Ask Jary - #2 Women, Wanking and West

Welcome shaggers and shaggees, it's that time again where I answer your desperate cries for help/attention. 

This week, I was inundated with various rope burn and broken cable tie issues. That means only one thing; Fifty Shades of Grey is out at the pictures. Now as I have documented here, I am not a fan of that bulbous pile of piss poor soft porn. So, I threw all of those fucking hack letters in the bin, along with nine copies of Fifty Shades of Plagiarism and a copy of The Stand. That last one may seem confusing, and I can understand why. It confused me too, it wasn't about a night-stand that was next to a bed where loads of shagging went down; it was a fucking horror book! I was glad in a way, it meant I didn't have to write about how I hated Steven King, because the night-stand book was my idea first!

Image Credit: dumbfunnydrunk.com/

Pictured: Bare good book

Anyway, on to the letters. Hit the 'read more' button, you numpty.

Hi Jary, I have recently started seeing a new man, he is sweet in every way, except in the bedroom. Whenever we have sex as soon as he gets close to orgasm he puts on some of those stupid glasses that look like Venetian blind, says “I'ma let you finish, but I just had the best orgasm of all time.. all time” then falls asleep on top of me. What should I do?

Kimberly, 19

Yeezus Christ

Image Credit: theguardian.com

Pictured: Prick

First things first, that particular sex move is known as “Kanyeing”; it's the opposite of “Stinging”. I have done both in my time. 

I normally Kanye ugly birds or birds with shit tits, or “shtits” if you will. That way, at least, I have shot my bolt before I throw up or get bored or something. Stinging however is when you last fucking ages, normally if you are pissed or the bird is mad fit and you want it to last ages before you give her a fake name and run off. So, from this I can say with 96.4% accuracy that you are an ugly bird or you have shtits. So, there is only one road to go down; Get your knockers done. Everyone wins. In the 3.6% chance I am wrong, you might be shagging some no mark rapper. Probably best to sack him off before he marries you and greases up your arse.

Wanker's Paradise

I've just had the best wank of my life! What should I do? I will never top it! 

Ronothan Joss, 49

Image Credit: blog.easytobook.com/

Pictured: Where most lonely paupers go every night

Right, this is serious business. 

Every time I have a proper good shuffle the first thing I do is bottle the jitler, then I send it to myself via recorded delivery. That way, it is instantly under copy-write law. This is an important step; if someone else tries to steal your idea, you have proof of the date you had your idea. It won't always stand up in court, but it is an initial measure to ensure that you retain your legal rights. The final step is to go to this site here and patent your idea. I currently have more patents registered than James Dyson. 

A final thought: Don't give up. As good as it was trying to remove your skeleton that time, the next one could top it again! Keep tugging away.

Bad Bitches, That's My Problem

Hey man, I had a lot of problems in the past. I mean a lot! But women was never one of those, bitches ain't never been a problem of mine player. But then my trip ass sister in law starts kicking the shit outta me in an elevator man. Hell, I was gonna knock the bitch out but then I remembered you can't do that shit no more. It ain't the 90s you know what I'm sayin'? Now I got my wife trippin' at me and my fuckin' sister in law!  What do I do man? I got a fuckin' ton of problems. 100 of those bitches. 

Ray-B, 21

Image Credit: nbc.com

Pictured: Budget Celebrity Deathmatch

Damn right, you don't go hitting that woman. Women are for shagging, not beating. The only thing you should beat, is your meat. If you can't find a woman to shag anyway. 


I think you are missing the point here, simple maths says that if you have 100 problems, by trying to persuade your wife and sister to have a threesome with you, it will turn two problems (your wife and sister in law) into one problem. Hence, your 100 problems turn into 99 again. There is also the added bonus that they might agree to it and there isn't a problem at all, then you have 98 problems. 


You just have to think about that popular song; 99 Green bottles. If one of those bottles falls, then you lose a bottle. It works the same with problems, unless your problem is stinging when you piss. It normally stings when I piss after I have been stinging, ironically enough, but that is a story for another letter.

Like A Virgin

Dear Jary, I have never had an orgasm. What should I do?

Germaine Greer, 93

Image Credit: flare.com

Pictured: An alphabet I'll never use

Come round my house bab, I will give you your first orgasm. One of mine, in your mouth. Or on your tits if you prefer.


Problems in the bedroom? Marriage in a rut? Is your wife clearly cheating and you'd like me to stop railing her? Contact [email protected] or tweet me and I'll sort you out.

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By Jary
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Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.

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