I've spent the majority of my working life doing menial tasks in shitty offices for incredibly uninteresting companies. Steel, paper, waste disposal, kitchen appliances, fasteners, car cleaning materials, bird medication, used car showrooms and supermarket bag distribution are about half of the industries I've worked in at some point. It will come as no surprise that my motivation to work in these places was primarily financial as opposed to a love of just doing things to pass the time. During this period I was in my late teens and early twenties when all I wanted to do was play music in bands and kill dragons on World of Warcraft and the idea of a career was an alien prospect. I came across similarly-minded people throughout these jobs, which served only to reinforce my contempt for such a lifestyle.
However, while I was working at a place which sold kitchen appliances as a front for running illegal porn websites (not a joke) I became friends a lovely, middle aged man with a wife and three children. We’ll call this man Jeff, because that happens to be his real name. Jeff was incredibly happy with his life, it seemed. He was financially capable enough to be able to work a low paying job and still support his family, and didn't rely on any form of benefits. On the surface, Jeff appeared to be a likeable, well-rounded gentleman. One day, Jeff surprised me by outright confessing that he regularly cheats on his wife with multiple women, after letting it slip that he loves "...putting a thumb down the poo pipe, but never with the wife". I questioned his motives for such infidelity, of course, but Jeff was adamant that he loved doing it and would continue to do it for the remainder of his marriage. The company we worked at soon went into administration so me and everyone else went our separate ways.
Cut to seven years later, and here I sit with a message from the very same Jeff in my inbox. But it’s not me he’s messaging, it’s a girl on Plenty of Fish named Laura who just happens to also be me. I can’t deny that I feel a smug satisfaction at the possibilities which have opened up, and I'm kind of reminded of the scene in Goldeneye when Sean Bean reveals himself to be the Janus Syndicate leader to Pierce Brosnan, mostly because it’s an awesome scene and nothing to do with what I'm talking about.
Our conversation went back and forth with him being reluctant to say anything which could condemn him further, and me using vague analogies in order to convince him I was on his wavelength. Surprisingly, it didn’t work. But I did notice something; Jeff hadn’t been online for nearly a week. There were two reasons for this: either he was hiding low because he was scared I knew too much, or he’d blocked me. I took the last course of action before admitting defeat.
Come the next evening, I found this in my inbox:
On next week’s Plenty of Catfish: No more of this emotional garbage. I'm going balls out wind-up on a guy who wants to poke a tranny. Until next time!
Joe is one of the many writers we have at Foul Entertainment and the author and deviser of Plenty Of Catfish. He is a main stay on the voice cast for Foul Fiction. He's also responsible for the bulk of the artistic design in our upcoming gaming department.