This time last year I wrote an excellent article about the types of people you meet at popular music festivals. Back then, I basically said that festivals are full of bell ends. This year, I'm here to tell you the exact same thing. I noticed a further few types of asshole this year, ones which previously sidestepped by fool-proof asshole detector. The question remains: which one are you?
Sunburned Shirtless Man With Back Tattoo
Relatively harmless, the Sunburned Shirtless Man With Back Tattoo is usually found towards the back of the field during a performance by a novelty act. Perhaps the most mysterious thing about this man is that he boasts excessive sunburn all over his body despite it having rained for three days.
The Drunker Than You Man
Drinking is great. It's probably my favourite thing to do in the morning. Luckily, I also have the uncommon ability of self-control. That means, when I drink so much that I begin to shit down my leg, I know it's time to stop. For most people at festivals, drinking to the point of paralysis becomes somewhat of an achievement. All I can say is: keep it up. The sooner you die, the sooner you're out of my way.
The Sleep Anywhere Man
60 years ago, man walked on the moon. Last week, man slept in a pool of piss-soaked mud while heavy machinery emptied portaloos around him.
Man Dressed As Food
In a world which trends are impossible to keep up with, there's one thing which never goes out of style: dressing up as a taco. Fancy dress can be a difficult concept to grasp, especially since blacking up went out of fashion sometime in 2012. When in doubt, simply dress up as an edible substance. For example, a chicken skewer, or a plate of rice.
Unnecessarily Naked Man
There is an unwritten rule which states the only people we should see naked are women with big cans. The beauty of this rule not only applies to festivals, but all aspects of life. Even if you're a straight female, seeing another woman with her tits out is a treat for the eyes. Besides, everyone knows that all women are secretly lesbians. What I don't want to see some scrawny teenager with his cock out because he thinks that just because his mom isn't around, he can whip his microdick out whenever he feels. No. Dicks away, tits out.
That's it for this year. This will probably be the last one of these I ever do because festivals piss me off now I'm that I'm 57.
By Joe Turner
@apocrypha87
Joe is what many people would refer to as a real piece of shit. He once lied about his whereabouts to get out of helping his friend move house and thinks a lot of blind people are faking it. He once auditioned to be a back up dancer for Shakira.
@apocrypha87
Joe is what many people would refer to as a real piece of shit. He once lied about his whereabouts to get out of helping his friend move house and thinks a lot of blind people are faking it. He once auditioned to be a back up dancer for Shakira.