As the most prominent shagger on the planet, I often find myself having to rest for a few hours in strange places. There are a few times when I have even ended up in the realm of hipsters. You know the type of place I am talking about, they charge £19 for a bowl of cereal you have never heard of.
Like frosted soy grain or nut butter toffee flakes. Anyway, in these places you find a lot of cunts in jeans eight sizes too small for 9 year old girls. Hipsters they call themselves, and to coin a phrase that I originally coined, they cannot fucking shag.
Like frosted soy grain or nut butter toffee flakes. Anyway, in these places you find a lot of cunts in jeans eight sizes too small for 9 year old girls. Hipsters they call themselves, and to coin a phrase that I originally coined, they cannot fucking shag.
They spend all of their time talking about how they are doing all of this obscure shit. How they liked the dancing freeloaders before anyone else did and other nonsensical sentences. So here I am, to show those ridiculous ginger beard wearing not-shaggers something that I have been in before they have heard of it. Women!
1. An Actual Woman
I know what you're thinking. “I know what women are.” Yeah, sure you do. Like your Mom, who by the way I know too, but that's not what I mean. I'm talking about an actual woman, with a fanny and some tits, who is going to let you shag her. I can see it now, hipsters everywhere shutting the fuck up as soon as they read the words “who is going to let you shag her” you're never going to get laid you stupid homunculus, because you're a self important cunt.
Image Credit: mrmedia.com
"No sex for you, hipsters!"
2. A Man.
“I know what a man is!” I hear you cry, typical hipsters. What you should be saying is, a man isn't a woman! And that is where you're wrong, real blokes like me will soldier through as long as the bloke is really fit. Like those ladyboys in Thailand. First time I went, I just thought they all loved anal, second time I went I worked out that they were blokes. Third time I went, I contracted syphilis so I started using condoms. Well, I didn't, but I stopped bumming ladyboys. Well I didn't, but I did get some anti-biotics for my syphilis. Well I didn't...
3. Dancers
I watched that Strictly Come Dancing a few years ago. I didn't know what come dancing was, and it turns out it is shit. But the birds on it, fuck me I tugged myself blind, had cataract surgery and went out and pulled me a dancer. Now there is one good reason that hipsters don't know what dancers are, and that is because they never actually listen to music. They just talk about it. So they don't know what it's actually for, which leads me onto
4. Musicians
There are two types of instruments women play, guitars badly and shit ones. Hipsters don't know what musical instruments are because they just think music turns up on iTunes and they download it. To their iPad probably, so they can show all their cunt friends that they have the latest track by “shit laden chinos”
Now I used to shag a bird in a band, well I was in a band and she used to come to the gigs. I didn't actually play anything, I just used to go there and shag groupies. I pulled a bird at an Anthrax gig once, lights came up, I got a good look at her and I ran like fuck!
Hipsters though, they think a band is something they wear around their head when they pretend to play tennis. They've never shagged a bird. Especially not a bird in a band.
Now I used to shag a bird in a band, well I was in a band and she used to come to the gigs. I didn't actually play anything, I just used to go there and shag groupies. I pulled a bird at an Anthrax gig once, lights came up, I got a good look at her and I ran like fuck!
Hipsters though, they think a band is something they wear around their head when they pretend to play tennis. They've never shagged a bird. Especially not a bird in a band.
Image Credit: streetroots.org
I shagged one of these birds, I think.
5. Hipsters
Have you ever seen a hipster woman? No, of course you haven't. Do you know why? Because they are all too busy getting mad rutty with blokes like me, instead of hanging around at music shops buying a vinyl of Take Five by Dave Brubeck "ironically" and then posting it to Instagram. That is why hipster blokes think there are no women out there for them, because there aren't. Even hipster women, the kind of woman who genuinely likes paying an extra £17 quid for a latte because it was grown by an albino, would still rather get 127 cubic centimetres of cock from me than talk to her insufferable soul mate.
So there you have it, hipsters can't get laid, I can. If that doesn't prove my point then nothing will. Although to be honest, I don't know what my point was. I think it was that I am better at shagging than hipsters.
By Jary
@JaryFoulFantasy
Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.