I don't know if you know, but I've done so much shagging in my life that everyone else in the world has done negative shagging. Don't blame me, that's how statistics work. Moving on the football season starts tomorrow apparently. I don't really know much about it, but I noticed it the other day advertised on a billboard. According to my mate Kenny Nuts he reckons they shag as much as me, we'll see about that.
So Kenny told me that Dwight Yorke is a legendary shagger. I disagree. I'm a legendary shagger. Dwight Yorke from what I can gather has just done a normal amount of shagging. He had a threesome with Mark Bosnich and filmed it. I did that five years before he did. He shagged Katie "Jordan" Price. So what? Who hasn't? You know what I have done that Dwight Yorke can never ever in his life do? Had a threesome with Dwight Yorke. For a footballer he's a 8/10 but compared to me he's a solid 0.1/100.
All I ever hear about is John Terry shagged his team mates ex missus. Well pull me up a fucking stool so I can hear more. Oh there isn't any more? I shagged John Terry's team mate's friend's missus. The team mate's friend was John Terry. John Terry shags one bird and everyone thinks he is on my level. The only thing John Terry is better than me at is being named John Terry. He's a 2/10 for a footballer, he doesn't even register on the dandruff in my pubes.
Ryan Giggs is more of a guy I can get on board with. He really knows how to shag. He shagged a Miss Wales for starters. I mean it's no Miss World, but for a footballer it's okay. He also shagged his brother's wife. My brother Ravid isn't married, I've still shagged every missus he has ever had though. Giggs is a 9/10 for a footballer, he's done well for himself considering his eyes are so close together and his chest looks like Suneeta from down the shop has just used it to collect her moustache shavings.
None of you sconners will have ever heard of Frank Worthington. I hadn't either, but to write this article I had to do some research. So I shagged Johann Cruyff's daughter Jordi to find out a few things about football. you know from an inside track. She told me that Frank was supposed to sign for Liverpool back in the days when it was expected of a woman to have loads of pubes, but he had high blood pressure from all the shagging he was doing. They told him to have a week in Spain to get it down a bit, so he went to Spain got pissed up and did loads of shagging. That almost registers as a 1/100 when compared to me, but it's a solid 9.5/10 for footballers.
Since writing this article I got in touch with George Best's family and they have agreed to put his middle name as 'second' on his gravestone out of respect to me. Also his son Callum has changed his surname to 'Shit' George is the final entry on this list for one reason and one reason only. He's the only one who has shagged as many Miss Worlds as I had when I had only shagged five Miss Worlds. He has still done an acceptable amount of shagging, statistically he has still only shagged one bird, but compared to everyone except me, he's still done pretty well.
So there we have it. The top five footballing shaggers, who are still nowhere near the same level of shagging that I am at. Who knows, one day maybe a footballer will manage to do as much shagging in his life as I do in a week, but until then they're all just virgins.
You can find all of our articles right here. Use the menus below to sort by date, author or series.