I've spent a lot of time hating people. I honestly cannot remember a day going by without me spitting venomous bile at somebody, for something. People are really shit. I can't stress that point strongly enough.
There are however five kinds of people who are just that much shitter than everyone else, and they deserve a special kind of hatred.
There are however five kinds of people who are just that much shitter than everyone else, and they deserve a special kind of hatred.
5. The Wannabe Celebrity
These fuckers spend all of their time either in the gym or out on the piss. There is only one reason that they try so fervently to ruin all that hard work in the gym by going out on the lash all the time, and that is so that they can get picked up for the latest series of 'Walsall The Fuss About?' or whatever minor shit heap town is getting a television program made about it now. This scourge of our world bothers me so much it is unreal. As someone who is actively attempting to get a sitcom off the ground (You heard it here first fuckfaces, FoulENT are going to be throwing a sitcom at you!) the fact that these losers clog up so much air time, by literally just shagging, fighting and swearing is particularly galling.
Image Credit: dailymail.co.uk
What is more annoying is how they will turn into their television persona as soon as a camera comes near you. The epitome of this type of bellend is Ryan Ruckledge: If he isn't tweeting the Lad Bible (-spit-) and the Daily Star, he is so far up whichever reality TV “star” he can find, just begging for a television slot, or sometimes just making a cunt of himself on X-Factor. And to drag X-Factor down even further than it already does of it's own accord takes some doing. This little stain on society thinks the media owes him something. They all do. Instead of actually creating something, or being good at something, they all want it given to them. Fuck you, you cunts.
4. Question Avoiders
Have you ever seen a politician in action? Those guys seriously know how to avoid a question. They do not like to answer a question straight. Tony Blair is a master of this. I saw a news piece recently, about the 7/7 bombings. The journalist was asking good old Tone (No relation) if, in hindsight, the illegal war on Iran and Iraq may have influenced the terrorists in the areas, and if it was a bad idea. Tony went off on one, saying that nothing justifies those attacks on innocent people. Now, he is correct, but before we address the point I am getting at, let's just see something shall we. According to our generally quite reliable these days friend, Wikipedia, the Iraqi civilian fatalities during the second Gulf war was 7629, so maybe you should think about that before you spout off about killing innocents you dead eyed fucking murderer.
Image Credit: telegraph.co.uk
Anyway, back to my point. While Tony is correct that nothing justifies the attack on London on 7/7, the journalist didn't ask that. He asked if maybe, just maybe, it was a bad idea to invade a country with no real justification to do so. That maybe doing that would incite a little bit of hatred towards all those innocent people who were hurt and killed in London. That maybe, Tony fucking Blair, you have blood on your hands and you should take some responsibility for the people you both directly and indirectly caused to be killed! But no, instead you act all pious as though the guy is a terrorist sympathiser and then fuck off back to your peace ambassador job. You fucking cunt. Yeah, question avoiders are the fucking worst. Fuck them.
3. The Overly Offended Moaner
You know what it's like, you've just finished your very best joke about fitting people into a mini in the pub. You and your mates are all laughing, you know it's a sick joke. You wouldn't tell it at work, unless you were Frankie Boyle doing his Jerry Sadowitz impression. Some whining bitch who has got her children in the pub with her at 10:30 PM screams that she is offended by that joke. Well sweetheart, I'm offended by you wearing that shirt which is quite obviously three sizes too small for your gelatinous carcass, but you don't hear me bellowing into your face like a ridiculous shrieking harridan do you? Everyone is offended by everything nowadays, be it Russell Brand being misquoted for a headline or Jeremy Kyle being everything that is wrong with the world and thinking he has some kind of moral high ground. I mean have you ever seen that odious fucking cunt on the telly?
Image Credit: theguardian.com
He literally spends his time being overly offended by people and their actions. I genuinely hope he wakes up one morning and looks at his slimy, almost reptilian features in the mirror. The tears unable to appear in his stone tear ducts. His piles of money that he made from exploiting the problems of the least well off of society, sitting on his bed, like an unsatisfied mistress next to his actual unsatisfied mistress. At that moment in time, I hope he realises that the biggest, most pathetic, evil, loser ever to appear on his travesty of a television show, is him. Jeremy fucking Kyle.
