We've all got friends (presumably). We all know deeply uninteresting people we've found ourselves in the unfortunate situation of being friends with. You've probably met someone at some form of social function who is so totally devoid of a personality and you’d really like to just turn 360 degrees and moonwalk away from that conversation, but social laws say that’s rude and you’re forced to endure painful second after painful second of their sanity shattering voice. That’s how I feel about the trailer for the Fantastic Four reboot that landed yesterday. I know that it will be the big story this week and therefore I have to comment on it, but Jesus Christ, I really don’t want to.
I love comic book movies, they’re my life blood at the box office and have been since the early 2000’s. But I’ve never had to drag myself through one. So, why am I deeply worried that I’ll be dragging myself through Fox’s latest effort? To find out, and watch the new trailer, read on.
In case you haven’t already, have a watch of the trailer.
Let’s establish something straight away; Superheroes are big business. This isn't a trend that’s likely to peter out any time soon, and has been a long time coming to hit the mainstream in cinema. And right now, they make serious money. That means they’re here to stay. The new trend set by Marvel of having interconnected continuities between a number of different character franchises is becoming the norm for a new generation of movie-goers, which is awesome. We’re demanding more from our entertainers, we’re asking for effort from our film-makers; the blockbuster action movies are held to incredibly lofty standards set by its fans and its forcing studios to go all guns blazing. This is the best possible situation for anyone who loves these characters.
Even Arnie know that's cool!
Did you really need to guess who I was talking about?
However, for every Marvel Studios, sadly there is a 20th Century Fox. Marvel, having fully embraced the often silly nature of their heroes have managed to displayed their heroes as they once were on the page with a dignified mix of po-faced confidence and a tongue-in-cheek ‘We’re all in on the joke’ attitude. And the movie-going public have responded so positively that Marvel have managed to make a financially successful film about a tree and a raccoon buddying up with ex-cons to stop a jacked blue man from hammering a planet to death using the power of purple. Look it up.
Fox, however, have never been able to get this shit right. When everyone was following in the footsteps of Batman Begins and The Dark Knight in the mid-2000’s, Fox decided to shit out the original Fantastic Four movie in 2005, starring Jessica ‘How much of you is Latino anyway?’ Alba and the once and future Captain America, Chris Evans. Whilst the first outing was indeed a financial success, needless to say the goofy comic book tone did not go down well. Even if you ignore the sub-par writing, it was undoubtedly the tone that made a failure out of Fox’s plans to spawn multiple sequels off the back of the original FF. So much so that the film holds a very low approval rating online, as well as picking up multiple Razzie nominations after its release. Much the same can be said of the sequel in 2007. Of course, a year later, Marvel Studios started the Marvel Cinematic Universe and the rest is history.
Lost to the annuls of history... thankfully.
YES, OKAY, THERE ARE SOME NOTABLE EXCEPTIONS.
For the few people out there that weren’t aware, there are properties that Marvel are not allowed to make movies of in their own continuity. Spider-Man, The X-Men, Namor The Submariner and, of course, The Fantastic Four and respective characters are completely off limits unless the movie is made under the banner of their respective studios.
The archaic death-grip that these studios doesn't look like it’s going to continue much longer, either. Sony shat the bed pretty hard with The Amazing Spider-Man 2, which only became more soiled after their leaks, and it’s all but a certainty that eventually, Sony will have to hand Spider-Man back to Marvel. Universal own Namor, but Marvel haven’t got any plans for a journey to Atlantis yet. So the only giant left standing is Fox. With the X-Men franchise on the mend after Days of Future Past, and with Gambit and Deadpool movies in development, Fox have taken at least some steps in the right direction.
And if this turns out to suck, there really is no hope for any of us.
Which brings us to the Fantastic Four trailer. And it only took 5 paragraphs. Okay, I’ll level with you; this trailer is bland. Generic. Run of the mill. Ordinary. Unimpressive. Standard. Cookie cutter. Normal. Much like the proposed plot of the reboot, it’s opening a portal to a new dimension of vanilla. See what I was saying about the boring acquaintance earlier? That’s what this trailer is.
"Who want's to hear a fun story about quantum mechanics?"
In fact, here’s how I’d imagine a conversation with this movie going:
In Conversation: Fantastic Four (2015)
“Hey there, I'm a new Fantastic Four movie and I've got quite a lot of different stuff going on that is really rather interesting!”
“Oh, hey there new Fantastic Four! Or is that Fant-Four-Stick? I can’t tell, due to your horrible fucking typeface”
“Yes, we've really gone edgy to distinguish ourselves from the other movies. As you can see, the old logo was round where as ours is square.”
“…Is that it?”
“Well, get this. Instead of your boring old solar flare origin story, we have the Fantastic Four travel to a new dimension to get their powers!”
“Okay. How?”
“I’m Sorry”
“How? How do they get powers?”
“Well, you see, they travel to another dimension.”
“…”
“…Is something wrong?”
“No. Never mind. Where’s Doctor Doom?”
“Funny you should ask. We thought that Doctor Doom was a bit too cartoon-y. Instead, our Doom is the alias of a computer hacker called Victor Domashev. He is a product of the human condition. Very grounded, very real.”
“Uh-huh. I mean, Marvel had Loki and he was fun and charismatic… No matter. How does your film look?”
