Here’s some harsh truth that I’m going to lay out for you straight away: you’re not that interesting. Chances are you work a shitty, low-paying job, and your life is overall about as interesting as dog shit smeared on a white bathroom wall. Your personality is as bland as every other 18-35 year old man or woman in the same situation as you and you may or may not have chlamydia. However, don’t worry, because there’s a shortcut you can take to instantly become interesting: pretend to enjoy wine more than is humanly possible.
As soon as I see one of these stupid memes about how wine (or ‘Prosecco’ in particular) is the basis of this person’s existence, I immediately know that the person who posted it is a bland, boring shit-for-brains asshole. First of all, if you’re so excited about the prospect of drinking that you openly discuss it on social media the day before, congratulations: you’re an alcoholic. I suggest you address this problem before it keeps you working at Wetherspoons for the rest of your life. You probably think I’m joking, but I’m definitely not. Last week, I was vetting potential employees by scouring their online presence for red flags (if you think companies don’t do this, you’re an idiot. They all do. It’s a very simple way to weed out dickheads), and I came across a woman whose Facebook was filled to the brim with quotes about how drinking is the only thing that makes her happy. Guess what? DELETED. I folded up her resume, filled it with weed and smoked that shit like it was a doobie rolled by King Kong.
Secondly, unless you’re 13, drinking isn’t an achievement. I drink every day because I can, and you know who I tell? Nobody. Not only do I drink every day, but I drink actual liquor, not fruity juice bullshit which tastes like piss water from a prison toilet. The people who frequently make a point of their drinking habits simply want the stigma of being a heavy drinker to have a direct effect on their personalities. Or more accurately, their lack of personalities. I don’t need that stigma, because I’m fairly happy with who I am regardless of how much whiskey I drink. Life is short, and it can be difficult to create a unique personality in a world run by celebrities. The Prosecco Personality is a shortcut to having achieved a personality without actually having to do the work.
Lastly, this is the thing that pisses me off the most: you probably don’t even drink it very often. I’ve touched on Facebook image crafting before and this is no different. In fact, it reminds me of Apple zealots. People who think that owning every iPod, iPhone, iPad, iPencil, iWatch and iMigrant gives them some kind of personality trait only shared by other Apple fanboys. It doesn’t. What phone you have doesn’t dictate your personality. Neither does your drinking schedule. Personality is formed by opinions, experiences, outlooks, philosophies, ideas and which of my articles you think is the best. Except that last one is a trick because they’re all the best.
Take home message: shut up.
Secondly, unless you’re 13, drinking isn’t an achievement. I drink every day because I can, and you know who I tell? Nobody. Not only do I drink every day, but I drink actual liquor, not fruity juice bullshit which tastes like piss water from a prison toilet. The people who frequently make a point of their drinking habits simply want the stigma of being a heavy drinker to have a direct effect on their personalities. Or more accurately, their lack of personalities. I don’t need that stigma, because I’m fairly happy with who I am regardless of how much whiskey I drink. Life is short, and it can be difficult to create a unique personality in a world run by celebrities. The Prosecco Personality is a shortcut to having achieved a personality without actually having to do the work.
Lastly, this is the thing that pisses me off the most: you probably don’t even drink it very often. I’ve touched on Facebook image crafting before and this is no different. In fact, it reminds me of Apple zealots. People who think that owning every iPod, iPhone, iPad, iPencil, iWatch and iMigrant gives them some kind of personality trait only shared by other Apple fanboys. It doesn’t. What phone you have doesn’t dictate your personality. Neither does your drinking schedule. Personality is formed by opinions, experiences, outlooks, philosophies, ideas and which of my articles you think is the best. Except that last one is a trick because they’re all the best.
Take home message: shut up.
By Joe Turner
Joe is one of the many writers we have at Foul Entertainment, known for Plenty Of Catfish. He is a main stay on the voice cast for Disagreevances. He's also responsible for the artistic design in our games.
Joe is one of the many writers we have at Foul Entertainment, known for Plenty Of Catfish. He is a main stay on the voice cast for Disagreevances. He's also responsible for the artistic design in our games.