2. Pseudo-Intellectuals
You know when you're sitting around with your friends, talking about stuff. Important stuff like, who can fart the alphabet the best and whose dick is big enough to actually kill someone (Turns out it's Jary's. He once warned a girl that if she died after sex, it was her own fault). And yet, there is always one twat who tries to show you just how clever he is. First, it starts by telling you how it is actually the impurities in the glass that cause hangovers, not the monumental amounts of poison you've been drinking. Then, he is talking about how he prefers Goethe's Faust to Marlowe's, or how he finds how Dostoyevsky portrays women as 'whores with hearts of gold' sexist in a modern context. Then, he starts taking heroin and tries his hand at stand up, has a failed UK Play TV show, starts using ten long words when three shorts ones would do and reinvents himself as a man of people even though he is a fucking millionaire and this “Trews” bollocks is most likely just another way to bring in the money... fuck it, Russell Brand. I'm talking about Russell Brand, the hairy cunt.
Image Credit: bucf.co.uk
Russell Brand does make some good points now and then, in between his badly thought out chest beating rhetoric, unfortunately he hides most of them behind his ridiculous sesquipedalian (I had to look that up, I'm not ashamed to admit it.) nature. In case you're wondering, it means you use long words when you don't fucking need to.
1. The One-Upper
I once knew a bloke who no matter what you had done, he always had to go one better. You could have had a new shed, he had got two and they were both bigger than yours. You could have got a 12 inch dick, but his dick was so big it had got it's own dick that dick was 13 inches! Been to Tenerife? He went to Elevenerife. It really used to get to me, everything anyone in the pub had done, he always had to chuck out some bollocks to top it. I was really tempted to donate a kidney in the hope that he would go one better, but that would have cut my drinking in half and who the fuck drinks a bottle and a half of Jack? If you're so insecure in your life that you have got to try to top people who are just discussing things, maybe you need to spend some of that excess money you have on a fucking counsellor. I don't care that you have two sets of eyelids, that just makes you a mutant (Or if you go on Tumblr, it makes you Camelkin or some other such ridiculous shit). What I care about is you fucking off and leaving me alone.
Image Credit: telegraph.co.uk
People like this are the pub equivalent of Piers Morgan; They have no real clue, no life skills and no ability to actually do anything, but somehow they have came into money and they fucking waste it on material possessions, which they think makes them superior. Well it doesn't, Piers. It makes you a bragging cunt with no friends, a stupid fucking name and nothing worth bragging about except lots of followers on Twitter. Which isn't even worth bragging about, Jary has over a thousand and all he ever seems to do is talk about his genitals. Maybe you should take a leaf out of Lord Lucan's book, and fuck right off.
There you have it. The five worst kinds of people. I actually changed my mind quite a few times while writing it, there are people worse than these. Like people who are in ridiculous shape moaning when the gym is full in January. You don't hear me moaning when you use my pub in December, you cunts! Fuck them, and Subway workers too. I want my sandwich made without tasteless processed meat please. Oh, you can't do that? Fuck you!
There you have it. The five worst kinds of people. I actually changed my mind quite a few times while writing it, there are people worse than these. Like people who are in ridiculous shape moaning when the gym is full in January. You don't hear me moaning when you use my pub in December, you cunts! Fuck them, and Subway workers too. I want my sandwich made without tasteless processed meat please. Oh, you can't do that? Fuck you!
By The Cunt
Email The Cunt
A hidden face of the crew, The Cunt is main coder for Foul Entertainment games. He is currently documenting the progress of our game, Foul Fantasy, in his dev blogs.
Email The Cunt
A hidden face of the crew, The Cunt is main coder for Foul Entertainment games. He is currently documenting the progress of our game, Foul Fantasy, in his dev blogs.