I always thought sport was bullshit. Ever since my high school P.E. days when I was made to play football against people who were better at it than I was, I've held an unnaturally high resentment for most forms of competitive physical activity. Don’t get me wrong, I can understand why loads of people enjoy it, and I am all for keeping in shape, but even with this outlook I still find it hard to be enthusiastic about it.
Note: Extreme Ironing isn't on this list for some reason, so I reckon Joe is talking shite - Mike
Luckily for people like me, being alive in 2015 means we aren't just limited to the run of the mill sports which existed in yesteryear. While football, cricket, and beating your spouse is still alive and well in today’s world, we’re also treated to some of the weirdest, most bizarre and downright pointless excuses for physical recreation.
I present to you: an alternative to sports.
I present to you: an alternative to sports.
#4 - Golf
Golf; the only sport I know of where most of the players can’t be arsed to even walk during it. Golf is a stupid sport played by fat idiots who want to be competitive but can’t do much else apart from slightly move their arms. Ask anyone to name a famous golf player and they’ll say Tiger Woods, a person known entirely for his golfing ability and not because the details of his infidelity scandals are the longest thing on his Wikipedia page. I struggled to include golf on this list because I personally don’t even think it classifies as a sport, as its most famous player burns more calories from shagging than he does anything else.
Image Credit: media.cleveland.com
Remember this when you're having fun; Three holes are better than a hole in one. - S. Panther, 2011
The alternative: pen spinning.
Image Credit: cartridgesave.co.uk
Pictured: fucking class
Check this crazy shit out. These are ordinary people with ordinary pieces of material making them do something insane. Well I say ordinary, the people in it are mostly Japanese. Pen spinning is a largely unknown sport in which the name says it all. Most of the tricks involved requirecomplex hand and finger dexterity and the tricks range from quite difficult to fucking impossible. It serves as an ideal substitute for golf because your hands look a lot cooler than holding a giant piece of overpriced metal and you don’t have to wear ridiculous clothes to participate.
And for the more risqué amongst you, why not apply the spinning aspect to other similarly-sized objects? I hear kitchen knives are a good place to start.
And for the more risqué amongst you, why not apply the spinning aspect to other similarly-sized objects? I hear kitchen knives are a good place to start.
#3 - Darts
From what I can gather, darts is a stupid sport played by fat people in pubs. That’s all I can gather. It is unwritten rule of darts to give yourself a ridiculous nickname and be as ugly as possible.
Image Credit: thetimes.co,uk
This one is called The Cunt... err, sorry, The Count. Same principle.
The alternative: cardistry.
Image Credit: thestudentroom.co.uk
Pictured: fucking class-er
If pen spinning is the Jaden Smith of the contact juggling world, then cardistry is the bad ass punchline-delivering action hero father. Check out this crazy fool doing things with a deck of cards which seem to defy the laws of physics. Unbelievable right? Yet these sort of people who have dedicated a lifetime of learning these incredibly complex routines earn precisely jack shit and yet darts players earn shitloads. I'm not begrudging talentless sportsmen by any means, I understand that more people want to watch darts than cardistry, I just struggle to understand why.
#2 - Chess/Boxing
Chess isn’t a sport, right? Wrong. It is apparently one hell of a bad ass sport, and if you think about it; it requires just as much mental preparation (if not a shitload more) than, say; boxing? In fairness, boxing is a pretty manly pasttime, and I definitely wouldn’t want to step into the ring with someone like Ricky Hatton.
Image Credit: dailymail.co.uk
Mainly because he's from Manchester
To my readers who enjoy the mental arithmetic of chess and the physical assertion of boxing, I would like to make you aware of...
the alternative; chess boxing.
Image Credit: echecspourtous.com
Pictured: not a fucking joke, apparantly
I know what you’re thinking, throwing two completely different things together doesn’t make it good. Infact, it usually makes it shit. Horror and comedy. Tim Burton and Johnny Depp. Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter. Tim Burton and Batman, etc. But it seems that chess boxing is actually really funny. The rules are quite straightforward, and it really is just an amalgamation of two completely different things being thrown together for no reason. And like Mike Tyson’s cock, chess boxing is becoming massive.
#1 - Football
For anyone reading this who doesn’t live in England, football is a religion in our country. It is a crime punishable by hanging to admit that you think it sucks, and even admitting that you don’t enjoy it can result in you being banished to a lesser country. Football divides and segregates like nothing else in the world, and you must proudly declare your allegiance to your chosen team whenever possible. Anyone whose allegiances lie elsewhere must be referred to as ‘the shit’ and if your team happens to lose a game, it’s because the ‘other team played well, to be fair’ and never because your team are wank.
Image Credit: content.izvestia.ru
Pictured: a totally acceptable reaction to a football game
The alternative: racially motivated murder
Image Credit: independent.co.uk
Ladies and gents, your star player!
Football appears to a sport so rife with racial abuse that it warrants its own Wikipedia page. This entry wasn’t scheduled to play it out like this (it was supposed to be dog surfing) but I found myself able to draw more parallels between football and ethnic cleansing than anything else. It’s not difficult to see the similarities between football fans and infamous hate groups. One of them is largely outspoken against its dislike of minorities and the other is the KKK.
I don’t want to go too deep into this, this is a comedy site after all. So I’ll leave you with the image I originally wanted to finish with:
I don’t want to go too deep into this, this is a comedy site after all. So I’ll leave you with the image I originally wanted to finish with:
Image Credit: puppytoob.com
‘The other dog surfed well, to be fair’
By Joe Turner
Joe is one of the many writers we have at Foul Entertainment and the author and deviser of Plenty Of Catfish. He is a main player on Disagreevances. He's also responsible for the bulk of the artistic design in our upcoming gaming department.
Joe is one of the many writers we have at Foul Entertainment and the author and deviser of Plenty Of Catfish. He is a main player on Disagreevances. He's also responsible for the bulk of the artistic design in our upcoming gaming department.