I don't know if you are aware, but I'm a bit of a pseudo intellectual. I do a lot of skimming of high brow stuff, purely to make myself look clever for the women. Now, I know a lot of you think that science and sex are worlds apart, mainly because scienticians are all nerdy virgins, but trust me, I have developed a number of sciencical theories about sex and about why I get so much sex. If you're a sciencer you should probably stop reading now, I know you don't like shagging. But if you have a dick and want to use it, keep reading son!
Schrödinger's Pussy
Now, I have covered this before in a previous blog on our old site, but the basic gist of it is this: If I am in my bedroom, cheating on you with another girl, technically I am neither cheating or being faithful until you open the door. It is the perfect foil, and a fantastic way to attribute blame to someone else. Since I wrote that blog I skimmed another Wikipedia article about 'Quantum Entanglement' (Not to be confused with Quantum of Solace; that's when I say I want to be alone for a bit, then go out and shag your sister). From what I can gather, Quantum Entanglement is when you have a system to get yourself entangled with at least one bird. You then count as one person, so technically it isn't cheating!
Image Credit: funnyjunk.com
Pictured: Not the pussy I think Jary was on about - Mike
If you pick up a really ugly bird, then it has a different set of rules, this is called entering a 'Quantum State'. Einstein was known to use the Quantum Entanglement system quite often; it was this system that he used to get Marilyn Monroe to suck him off. He also confused her into thinking he could shag for ages with some shit about time all being relative and because he had moved at light speed technically they were still shagging.
The Blartesian Co-ordinate System
Right, this one is complex, so stick with me. I discovered this when I was reading all about maths and shit on Wiki. When you're in a club, you are obviously smashed. It becomes hard to walk straight. It's hard to find the blart. This is where a slice of genius from a young Frenchman, Jean Pierre, comes in.
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This is how you pussies will probably look, but bear with me. There is hope for you freaks.
When you are leathered, you need to find something perpendicular to the floor to hold on to so you can see straight. This is when you go over to the back wall of the club. There's a shit ton of low hanging fruit there, and they love shagging. That's when you take them back to meet your organ, or if you're lucky you can get her to indulge in some anal geometry. Blartesian coordinates are, by the way, the foundation of all anal geometry.
The Teste Polygamy System
This one is scientific fact. If you are born with testes. You are incapable of being involved in monogamy. You need more than one sexual partner. I first found out about this after I watched The Prestige and looked up Nikola Tesla. The way I understand it is that the testicles are sensitive objects; they cannot survive on just exposure to dominant cunt, or DC. They need regular alternating cunt, or AC, in order to keep producing enough sperm for a man to do all of the shagging he has to.
Image Credit: acdcfans.net
Pictured: Bloke suffering from too much DC and not enough AC.
So, when a man sees a new bird when he is out or visiting his Grandmother at the care home, or even eating a box of 20 chicken nuggets in your car outside Matalan, this system devised by Nicholas Festa (or something) makes sure your copper egg stands right to attention. If you stick to DC your pills stop working and you end up getting a sex change. Like Chaz Bono, Bono's son.
The Shellfish Jeans
Professor Steven Dawkins wrote a very famous book, It's About Time. In this book, he outlined a phenomenon confined to women known as the shellfish jeans. It's a euphemism for how to get into a womens pants. Because the minge smells like shellfish, or if you're unlucky, battery acid. Anyway, in his book, Richard Dawking talks about how the only way men can get into these shellfish jeans is if they have developed the selfish gene, which is a gene that only men have which makes us prioritise the most important things. Like ourselves. And sex. And ourselves getting sex.
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For those about to shag, we salute you.
The reason for this is because women pretend they like things like a sense of humour and being nice, but really what they like is a selfish cunt who is definitely going to finger their nan at Christmas and use that finger to mix the stuffing.
Until next time box stuffers, I will either be answering your letters or slamming your Mom. Or answering letters about slamming your mom.
Until next time box stuffers, I will either be answering your letters or slamming your Mom. Or answering letters about slamming your mom.
By Jary
Tweet at Jary
Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.
Tweet at Jary
Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.