This article is a part of FoulENT's 30 Days of Stuff! Click here to read all 30 Days entries and be sure to come back every day in May for new stuff just like this!
Every year, the white people involved in bringing you your favourite movies gather together to pat each other on the back and celebrate how aesthetically pleasing they all are; That's The Oscars. Every year, the bitter assholes who have never made anything worth watching give out awards to people who are awful at acting and making films; That's The Razzies. What Hollywood doesn't do, is give awards to the biggest cunts in the film industry. That's where I come in. Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you, The Oscunts!
Every year, the white people involved in bringing you your favourite movies gather together to pat each other on the back and celebrate how aesthetically pleasing they all are; That's The Oscars. Every year, the bitter assholes who have never made anything worth watching give out awards to people who are awful at acting and making films; That's The Razzies. What Hollywood doesn't do, is give awards to the biggest cunts in the film industry. That's where I come in. Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you, The Oscunts!
Biggest Actor Cunt
This one was so hard to choose. There are so many massive cunts in Hollywood, it would be easier to say who is the least cuntlike (Keanu Reeves; awful actor, great person). I managed to whittle it down to two front runners of being a massive cunt. I was going to go with the old faithful of Russel Crowe. We all know he's a cast iron mentalist who thinks nothing of launching phones at people and attacking reporters.
I decided against it though, I went with a new front runner in cuntishness. Ladies and Gentlemen, I have proven I am better than the Oscar committee, I have embraced diversity, I have given the biggest actor cunt award to... Will Smith!
I decided against it though, I went with a new front runner in cuntishness. Ladies and Gentlemen, I have proven I am better than the Oscar committee, I have embraced diversity, I have given the biggest actor cunt award to... Will Smith!
Image Credit: thefilmco.org
Will Smith is a decent actor with an overinflated sense of entitlement and a skewed view of what matters. He talks about the lack of Oscar nominations for black people, when what he really means is lack of Oscar nominations for the Smith family. He talks about minority Oscar nominations as though they matter more than the actual injustices that minorities face every day. Will Smith talks about jobs in the entertainment industry for minorities, when he has used his standing in the entertainment industry to provide jobs for his talentless children, stopping people with actual talent from working. Will Smith is a cunt and he can go and fuck himself.
Biggest Actress Cunt
I know what you're expecting: Jada Pinkett-Smith. That's not what is going to happen though. Don't get me wrong, she's a cunt just like her husband, but she's not the biggest actress cunt. Oh no, that award goes to someone even more deluded and pretentious and shit than Fish Fucking Mooney! The biggest actress cunt award goes to... Gwyneth Paltrow!
Image Credit: mirror.co.uk
Paltrow gives her children ridiculous names. That's not a crime, my mate Tupenny Bill named his kid Penny Bill. It is, however, fucking stupid to subject children to that kind of thing. She says things about going to Paris to find restaurants that sell organic wine. She did an interview saying how she refused to have a personal chef for her family. Technically, she never lied about that because she has two personal chefs; One for sweets and one for savoury. To top it all off, she decided to make the switch to television. Just one tiny little drawback: she expects $1 million an episode and complete creative control. All of this adds up to Gwyneth winning the biggest actress cunt award, who knows maybe if she manages to convince someone to agree to her terms she might win a BAFuckingcunTA next year!
Biggest Cunt Of A Film
The other two entries on this list were easier than your mom after two drinks. I had a couple of people who possibly could have challenged, but in the end they went above and beyond the call of cuntiness. This one, however, was even easier. Like your mom after five drinks and a diamond necklace. So without further ado the biggest cunt of a film award goes to... Fucking Bastard Fucking Minions! The cunts.
Despicable Me and it's sequel were pretty sweet films for getting your kids to shut up. I didn't mind them being on in the background either. They were okay, as long as the kids were quiet while I was watching it. Minions however was a film made by cunts who wanted to milk the cash cow for all it was worth. Watching Minions is like having someone take the insides of your cock out and use them to make you a toad in the hole. Watching Minions is like having lots of annoying twats on your Facebook friends list who post Minion memes, except it is on your telly and your kids cry when you call the Minions cunts!
Join me next year for an updated Oscunts, when I will probably be attacking Bradley Cooper. That handsome cunt.
Join me next year for an updated Oscunts, when I will probably be attacking Bradley Cooper. That handsome cunt.
By The Cunt
Email The Cunt
A hidden face of the crew, The Cunt is main coder for Foul Entertainment games. He is currently documenting the progress of our game, Foul Fantasy, in his dev blogs.
Email The Cunt
A hidden face of the crew, The Cunt is main coder for Foul Entertainment games. He is currently documenting the progress of our game, Foul Fantasy, in his dev blogs.