This guest article is a part of FoulENT's 30 Days of Stuff! Click here to read all 30 Days entries and be sure to come back every day in November for new stuff just like this!
I've spent a lot of time on this world. Between real life and the internet I estimate it is somewhere around 450 years I have been around. 450 years split into the last 46 years, it's ten lifetimes for the children of Africa, which brings me on to the first item on my list.
I've spent a lot of time on this world. Between real life and the internet I estimate it is somewhere around 450 years I have been around. 450 years split into the last 46 years, it's ten lifetimes for the children of Africa, which brings me on to the first item on my list.
Africa
Back in 1985 I was travelling around the world on a gap year. Joe wasn't talking to me at the time for some reason, probably not as enlightened as I am, so I legitimately had no friends in the world. The first place I landed was Africa. I don't know if you've ever been, but it's fucking massive! Full of deserts and shacks made out of sticks. I was looking for a Burger King to see if I could get some scran or at least a drink when I stumbled across a film crew filming this bloke talking to some kids. I could just tell by the way he carried himself he was a funeral director or accountant, something that was definitely not funny in any way, shape or form. He had all these bags of rice just sitting around doing nothing, so while he was digging a hole or something I knocked myself up a dirt and flies risotto, using the wooden handles from all the tools they had lying around to make a fire.
When he saw he went mental, he was even less funny than earlier and him and the tribe they were filming started chasing me, fortunately rice provides lots of slow release energy so I easily outpaced the skinny fuckers. I had to stow away on a boat to get out, I can't go back, they put a bounty on my head in 1987 after I sent them a doctors bill for the blisters I got running away from that angry mob.
When he saw he went mental, he was even less funny than earlier and him and the tribe they were filming started chasing me, fortunately rice provides lots of slow release energy so I easily outpaced the skinny fuckers. I had to stow away on a boat to get out, I can't go back, they put a bounty on my head in 1987 after I sent them a doctors bill for the blisters I got running away from that angry mob.
The Bloggers Halloween Party
I've been going to this for years. It's been the one thing I've looked forward to all year, I make one smart observation and they lose my invite in the post. It's just not fair!
The Library
I'd seen a lot of videos on those adult sites you all know about. My favourite at the moment is when the bird is on the library computers and gets her lills out and that. I know I sound a little bit like Jary saying things like that, but the difference between me and him is that he doesn't know about any of those sites because he is too busy actually shagging women. Either way I went down to Birmingham library, logged on to one of their computers, fired up the webcam and went right on down to wang city. Before you know it, a fat security guard was throwing me out and moaning about me "wiping your dirty dick on Great Expectations" as though I was going to pick a book further away or something.
This is just a small sample of the many places I'm banned from, I didn't even mention the time I created my own big beef melt in Subway.
By Frank King
@FrankFuckinKing
Frank is known for his outspoken opinions on everything and anything, as well as his next-level social network trolling. He is also the main coder for Foul ENT games and documents the progress of Foul Fantasy in his dev blogs.