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Listen up you mother fuckers. The original and best series on Foul Ent is back to kick you in your teeth and have sex with your mothers. I don’t discriminate by looks, I will even sleep with the really good looking ones. When they realise that I’m the guy who wrote the first ever FoulENT article they will have my balls in their face before they realise that just one of my testes could choke a gorilla. Too late bitch. You started, so finish. Women are idiots.
Listen up you mother fuckers. The original and best series on Foul Ent is back to kick you in your teeth and have sex with your mothers. I don’t discriminate by looks, I will even sleep with the really good looking ones. When they realise that I’m the guy who wrote the first ever FoulENT article they will have my balls in their face before they realise that just one of my testes could choke a gorilla. Too late bitch. You started, so finish. Women are idiots.
But wait, there’s one woman who isn’t. Maybe because she’s not a woman. She’s a man and her name is me, and this man-woman is delving into a world no woman is safe from. On this Plenty of Catfish we’re going after the big bad. The .jpegs that men love to send and women love to pretend not to love to receive. The subject of great debate amongst easy women and uptight prudes the world over. What do they really think? Do women like them? Do women pretend not to like them so they don’t come across as slags? Does anyone care?
When I checked my inbox after several months of neglecting my female alter ego, I came across what can only be described as a genital convention. Most emails I had received had attachments with them, and I didn’t even need to open them to see what they were.
DICK PICS.
Let’s recap a second, since I have neglected Plenty of Catfish worse than Courtney Love neglects her kids. What I pretend to be is a 26 year old woman who has a penchant for dirty talk and being zebra’d, when in actual fact I’m an adult male with too much time on his hands. I try and make it obvious I’m just trolling these people, but these quiff-sporting hunks of love can’t fathom the idea of something looking like a woman, sounding like a woman, but actually being a guy who writes about how much he hates you for a living. I try to take most of my conversations to email rather than through my dating site of choice because it opens up a whole new level of intimacy (read: perversion). I avoid genuine conversation with anyone (even though lesbians message me all the time, which is pretty hot) because leading people on is a different kettle of catfish, and not one I’m into. Also, any people genuinely searching for relationships can pretty much tell from my profile that I’m not real.
The clue is the Hoobastank concert.
Anyway, this particular segment of my 100+ emails caught my attention:
So who is Peter Jones and why has he sent me ten emails in a row? Peter Jones was someone I half-catfished a long time ago, but not much came of it. We exchanged email addresses and according to my history we only ever communicated via email once. I’m not sure what changed in that time. I assume Peter was just jonesing for a boning one night, so decided to send some emails to what he assumed was an easy lay. Wrong! Peter is about to get pissed on by a hot chick with a dick bigger than my inbox (me).
If you look closely you’ll see Peter has sent two attachments in total; in the first and third messages. In my experience, I expected a face shot followed up with a message of confirmation if I had received said face shot, followed by a genital pic. I opened up the first message, and to my surprise, saw this:
BAM! Straight in there with the dick. Peter Jones doesn’t mess around. He sends dick pictures first and asks questions later.
The reason why? This is one of two things. The most common reason for men sending dick pictures to girls they don’t know (especially on the very first message) is to appease a fetish for exhibitionism. They most likely get off on the fact that some random girl has seen their junk. The second one, and what I believe more likely, is that Peter Jones gets rejected a lot in the real world. It’s a built in nature to fear rejection, especially sexual rejection, so by immediately getting potential rejection out of the way early, it allows a more realistic experience when communicating with someone.
Why do I think he gets rejected a lot? Well, here’s the thing: I know Peter Jones in real life. He was a friend of mine from university, which was the reason why I catfished him in the first place. I also happen to know his wife, whom he respectfully mentions in his email asking if he could cheat on her with me.
Was it definitely my old psychology friend Peter Jones and not another Peter Jones? Perhaps the one from Dragon’s Den? No, because his other attachment confirms it.
I immediately informed his wife that her husband was still using AOL.
This dick on the first message scenario wasn’t an isolated incident either. I had 117 messages in total and I checked only a handful of them. I came across three dicks in ten attachments before I realised I’m a dude and it’s kind of weird to be looking at other dude’s dicks. It’s not that I’m against seeing dicks. I appreciate a dick if it’s a magnificent specimen to behold. But a lot of these dicks were weedy, flaccid, lifeless pieces of shit, and men are sending these to actual women?
I’m going to lay down some cold harsh truth here: no one has ever gotten laid from a dick pic. Instantly sending a woman a picture of your mediocre package isn’t going to get you anywhere. There are times for dick pictures. Firstly, charm a woman. Impress her with your skills, your attributes and your charisma. Win her over with the best version of yourself you can be, and once you’ve created that connection, a dick pic will serve as the icing on a potentially-erotic cake. And what happens then? Everyone gets laid.
Here’s the thing, men. I’m not a feminist by any means. I’m one of the most sexist people you will ever meet. But women are great. They’re hot. They give us sex and they mostly do a good job of it. Getting laid is a priority in everyone’s book, and these idiots who send girls pictures of their dick from the off are salting the earth for all of us. What they’re doing is making it harder for genuine guys to not come across as creeps who get off on the idea of a woman seeing a picture of their penis. What are we, twelve years old? If you meet a woman in a club, and the previous night she had a dick pic sent to her by some douchebag, she’s going to assume there’s a large percentage of men who do exactly the same, and she might assume you’re one of them. Then what happens? Three people don’t get laid – the girl, the guy, and the guy who sent her a dick pic. Everyone loses when you send a girl an unsolicited dick pic.
My true motivation for this article was speaking to several young guys I work with, all between 18-22 years old. We were discussing sex, as we men often do, and I was surprised by their lack of experience. These guys weren’t prudes, they were all actively trying to bang women, but their success rate was abysmal. The main reason? The girls they were chatting up on Tinder, POF, OKCupid and Match assumed they were creeps simply by being active on those sites. The types of people who send dick pictures are the types of people who lurk in these places and they’re making it difficult for genuine guys to get laid. A fact further reinforced by the amount of dick pictures an obvious troll gets sent. If three out of ten pics I get sent are of dicks then what chances do actual, non-obvious troll women have?
All I want is for people to bang more. Slamming members of the opposite sex (or the same sex) makes us happy, and if we’re happy, we’re not being assholes. Next time you’re chatting to a girl and you’re thinking of dick picking her, wait a few days. It will pay off.
By Joe Turner
Joe is one of the many writers we have at Foul Entertainment, known for Plenty Of Catfish. He is a main stay on the voice cast for Disagreevances. He's also responsible for the artistic design in our games.
Joe is one of the many writers we have at Foul Entertainment, known for Plenty Of Catfish. He is a main stay on the voice cast for Disagreevances. He's also responsible for the artistic design in our games.