I'm not going to lie, this article was written for just two things: Unashamedly bashing Michael Bay, and expressing my ridiculous for a grown man love for The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It's going to be a weird ride kids, let me take you back in time a bit.
I'm a little Cunt, probably about 4 or 5. I always enter stupid fucking quizzes on the radio and things, you know the ones; A is the right answer, B is a sensible but obviously wrong answer and C is just plain ridiculous. I never win; I think my mother was possibly having an affair with Les Ross which is why she kept phoning in, either way I never won a fucking thing. Anyway, for some reason she enters one on Steve Wright's show, which was on Radio One no less, and the prize is a trip to America to see some Turtles thing and loads of the figures. I don't win, but I do get a consolation prize of a Turtles calendar. I fucking loved that calendar, it stayed on my wall until I moved out of my parents shed. I loved it for two reasons: I had finally won something, as shit as it was, and because I was obsessed with The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Image Credit: zavvi.com
Fast forward to the present day and while I am not obsessed with The Turtles like I was when I was a little Cunt, I still like them a lot. So much so that I watch a few episodes of the best TV version of them (The fantastic 2003 show) on a weekly basis. I'm not a Michael Bay fan as it is; I liked Bad Boys and... erm... that's about it. So, when I heard he was going to be producing the latest film, I wasn't blown away. Then it came out... Fuck me.
Now, Instead of me ranting away like some kind of YouTube sensation who ended up in the Metro, I'm gonna try to be reasonable about this and explain why I fucking hated this disgusting abomination.
Now, Instead of me ranting away like some kind of YouTube sensation who ended up in the Metro, I'm gonna try to be reasonable about this and explain why I fucking hated this disgusting abomination.
Bay Didn't Direct It, But He May As Well Have
Over the top ridiculous action? Check. Lack of depth in the characters, all of them just being used for shockingly bad quips? Check. Megan Fox? Check. Megan Fox being fucking shit? Check. It runs like the 'How To Be Michael Bay Handbook'. It doesn't develop as a story, it just becomes ridiculous, and when you manage to make a film about giant mutated Turtles who are taught to be ninjitsu masters by a giant mutated rat TOO ridiculous, you're a fucking stupid cunt. The biggest problem for me was that it didn't make me care about The Turtles, and when you consider that before the film started I really did care about them, it means that was a complete failure.
Image Credit: deadline.com
Megan Fox was unlikeable, The Turtles were either unlikeable or just straight up weird, The whole bloody thing was just unlikeable. I understand where they are coming from, Megan Fox is so fit that even if she burnt to death, I would still shag her ashes, but The Turtles thinking this? Surely they would go for someone who actually did look like a Turtle without a shell, like Ulrika Jonnson. Even then, turtles have dongs that are about ¾ the length of their bodies, so even ignoring the bestial nature of Michaelangelo constantly trying to fuck Fox, he would have destroyed her with his Doctor Manhattan-esque cock. And no-one wants to see that, except the people who watched Kim Kardashian's sex tape.
They Listened To The Fans Over The Backstory
I am not on for continuity when it comes to The Turtles. I am all about there being retellings of the origins. The comics, the 80's series and the 2003 series all have different ways of going about it. In the comics, Shredder died after about two issues (He did return a few times, but he was never a massive villain). In the 80's series, his origin was pretty similar to the comic but he was a main villain and then bumbling comic relief. In the 2003, series he was a convict of a peaceful, technologically advanced alien race piloting a human robot. All different ways of dealing with the same character, and surprisingly all good.
Image Credit: screenrant.com
The film originally wanted to make the evil corporate head The Shredder, but fans complained. So, instead of the only character with any actual character development playing the main villain in the film, it is left to a generic far eastern martial arts guy to fulfil the duties. Oh, he has hardly any lines and consequently it means the square root of fuck all when he goes head to head with The Turtles and Splinter. Well done, you fucked up making the film interesting. If there is one thing that is consistent about the various incarnations of The Turtles, it is that there have always been differences each time. It might have failed miserably, but fuck, it can't have been any worse than possibly the blandest version of one the of most bad ass villains ever created.
It Just Plain Sucked
Here is something that I always try to ask myself when films come out about characters I am already invested in: Would I like it if this was the first ever entry in this property? Like the 90's Judge Dredd film, Superman Returns and Two and a Half Men sans Charlie Sheen. Clearly, the answer is no.
Image Credit: mrmovie-review.com
Michael Bay, by producing this unadulterated abortion of a film you have managed to prove the old adage that things come around in threes. First Jimmy Savile gets revealed, then Rolf Harris and now this, the final vestige of my childhood memories are forever penetrated by a massively oversized turtle cock. Fuck you Michael Bay, if you want to make shit films about things that don't matter like Pearl Harbour, I can deal with that, but this is just wrong. Oh, and Megan Fox will never fuck you, no matter how many times you hire her. You virgin.
By The Cunt
Email The Cunt
A hidden face of the crew, The Cunt is main coder for Foul Entertainment games. He is currently documenting the progress of our game, Foul Fantasy, in his dev blogs.
Email The Cunt
A hidden face of the crew, The Cunt is main coder for Foul Entertainment games. He is currently documenting the progress of our game, Foul Fantasy, in his dev blogs.