and ahh-ed over what I should use my last minute podium to tell you lot, and you might think that this is a bit of a moot point this late in the day. Those who have voted are proudly displaying so on Facebook, Twitter is apparently ablaze with people turning their polling stations into miniature versions of Crufts and no doubt the water coolers conversations of the day will make you realise just how much you actually do hate Barry from accounting, the bigoted arsepiece.
Image Credit: careerealism.com
Seriously, fuck Barry.
But after reading a certain sweary editorial, I just kept coming back to just telling you idiots to vote. Chiefly, my reason for doing so is the biggest thing that pissed me off about the last General Election: We got a government that literally nobody asked for. In order to stop that happening again, the non-voting population need to make their voices heard, no matter how stupid they may be.
Casting our minds back to 2010, take a look at these figures run by a poll of non-voters done by Survation:
Casting our minds back to 2010, take a look at these figures run by a poll of non-voters done by Survation:
Image Credit: survation.com
These figures just stink of a muddy apathy that is clogging the minds of people who claim to be the ‘hard working core of Britain’. If you worked that hard, you can spare less than five minutes of your day to put a fucking cross on a bit of paper and put it in a box. It is not hard. Working, as it turns out, is. To add insult to injury, the reasons given by the non voters are complete horseshite. From the bottom, let's rip this ideology up:
Why Not Voting Is Bullshit
Don’t believe the UK Parliament is important.
Bullshit. Clearly it is, otherwise there wouldn't be a big vote every five years to continuously shift the people in it so the country can trial new ways of governing fucking everything.
Not able to access polling stations or get a postal ballot.
Bullshit. Use this fucking link here. Now walk, cycle or drive to the place nearest you and do it. You do not live in Timbuk-fucking-tu, you fucking sloth. Also, no wonder you couldn't vote by post, the deadline for that was on April 21st, but you were probably sleeping. Even people abroad managed to do it, you lazy shits.
What I believe isn't represented by the political parties.
Bullshit. Unless you’re lobbying for the Frankenstein-like resurrection of Humphrey Bogart, chances are you just haven’t even bothered to switch on the news or visit a party’s website. This may shock you, but there are more than just the big two on a polling card. Look at the answer for the next point for help.
Bullshit. Clearly it is, otherwise there wouldn't be a big vote every five years to continuously shift the people in it so the country can trial new ways of governing fucking everything.
Not able to access polling stations or get a postal ballot.
Bullshit. Use this fucking link here. Now walk, cycle or drive to the place nearest you and do it. You do not live in Timbuk-fucking-tu, you fucking sloth. Also, no wonder you couldn't vote by post, the deadline for that was on April 21st, but you were probably sleeping. Even people abroad managed to do it, you lazy shits.
What I believe isn't represented by the political parties.
Bullshit. Unless you’re lobbying for the Frankenstein-like resurrection of Humphrey Bogart, chances are you just haven’t even bothered to switch on the news or visit a party’s website. This may shock you, but there are more than just the big two on a polling card. Look at the answer for the next point for help.
Image Credit: flickr.com
Humphrey even beat you to that, you lazy sod.
Not enough information to choose.
Bullshit. Here are links to every single fucking main party’s manifestos, that’s Labour, Tory, Lib Dem, UKIP, Green, SNP and Plaid Cymru. There’s fuckloads of info there. Also, there were two big debates you can watch here, you dipshits.
Not interested in politics.
Bullshit. To quote Thomas Mann, ‘Everything is politics’. Think about someone you hate. Now say aloud why you hate them. You have just expressed an opinion. Take a look at the political candidates standing in your areas. See that they have also expressed opinions. You may agree or disagree. Everything is politics.
Parties/Candidates are all the same.
Bullshit. Want to see where parties differ on key issues? The BBC have this handy tool that will show you that they are not all the same, you fucking mong.
Don’t believe my vote will make a difference.
Bullshit. 65% of the eligible UK voting populous voted in the last General Election. 45% did not. Bearing in mine that of that 65% that voted I mentioned before, the Conservative party gained 32% of those. Had the non-voting 45% of the UK actually got off their arses and done it, and in a weird twist of fate all voted the same person, ANYONE could have taken a parliamentary majority. Even this dead guy. Your vote absolutely DOES make a difference, you shithead.
