That's where I come in. Now, I shower daily and have never eaten pizza more than 3 days old, so I am not as well versed in wrestling as he is, but I have watched it now and again. So without further ado, here is The Cunt's Wrestlemania preview!
The thing about Santana is, he has got such a gorgeous, rich guitar tone. He also puts on a mean hammer lock. The hammer lock is a move invented by Kampatimar Shankariya, but perfected by Tito Santana. However, The Executioner recently defeated Derek Bentley with a hammer lock reversal. So I am plumping for a Santana win. By Figure four leglock, in just under 5 minutes.
King Kong Bundy vs Special Delivery Jones
Personally I am not down with this match. I think it is an incredibly unfair match up. How can a man be expected to fight a gorilla? I predict a win for Bundy in less than 10 seconds.
Ricky Steamboat vs Matt Borne
Ricky Steamboat is kind of like a low rent version of Jimmy Snuka, except he started wrestling before him and he didn't have as much hair. And Roddy Piper never hit Steamboat over the head with a coconut. Anyway, my prediction a Steamboat win in 4 minutes.
David Sammartino vs Brutus Beefcake
David Sammartino is the archetypal 1960s tough guy. He has spent a lot of time drinking beers in order to get the kind of gut that if you breathe in just enough, it looks like a barrel chest. He has a wide array of attacking moves, like punches and elbows. Beefcake however is the polar opposite. He uses a wide range of technical moves, like headlocks and high flying moves, like flying elbows. I predict a wild brawl, where maybe there will be outside interference. A double DQ after 12 minutes.
Nikolai Volkoff and The Iron Sheik vs The U.S Express
This one is classic American propaganda. Still in in the throws of the Cold War, and definitely happy to indulge in casual racism, the wrestling world love to put a dodgy foreigner or two against a good old US of A homeboy. Now I am going to use a little bit of wrestling talk here so I will put it in quotes and give you an explanation to help you out. My prediction is that the “baddies” will win this one using a dirty trick of some sort after about 7 minutes. Now to explain what I mean by baddies, baddies are a wrestling term for foreigners.
Andre the Giant vs Big John Studd
Big John Studd is one of those really misleading names. The first time I heard about him, I thought he was going to be some kind of super shagger, like my mate Jary turns out he was a lot more like Uncle Tone. Anyway, him and Andre have a body slam match lined up for tomorrow. My theory is that they are both big fuckers. But Andre is a slightly bigger fucker. He will slam the shit out of the Studd, probably take him just over 5 minutes though.
Wendi Richter vs Leilani Kai
I don't know much about wrestling, but I know what I like and two women rolling around on the floor together is definitely something I like. However, when the two women look like a cross between an anus and a doughnut, I'm not quite as enamoured with it as you would think. My thinking is that with it being a big show, they will want to crown a new women's champion. Wendi Richter with the win in about 6 minutes.
Hulk Hogan and Mr T vs Roddy Piper and Paul Orndorff
With this being the main event, of the biggest fake sporting event in the world, I think they will go all out with this one. I expect Mr T to beat up some people. I expect Roddy Piper to cheat. Hogan will take a beating and Hulk up as well probably. He always does that stupid shit. I also expect the guest referee the one and only Muhammad Ali to spark out Roddy Piper at some point. He will probably hit him on the head with the Qur'an and that will lead to The Champ landing one on him. I predict a Hogan and Mr T win after 13 minutes.
And that is the end of my predictions for Wrestlemania this year. Let me know yours in the comments if you like. I expect this will lead to Hogan being somewhat of a crossover star too, he might even end up being in a sex tape or something one day. Like the girl out of Different Strokes.