“Well, we noticed that superhero suits are very iconic and popular, but they aren't real, so we got rid of them.”
In Conversation: Fantastic Four (2015)
“Hey there, I'm a new Fantastic Four movie and I've got quite a lot of different stuff going on that is really rather interesting!”
“Oh, hey there new Fantastic Four! Or is that Fant-Four-Stick? I can’t tell, due to your horrible fucking typeface”
“Yes, we've really gone edgy to distinguish ourselves from the other movies. As you can see, the old logo was round where as ours is square.”
“…Is that it?”
“Well, get this. Instead of your boring old solar flare origin story, we have the Fantastic Four travel to a new dimension to get their powers!”
“Okay. How?”
“I’m Sorry”
“How? How do they get powers?”
“Well, you see, they travel to another dimension.”
“…”
“…Is something wrong?”
“No. Never mind. Where’s Doctor Doom?”
“Funny you should ask. We thought that Doctor Doom was a bit too cartoon-y. Instead, our Doom is the alias of a computer hacker called Victor Domashev. He is a product of the human condition. Very grounded, very real.”
“Uh-huh. I mean, Marvel had Loki and he was fun and charismatic… No matter. How does your film look?”
“Well, we noticed that superhero suits are very iconic and popular, but they aren't real, so we got rid of them.”
I hope to Christ he's punching the costume designer.
“…Excuse me?”
“The Fantastic Four are very real, very gritty scientists. Scientists do not wear spandex.”
“…They’re called the FANTASTIC four”
“They are fantastically gifted, that much is for sure.”
“One of them can bend a shit ton and the other one is literally a living rock. And you want to make that realistic?”
“We found that audiences loved the grounded approach that our director Josh Trank took with Chronicle…”
“True, that was a great movie made on a budget about original characters in the real world. I get it.”
“So, we asked him to make that movie again, but this time with scientists.”
“You really don’t understand today’s box office do you?”
“We understand that people really love gritty reboots.”
“They really don’t. People are learning to have fun with their movies. It turns out you can have an engaging narrative in a story you aren't meant to take 100% seriously. It’s called a suspension of disbelief.”
“We think we've created heroes you can take seriously. They are cursed with powers from another dimension that holds the answers to the real questions of our world.”
“You didn't even read a single F4 comic book, did you?”
“We just really like Interstellar...”
“Okay, you get one more chance. What are your battle scenes like?”
“Well, our heroes mentally and emotionally battle with how to live with their new conditions and what it means to be—“
“I’m out”
“The Fantastic Four are very real, very gritty scientists. Scientists do not wear spandex.”
“…They’re called the FANTASTIC four”
“They are fantastically gifted, that much is for sure.”
“One of them can bend a shit ton and the other one is literally a living rock. And you want to make that realistic?”
“We found that audiences loved the grounded approach that our director Josh Trank took with Chronicle…”
“True, that was a great movie made on a budget about original characters in the real world. I get it.”
“So, we asked him to make that movie again, but this time with scientists.”
“You really don’t understand today’s box office do you?”
“We understand that people really love gritty reboots.”
“They really don’t. People are learning to have fun with their movies. It turns out you can have an engaging narrative in a story you aren't meant to take 100% seriously. It’s called a suspension of disbelief.”
“We think we've created heroes you can take seriously. They are cursed with powers from another dimension that holds the answers to the real questions of our world.”
“You didn't even read a single F4 comic book, did you?”
“We just really like Interstellar...”
“Okay, you get one more chance. What are your battle scenes like?”
“Well, our heroes mentally and emotionally battle with how to live with their new conditions and what it means to be—“
“I’m out”
" Nope. Fuck this. Flame on. Maybe I can burn my way out of the film"
That was convoluted, but necessary. This movie feels tedious yet overly familiar, and I fear it’s going to make the reverse mistakes of its predecessors while reaping very similar outcomes.
To clarify, I'm not saying this movie will suck. In the universe of infinite probabilities, this movie could be the greatest thing ever to grace the planet since Nutella. What is more likely is that it’s a gritty reboot for gritty reboots sake. It’s darker, yes, but it’s opening any new doors to aspects of these characters we didn't already know. The only doors that seem to be being held open are the ones to Marvel Studios, where the characters will eventually go to be retold once more. The next time, hopefully, with a sense of goddamn humour.
To clarify, I'm not saying this movie will suck. In the universe of infinite probabilities, this movie could be the greatest thing ever to grace the planet since Nutella. What is more likely is that it’s a gritty reboot for gritty reboots sake. It’s darker, yes, but it’s opening any new doors to aspects of these characters we didn't already know. The only doors that seem to be being held open are the ones to Marvel Studios, where the characters will eventually go to be retold once more. The next time, hopefully, with a sense of goddamn humour.
By Mike Owen
@ThatMikeOwen
The Editor in Chief of Foul Entertainment, Mike edits most of what you see on the site. He runs the production of all three of our current podcasts, he is responsible for logo, art design and site design, and does a good deal of writing across the spectrum.
@ThatMikeOwen
The Editor in Chief of Foul Entertainment, Mike edits most of what you see on the site. He runs the production of all three of our current podcasts, he is responsible for logo, art design and site design, and does a good deal of writing across the spectrum.