Bullshit. Here are links to every single fucking main party’s manifestos, that’s Labour, Tory, Lib Dem, UKIP, Green, SNP and Plaid Cymru. There’s fuckloads of info there. Also, there were two big debates you can watch here, you dipshits.
Not interested in politics.
Bullshit. To quote Thomas Mann, ‘Everything is politics’. Think about someone you hate. Now say aloud why you hate them. You have just expressed an opinion. Take a look at the political candidates standing in your areas. See that they have also expressed opinions. You may agree or disagree. Everything is politics.
Parties/Candidates are all the same.
Bullshit. Want to see where parties differ on key issues? The BBC have this handy tool that will show you that they are not all the same, you fucking mong.
Don’t believe my vote will make a difference.
Bullshit. 65% of the eligible UK voting populous voted in the last General Election. 45% did not. Bearing in mine that of that 65% that voted I mentioned before, the Conservative party gained 32% of those. Had the non-voting 45% of the UK actually got off their arses and done it, and in a weird twist of fate all voted the same person, ANYONE could have taken a parliamentary majority. Even this dead guy. Your vote absolutely DOES make a difference, you shithead.
Image Credit: buzzfeed.com
This fucker is dead and he's putting in more effort than you.
Other.
Bull… hang on. Fucking what? Other is the top voted answer? Is this the polite way of saying that the non-voting public couldn't even be bothered to say why they didn't vote? Jesus fucking Christ, it’s this apathy that is poisoning British politics today. We aren't happy with our government, but we aren't even prepared to say why we aren't prepared to say anything about it?
Look at you, almost definitely vegetating in front of Netflix. ‘Are you still watching Ru Pauls Drag Race?’ the screen asks, seemingly either judging your taste in TV or checking to see if you haven’t suffered a brain aneurysm in the three hours you've been sat doing jack shit. You’re covered in Wotsit dust and Diet Coke spillage stains. The dog’s been scratching at the door for half an hour because he needs a piss and won’t let him out because you’re too fucking lazy to let him back in again. You’re too lazy to even say that you’re too lazy. And here's the proof:
Bull… hang on. Fucking what? Other is the top voted answer? Is this the polite way of saying that the non-voting public couldn't even be bothered to say why they didn't vote? Jesus fucking Christ, it’s this apathy that is poisoning British politics today. We aren't happy with our government, but we aren't even prepared to say why we aren't prepared to say anything about it?
Look at you, almost definitely vegetating in front of Netflix. ‘Are you still watching Ru Pauls Drag Race?’ the screen asks, seemingly either judging your taste in TV or checking to see if you haven’t suffered a brain aneurysm in the three hours you've been sat doing jack shit. You’re covered in Wotsit dust and Diet Coke spillage stains. The dog’s been scratching at the door for half an hour because he needs a piss and won’t let him out because you’re too fucking lazy to let him back in again. You’re too lazy to even say that you’re too lazy. And here's the proof:
Image Credit: survation.com
Fucking marvellous. Can't even be arsed to say what would make you vote. What a lost fucking cause you are. How have you gotten this far not being arsed about anything? We're in the middle of one of the biggest falls in people being arsed about the future of this country for years, and still we don't do jack shit about it. If you don't vote in this election, you should revoke your rights to say anything about how this country is run, simple as.
Does that sentence piss you off? Would you prefer not to say anything at all? Face it Britain, you are too lazy to go and change this country the way you want it changed. You’re too lazy to tell me why you won’t change it. And you’re too lazy to get up from your hovels and put an X on a slip of paper to show that you have opinions.
Go ahead, prove me wrong. I want you to. I dare you to.
Does that sentence piss you off? Would you prefer not to say anything at all? Face it Britain, you are too lazy to go and change this country the way you want it changed. You’re too lazy to tell me why you won’t change it. And you’re too lazy to get up from your hovels and put an X on a slip of paper to show that you have opinions.
Go ahead, prove me wrong. I want you to. I dare you to.
By Mike Owen
@ThatMikeOwen
The Editor in Chief of Foul Entertainment, Mike edits most of what you see on the site. He runs the production of our podcasts, and currently pens Pop Culture Club and The Death of Video Games.
@ThatMikeOwen
The Editor in Chief of Foul Entertainment, Mike edits most of what you see on the site. He runs the production of our podcasts, and currently pens Pop Culture Club and The Death of Video Games.