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When a huge blockbuster movie hits the cinemas, you can be sure of two things. One, spoiler crybabies will be out in full force, filling social media with their shit, and two, within a week there will be a ‘fan theory’ written by some loser who thinks that a minor element of the film offers a hidden meaning which changes the entire context of the movie.
Anyway, there's a big one after the jump for Brokeback Mountain. It changes everything, man.
When a huge blockbuster movie hits the cinemas, you can be sure of two things. One, spoiler crybabies will be out in full force, filling social media with their shit, and two, within a week there will be a ‘fan theory’ written by some loser who thinks that a minor element of the film offers a hidden meaning which changes the entire context of the movie.
Anyway, there's a big one after the jump for Brokeback Mountain. It changes everything, man.
Anyway, here it is...
The main characters are actually straight.
Moving swiftly on...
Spoiler alert: you’re watching a movie about superheroes / zombie apocalypses / animated pandas / giant robot cars shooting out cans of Mountain Dew (delete as appropriate) where most of the characters are played by attractive twenty year olds with their shirts off. Subtlety isn’t anywhere to be found on the moviemaker’s list of priorities. You think Hollywood gives a shit about subtlety? They will ram whatever nonsensical shit you’re currently lapping up down your throats without a second thought if it makes any sense or not. If a Transformers movie came out where everyone just sat around and scissored for two hours you can be sure people would see it regardless, which is why ‘fan theories’ irk me so much.
Spoiler alert: you’re watching a movie about superheroes / zombie apocalypses / animated pandas / giant robot cars shooting out cans of Mountain Dew (delete as appropriate) where most of the characters are played by attractive twenty year olds with their shirts off. Subtlety isn’t anywhere to be found on the moviemaker’s list of priorities. You think Hollywood gives a shit about subtlety? They will ram whatever nonsensical shit you’re currently lapping up down your throats without a second thought if it makes any sense or not. If a Transformers movie came out where everyone just sat around and scissored for two hours you can be sure people would see it regardless, which is why ‘fan theories’ irk me so much.
Most fan theories revolve around or encompass the following elements: the entire story takes place in a character’s head, a throwaway character is actually the mastermind behind the entire plot, all of the characters are dead and the world they inhabit is an afterlife, a certain character is actually a character from another film in a different form, the whole movie is an moon landing hoax explanation, the story takes place in a post-apocalyptic world, etc.
I have written fiction for websites and I’ve ghostwritten fiction for other people multiple times, but never once have I been asked to include a hidden narrative which turns the story into something completely different. I’d also never think of doing it in my own work, the reason being because it’s stupid as hell. What’s the point of spending a significant amount of time slaving over a work of art if the intended narrative is hidden in some bullshit throwaway scene, character or dialogue? In fact, not only is it stupid to consider such things, it’s insulting to the artist. When people point out minor nuances which could possibly lead to further storyline or plot avenues, they’re saying that the plot which is presented to them isn’t good enough. When some asshole on Reddit suggests that the Fast & Furious franchise is somehow related to the world of Dungeons and Dragons, what he’s really saying is that he isn’t satisfied with car chases, explosions, fist fighting and hot women getting banged, and there needs be an additional element offered somewhere in the franchise, and if it isn’t made obvious then this Reddit-dwelling dipshit is going to scrape the barrel searching for it.
Also, Fast and Furious is a franchise about car chases and shit getting blown up, it isn’t exactly a Kubrickian masterpiece, not to mention that blockbuster action films like the Fast and Furious series don’t need any type of complex plots to attract audiences, just having the words Fast and Furious in the title is enough to rake back their budget ten times over. Therefore, this makes the idea of fan theories even more stupid. What’s the point of going to extreme effort if an audience is guaranteed anyway? Especially to the extent of creating a whole underlining narrative which even the writers fully intend the majority of their viewers to never notice?
I get it: fan theories are fun. Most of them were never intended to be taken seriously or seen by a large audience. They can be a bit of fun to discuss with your friends. But here’s something more important than your stupid ideas: shut up. You’re not a screenwriter. Just appreciate the art for what it is - a film to make you forget about your stupid life for a few hours.
Fan theories blow. There is no hidden meaning to movies. They are designed to solely to make you part ways with your money, and when that can be achieved with a twenty-fourth James Bond film you can be sure that’s what they’ll release. All the characters are fully alive, it isn’t taking place in Bond’s head and you’re a twat for thinking it is.
And for clarification: the characters in Brokeback Mountain are gay as shit.
By Joe Turner
Joe is one of the many writers we have at Foul Entertainment, known for Plenty Of Catfish. He is a main stay on the voice cast for Disagreevances. He's also responsible for the artistic design in our games.
Joe is one of the many writers we have at Foul Entertainment, known for Plenty Of Catfish. He is a main stay on the voice cast for Disagreevances. He's also responsible for the artistic design in our games.