I recently returned from a popular music festival in the UK, and although the majority of my time spent there was me declaring to myself that I’m “too old for this shit”, I cannot speak too badly of the experience on a whole. The music, toilets, facilities and boobs were all of an enjoyable standard. There was only one thing which really pissed me off – the people.
Too bad they’re attached to a ‘person’.
Yet again, it's other people who ruin my plans for a universe without idiotry. Here’s a breakdown of every single retard I met.
The No-People Skills University Student Goth
It can be difficult being an 18-21 year old in today’s world. In a society where your worth is dictated by how many Instagram likes your profile photo has, it can be tempting to take a shortcut to Personalityville – enter the No People Skills University Student Goth. The NPSUSG is one year into their psychology degree, which is ironic since their grasp of social interaction is minimal at best. These people are usually incredibly skinny, they will never make eye contact, and the notion of small talk whilst passing each other is rarer than a legal aged girl in a BBC dressing room. Just saying ‘hello’ is enough to make them scutter past you like you’ve asked them to remove a used condom which is still hanging off your dick. Their social media posts consist of plagiarized quotations about how they “aren’t accepted” or are constantly “struggling on the inside”, yet will take no steps to better themselves. Despite their possibly made-up struggles, they will be sure spend their mornings applying enough cosmetics to choke a horse. Nothing says tortured soul like endless layers of make-up and nail polish.
The Fancy Dress Personality Substitute
I noticed this a while ago yet restrained from commenting on it. I waited until I was in a festival environment to put my theory into practice, and I can now confirm with 100% accuracy that fancy dress is for idiots. Actually, I shouldn’t be so quick to judge. There are a few notable exceptions for getting dressed up.
• You are a hot woman who is dressing up as a nurse to sit on my boner
• No other exceptions
Maybe it’s because I’m old as fuck now, but seeing a man run around in a dress stopped being funny when I was about 14. Usually I wouldn’t care to stop and ask why, but this weekend I was in a particular critical mood so I did exactly that – I asked why. Why is a man in a dress considered funny? I asked and I couldn’t think of an answer. Is it the absurdity of the male temperament willingly engaging in an act usually reserved for women? Are we laughing with him for being “crazy” and daring to perform such a valiant act of defiance against social norms? Are we laughing at him for being a bell end? Is he an attention seeking twat? All of these?
Yet again, I’ve concluded that it can be boiled down to having no personality, therefore resorting to a shortcut to appear interesting. Boring.
• You are a hot woman who is dressing up as a nurse to sit on my boner
• No other exceptions
Maybe it’s because I’m old as fuck now, but seeing a man run around in a dress stopped being funny when I was about 14. Usually I wouldn’t care to stop and ask why, but this weekend I was in a particular critical mood so I did exactly that – I asked why. Why is a man in a dress considered funny? I asked and I couldn’t think of an answer. Is it the absurdity of the male temperament willingly engaging in an act usually reserved for women? Are we laughing with him for being “crazy” and daring to perform such a valiant act of defiance against social norms? Are we laughing at him for being a bell end? Is he an attention seeking twat? All of these?
Yet again, I’ve concluded that it can be boiled down to having no personality, therefore resorting to a shortcut to appear interesting. Boring.
The “I’m Only Here To Tell You How Good A Different Festival Is” Guy
Legend tells of a strange man who roams the festival grounds between the hours of 7 and 7:30am He is at every single festival. He is always there, watching and waiting. If you happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, this mysterious entity will pounce. He doesn’t care who you are. Man, woman, child, goth. If he catches you, you’re fucked.
Have you been to Download? He’s been to Upload.
Have you been to Reading? He’s been Writing.
Have you been to V? He’s been to Z.
He is the Festival Veteran, and he will make sure you endure several minutes of painful conversation. He walks alone because no one else wants to go with him. He goes to so many festivals that he’s comfortable with speaking shit to absolutely anyone who will listen. He is desensitised to basic social interactions because he spends 90% of his life on a campsite. He roams the grounds early in the morning because that’s when people are most susceptible to bullshit. His basic attack is to tell you this “this festival isn’t as good as X”, unaware that such an argument serves no real purpose. What are people supposed to do? “Yeah, you’re probably right. Fuck this festival! Let’s go to another one right now!” What a loser.
Have you been to Download? He’s been to Upload.
Have you been to Reading? He’s been Writing.
Have you been to V? He’s been to Z.
He is the Festival Veteran, and he will make sure you endure several minutes of painful conversation. He walks alone because no one else wants to go with him. He goes to so many festivals that he’s comfortable with speaking shit to absolutely anyone who will listen. He is desensitised to basic social interactions because he spends 90% of his life on a campsite. He roams the grounds early in the morning because that’s when people are most susceptible to bullshit. His basic attack is to tell you this “this festival isn’t as good as X”, unaware that such an argument serves no real purpose. What are people supposed to do? “Yeah, you’re probably right. Fuck this festival! Let’s go to another one right now!” What a loser.
The “Last Year’s Lineup Was Better” Guy
This guy is a blood relative of the person above, and the two can sometimes overlap into one giant walking insufferable asshole. In fact, the “last year’s lineup was better” comment can sometimes be a gateway for this person to get your attention, and then hit you with the “this festival isn’t as good as X” bullshit. Early indicators to be aware of:
• Anyone hanging around a burger van wearing a t-shirt from last year’s festival
• “I wish X were playing this year”
• “You ever been bummed? By another man, that is.”
• Anyone hanging around a burger van wearing a t-shirt from last year’s festival
• “I wish X were playing this year”
• “You ever been bummed? By another man, that is.”
The Recently Enlightened Hippy
Studies have shown that there’s nothing people dislike more than a recently enlightened hippy.
The recently enlightened hippy is female and can usually be found near a pool of mud. They will always be barefoot and their attire will be what they consider 'bohemian', which translates in real talk to shit they found in their nan's loft. If this isn’t enough to go on, they usually have little to no breastage and look like Neil from The Young Ones. In the weeks leading up to the festival they have Google searched “how to be a hippy” more times than they have been out of bed before 10am. They think that not wearing shoes makes them “grounded” or “one with nature” when in actual fact it’s gross and will probably cause a life threatening fungal infection. The recently enlightened hippy will tell you that she’s vegetarian even though you didn’t ask and will use any opportunity to point out how Quorn tastes “just as good” as meat. After two days of suffering the recently enlightened hippy’s nonsense, you will find yourself willingly chatting to the “I’m Only Here To Tell You How Good A Different Festival Is” guy just for a break from her shit.
By Joe Turner
Joe is one of the many writers we have at Foul Entertainment, known for Plenty Of Catfish. He is a main stay on the voice cast for Disagreevances. He's also responsible for the artistic design in our games.
Joe is one of the many writers we have at Foul Entertainment, known for Plenty Of Catfish. He is a main stay on the voice cast for Disagreevances. He's also responsible for the artistic design in our games.