This article is a part of FoulENT's 30 Days of Stuff! Click here to read all 30 Days entries and be sure to come back every day in May for new stuff just like this!
If you’re anything like me, the most socially awkward situation you could find yourself in is when your balls are too big for standard issue medical apparatus, so instead of having some minor dentistry work the hot woman nurse just gives you a handy to make up for her incompetence. The problem is, as I’ve said many times, everyone else is not me. If the world were full of me clones, no one would get anything done because everyone would be drinking heavily and getting handjobs from medical personnel. Laws would be passed to ensure lesbians spend most of their time scissoring and erections would be mandatory at all times. In my world, there is no such thing as being ‘too high’, and instead of learning how to read, children are taught how to operate power tools from the age of 4.
If you’re anything like me, the most socially awkward situation you could find yourself in is when your balls are too big for standard issue medical apparatus, so instead of having some minor dentistry work the hot woman nurse just gives you a handy to make up for her incompetence. The problem is, as I’ve said many times, everyone else is not me. If the world were full of me clones, no one would get anything done because everyone would be drinking heavily and getting handjobs from medical personnel. Laws would be passed to ensure lesbians spend most of their time scissoring and erections would be mandatory at all times. In my world, there is no such thing as being ‘too high’, and instead of learning how to read, children are taught how to operate power tools from the age of 4.
As if to spite me, people who get embarrassed under the most common circumstances continue to exist, ruining any plans mankind has for an ideal universe. Thanks a lot you hippies. Now we’ll never get to drink and scissor all day. Regardless, I’m going to lay out some common scenarios which these huge pussies claim makes them feel awkward, and I’m going to explain how you how you can address these overwhelming surges of pussidom.
Coming Out Of A Toilet Cubicle
There’s nothing more embarrassing than when someone knows you’ve had a shit, even more so when there’s only one person in the bathroom with you. The tension between the shitter and the innocent bathroom civilian is magnified by such factors as to whether the toilet flush is still audible, how bad it smells, and whether your face is flustered due to excess strain.
Image Credit: vice.com
How to address it: In an awkward scenario, the person who makes the first contact usually has the power. The best approach is to straight up mention you’ve had a dump. ‘Listen, Jim, we’re both adults. I’ve just had a crap in there, and if you don’t believe me, take a look for yourself.’ Walk out of the bathroom without washing your hands then hold your fingers to your colleague Janine’s noise.
Liking a Facebook Photo Over a Week Old
Believe it or not, there are people who don’t look at hardcore pornography. Luckily, most adult websites have this type of wimp covered with a category known as softcore. I don’t know what softcore is because I’m too busy banging real women and not replying to their texts to check myself, but Mike tells me it’s basically pictures of women who don’t have things inserted into their vaginas. The woman behind me just saw me type that sentence and I overheard her telling her friend ‘nothing in their vaginas? What's the point?’ but when I turned around I saw they were both blonde women dressed as librarians, and were gracious enough to let me insert something into both of their vaginas and one of their asses. Anyway this got me thinking, if softcore porn is just normal pictures, surely this type of porn could be sufficed by just looking at people’s Facebook pictures? But then I remembered Mark Wahlberg is an asshole and he invented ‘likes’, which can accidentally be triggered without your knowing, especially when you have the Elvis legs. Then I thought: so what? What’s the worst that could happen? Fuck Mark Wahlberg and fuck your Facebook photo of you in a bikini from 2006.
Image Credit: rofls.com
How to address it: So you accidentally clicked ‘like’ and some woman you went to school with knows you were wristing one off to a photo of her before she was fat. She sends you a message with an emoji of a confused face, to which you respond by showing up at her door and kicking her in the head. ‘BAM! Don’t send me emojis bitch!’ You return home to find that she’s blocked you on Facebook and reported you to the police, to which they show up at your house and arrest for you wanking off to a fat woman. What a loser.
Making Small Talk With A Woman (Who Knows You've Had a Shit)
The older I get, the more I realise the world revolves around crap. Last week I went on a date with a woman who refused to sleep with me because I had some shit on my forehead. She was the one who brought it up, so I don’t really know what she was expecting. Once she knew I had recently Released Mandela she was reluctant to say much else. Our date then descended into long periods of silence with intermissions of me telling sexist jokes. Whatever. She lost out. And the chances of her letting me do a shit on her chest were basically zero.
Image Credit: lds.net
How to address it: Like I said before, the best way to address a shitcident (shit-incident) is to come straight out and mention it. ‘Yeah, I got some shit on my face. What are the chances of me motorboating your cans?’ Dating blows.
Being Left Alone With The Parents of the Person You're Banging
Do you have a girlfriend? A wife? A husband? If you answered yes to any of these questions, congratulations: you’re average. I don’t have a girlfriend, I have six. That means I suck on average twelve different tits a week. Enjoy your mealy two-breasted relationships, losers. I’m off to make a tit pie and use my dick as the filling.
Image Credit: onionstatic.com
How to address it: There’s a stigma attached to being young, and that stigma is you’re a horny virgin who will put his dick in anything small enough to create friction. If you happen to be of such an age, meeting a partner’s parents is the most awkward thing you will ever do, and they will definitely hate you. Luckily, this awkwardness eventually goes away. Actually, I lied, it never goes away. You just have to learn to not be a bitch. I meet new women I’m banging’s parents every week. The only difference is I don’t feel awkward because I show up to their houses in just my pants. When they ask me why I’ve stuffed two bookends down my crotch, I tell them that’s my balls they’re looking at, and to show some respect to the man who’s ploughing their eighteen year old daughter.
By Joe Turner
Joe is one of the many writers we have at Foul Entertainment, known for Plenty Of Catfish. He is a main stay on the voice cast for Disagreevances. He's also responsible for the artistic design in our games.
Joe is one of the many writers we have at Foul Entertainment, known for Plenty Of Catfish. He is a main stay on the voice cast for Disagreevances. He's also responsible for the artistic design in our games.