I don't read books. I haven't even read a wank rag since I got the internet in 1999. So, when I saw the trailer last week for Fifty shades of Grey, it really curdled my spunk. It really fucked me off, because I had that idea years ago. Let's flash back a bit.
1997; A young Jary is sitting in his bedroom. He's just emptied his spuds onto a copy of 'Mammoth Melons Monthly'. He has an idea. “What if a ginger bloke managed to pull birds by being a massive rich twat?”. Admittedly, I had watched the best of Boris Becker earlier on Channel 4, but fuck off it was my idea. I always had my best ideas post wank; That is how I came up with 'WankApp'. Basically, if your phone detects you are using it one handed it stops you from phoning or texting anyone. That might sound like a stupid idea, but I always get the urge to text an ex half way through a wank, so this App stops any post ejaculation cancelling of plans.
Back to last week, and I became increasingly angry that this obviously large woman, E.L. James, had blatantly stolen my idea. So, to remedy this, I decided to finish writing my own erotic fiction. Slated to be released next year, here are some selected excerpts from 'Magnificent Shagger'!
1997; A young Jary is sitting in his bedroom. He's just emptied his spuds onto a copy of 'Mammoth Melons Monthly'. He has an idea. “What if a ginger bloke managed to pull birds by being a massive rich twat?”. Admittedly, I had watched the best of Boris Becker earlier on Channel 4, but fuck off it was my idea. I always had my best ideas post wank; That is how I came up with 'WankApp'. Basically, if your phone detects you are using it one handed it stops you from phoning or texting anyone. That might sound like a stupid idea, but I always get the urge to text an ex half way through a wank, so this App stops any post ejaculation cancelling of plans.
Back to last week, and I became increasingly angry that this obviously large woman, E.L. James, had blatantly stolen my idea. So, to remedy this, I decided to finish writing my own erotic fiction. Slated to be released next year, here are some selected excerpts from 'Magnificent Shagger'!
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The following excerpts are taken from the work in progress masterpiece, 'Magnificent Shagger'. If any of you bastards nick it and make it into a shit film again, I'll ruin you harder than I ruined your mum last night. In your bed. You have been warned.
“Fernando drove his 1976 Audi 80 LS Quattro past the Burger King. He resisted the temptation to enter. There was only one thing he was going to enter tonight, Rosalind's snatch! He pulled onto the Beefeater car park. He knew the plan, have a tuna salad. There is nothing worse than a food baby putting you off your stroke, besides Fernando had already had 6 pints tonight, dutch courage he called it. Driving under the influence was what Officer Malone said 6 hours later. But that came later, much later. First, he had some shagging to do.”
As you can see the protagonist is a charismatic and obviously handsome man. This is the first paragraph from the novel; I didn't want to make him too awesome from the off, so I had to add a negative in. Because of how awesome he is, I put in drink driving as his character flaw. It is the only way to dial him down enough to make him relatable to regular men. I am not down with drink driving, that is for cunts. Affairs and minor STDs, however, are awesome.
“Hortensia lay back on the bed, smoking. 'Shall I use more lube next time?' said J̶a̶r̶y̶ Fernando. Hortensia rolled her eyes. Fernando looked deep into her eyes, she could feel his gaze burning into her soul like a 50W CO2 laser engraving U-flash disk auxiliary rotary engraver cuts into a piece of perspex. 'You best fuck off love, my missus will be back in ten minutes, that's why I had to cum so fast'”
As you can see here, he is a go getter. He makes sure that he finishes shagging women, before he shags some other women.
“Fernando surveyed the dance floor. He looked around the women there. A beautiful long legged lady with large breasts and blonde hair kept giving him the eye. Fernando knew what he had to do. He moved to the bar, he ordered his trademark drink. Three pints and a whiskey chaser. He looked around, she had gone. Fernando knew what he had to do. He took a fat bird home and crashed his yoghurt truck into her.”
Some of it is autobiographical. Especially that bit.
“Fernando drove his 1976 Audi 80 LS Quattro past the Burger King. He resisted the temptation to enter. There was only one thing he was going to enter tonight, Rosalind's snatch! He pulled onto the Beefeater car park. He knew the plan, have a tuna salad. There is nothing worse than a food baby putting you off your stroke, besides Fernando had already had 6 pints tonight, dutch courage he called it. Driving under the influence was what Officer Malone said 6 hours later. But that came later, much later. First, he had some shagging to do.”
As you can see the protagonist is a charismatic and obviously handsome man. This is the first paragraph from the novel; I didn't want to make him too awesome from the off, so I had to add a negative in. Because of how awesome he is, I put in drink driving as his character flaw. It is the only way to dial him down enough to make him relatable to regular men. I am not down with drink driving, that is for cunts. Affairs and minor STDs, however, are awesome.
“Hortensia lay back on the bed, smoking. 'Shall I use more lube next time?' said J̶a̶r̶y̶ Fernando. Hortensia rolled her eyes. Fernando looked deep into her eyes, she could feel his gaze burning into her soul like a 50W CO2 laser engraving U-flash disk auxiliary rotary engraver cuts into a piece of perspex. 'You best fuck off love, my missus will be back in ten minutes, that's why I had to cum so fast'”
As you can see here, he is a go getter. He makes sure that he finishes shagging women, before he shags some other women.
“Fernando surveyed the dance floor. He looked around the women there. A beautiful long legged lady with large breasts and blonde hair kept giving him the eye. Fernando knew what he had to do. He moved to the bar, he ordered his trademark drink. Three pints and a whiskey chaser. He looked around, she had gone. Fernando knew what he had to do. He took a fat bird home and crashed his yoghurt truck into her.”
Some of it is autobiographical. Especially that bit.
Cumming next year; “Magnificent Shagger!”
By Jary
Tweet at Jary
Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.
Tweet at Jary
Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.