I have heard a lot of people complaing about 2016. How it was such a bad year because 30 or so "inspirational" celebrities died. What none of your realise is that in real terms, 2016 wasn't that bad. I mean take 1916 for example. If you were 8 there was a good chance your Dad and all your brothers went off to war and were killed. Oh and your house was blown up too leaving your Mother with no legs and your sister having to suck off G.I's so that you could have a jacket potato with butter for your tea. Now tell me again how 2016 was so awful? Not only that, but 2017 is not going to be the year that changes your life either. Let me tell you why...
1. You're Still The Same
Every year you say "this is my year, no more time for losers, cutting out everyone who doesn't support me and doing it on my own!" followed by a fucking stupid emoticon or something. Every year you change nothing, except the size of your clothes. Which increase. Because you're a fat fucking mess. You will never achieve what you think you will because you're a pathetic loser trying to sell Younique make up to your idiot friends.
2. So Is Everyone You Know
If you were an idiot door mat last year, there's a good chance your friends, or so called friends are also aware of this. Nothing will change, they will still take advantage of you. You're forever doomed to hear "I swear I will get that £50 to you when I get paid on Friday." You won't get that £50, just like your kids won't get into university.
3. Your Job Won't Put Up With Your Shit
If you do take your new "bad ass attitude" or decide that "the bitch is back" to your workplace, there is a good chance they will fire you for being a cunt. The reason you didn't get a promotion or a raise last year isn't because you weren't straight talking enough, it's because you are expendable. If you're expendable the best thing you can do is keep your fat mouth shut.
4. Your Diet Will Last 3 Hours At Most
You could do with shedding a few pounds, hell we all could. You just don't have the will power to do it though. You've spent your whole life eating pizzas topped with burgers made from doughnuts. You are doomed to be obese forever. If you really truly want to lose weight then the best advice you could ever get is the last sentence from the previous paragraph.
5. People Always Leave Because You're An Insufferable Twat
Seriously, no-one cares that you think you're psychic. No-one cares that you sell aloe vera products for little to no profit. No-one cares about your kids achievements, only the funny shit they have done, and if they are anything like you that is fucking nothing. You're never going to move abroad, because you have no skills to make you valuable to any country except maybe Egypt. You're worthless and nothing is ever going to change that, not a resolution and not being stood up at the Brixton Nandos for the twelfth time in a month.
Join me in a years time, when I will tell you exactly the same things again, just worded slightly differently and more menacingly.
By Frank King
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Frank is known for his outspoken opinions on everything and anything, as well as his next-level social network trolling. He is also the main coder for Foul ENT games and documents the progress of Foul Fantasy in his dev blogs.