I have been watching the news this week instead of reading your letters. I know that doesn't help you virgin losers much, but I had a week off from shagging. Well, I only shagged one bird a day, but that counts as a week off for me. I say one bird a day, one different bird. It still counts as a week off though. Anyway, here is my quick capsule review of the weeks news stories and that.
The Ugliest Woman In The World
The BBC ran a story about a woman who had been called the ugliest woman in the world. Now when I read this I felt a knot in the pit of my stomach. For starters I was expecting to see a picture of Chlamydia Lydia, my ex. I was pleasantly surprised when I read the story and it turned out she was probably a 3 or 4. I have shagged much much worse than her, without drinking as well.
Image Credit: bbc.co.uk
It turns out anyway that this bird is proper sound, she might not be as fit as say Susan Boyle, but she is deffo as sound as Sara Cox or Lorena Bobbit. The reason I tend to be a connoisseur in shagging ugly women is for one simple reason. They try way fucking harder. If you can hit the holy grail and lamp one into an ugly, fat and crazy woman you are guaranteed the shag of your life. I nailed a fat, ugly nutter once. It was like shagging a landmine, inside a kangaroos pouch on a trampoline in a helicopter. It was fucking awesome.
He Hit Him With A Surprise Left
A lot has been made of Jeremy Clarkson and his sparking out of a producer. Here's what I don't get; Clarkson is an old fella, bit of a xenophobe, possibly a bit racist and a lot of a twat. He is missing out on his massive shagging potential here. He could be doing a lot more than he does. I mean come on, this is a bloke who is an actual real life embodiment of Roger Mellie, he could be laying more pipe than Severn Trent!
Image Credit: conversationsabouther.net
To be serious for once, what I really don't get is how his very much justified sacking created such a successful petition and things like this, get such a lukewarm response. That is why I stay out of public affairs and I just do as much shagging as I can.
Foxy Lady
Amanda Knox is a name from the past. In 2005, I went out to Seattle on a shagging holiday. Now in case you are too stupid to realise what a shagging holiday is, a shagging holiday is when you go on holiday and do plenty of shagging. Simple as fuck. Anyway, I went off to Seattle and there I met a bird named Mandy. She had got one of the three proper-shag-guarantee qualities: She was mental. If she had been fat and ugly as well it would have been dynamite, because she was a special kind of crazy. For starters she used dynamite. Fucking dynamite!
Image Credit: theguardian.com
It turns out her name was Mandy Kounse, but for a short week in 2008 I was convinced I had smashed Amanda Knox. I was gutted, but then I found out she had been found not guilty of that terrible crime, so I am saving up the money that women pay me for shagging and in a week or so I will be off to Seattle again to see if I can fulfil that particular dream.
Until next time when I will be debunking scientifically proven theories, or answering your stupid questions, or turning every news story into one about me and my cock.
Until next time when I will be debunking scientifically proven theories, or answering your stupid questions, or turning every news story into one about me and my cock.
By Jary
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Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.
Tweet at Jary
Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.