This article is kind of a change of pace for us, but this shit is serious. Two of our writers have combined to write about the hidden pyramid schemes plaguing our society today. You might know about or buy into these products. We're here to blow them wide open.
This is what they don't tell you: This is the bullshit behind these shady businesses.
This is what they don't tell you: This is the bullshit behind these shady businesses.
|
The Cunt:
|
Lots of things get my spunk bubbling. The current semen stove is most certainly the various multi level marketing companies that are around, including but not limited to: Avon, Forever Living, Mary Kay, Herbalife and Kleeneeze. Those are just a few off the top of my head, a quick google throws up a nice list for you. Being an above average intelligence kind of fella, I have never fallen into the trap of being involved in this kind of shit. A girl I used to shag years ago was involved with Avon for a while, until I pointed out to her that it was costing her £5 a week to sell this stuff to people. And that didn't include her petrol costs to drive around everywhere. Of all of the Multi-level marketing companies, I have the least issue with Avon. At least they sell their shit at a reasonable cost, not at 3 or 4 times its retail value, and at least it is possible to make money from them without introducing new sellers.
No, the company I currently hate the most, the ones that incite me to let down the tyres of the paraplegic man trying to sell me a first pressing of aloe vera gel on the premise it will "definitely cure cancer” (If it's that fucking magical why are you still wheeling around everywhere, Ironside?), the focal point of every single last drop of skin blisteringly hot jitler is Forever Living Products.
No, the company I currently hate the most, the ones that incite me to let down the tyres of the paraplegic man trying to sell me a first pressing of aloe vera gel on the premise it will "definitely cure cancer” (If it's that fucking magical why are you still wheeling around everywhere, Ironside?), the focal point of every single last drop of skin blisteringly hot jitler is Forever Living Products.
Image Credit: quickmeme.com
It's not even their sketchy business practices that piss me off the most. It's the unflinching acceptance, or apparent acceptance of what they say by their flunkies to hawk the products. You only have to do a quick Facebook search to see an almost unending list of seemingly religious zealots swearing their undying devotion to Forever Living and Aloe fucking Vera. There is a woman on my Facebook, who I have now blocked for being a twat, who spent all of her time banging on about this shit. Every day she would be blathering on about how she had made 2 grand this month and how she had a phone conference (Surely just a phone call?) with a potential recruit where they had planned to make 3 grand a month for her. If only it was that easy; I will just plan to make 4 trillion quid this month and then retire to my island shall I? I'm not doubting she made that much money, but the reason she made it is because every new recruit she gets, she gets a cut.
So because she was an early adopter, she is well in the money. Unfortunately for them, each new recruit makes less and less. So by the time the last person joins, they just throw what little savings they have into a black hole, namely Forever Living's (And that annoying bitch on my Facebook) bank account. This is what gets me most riled, the constant pushing of people to join. It's proof of the pyramid scheme aspect of this company. They need new members to join otherwise they are left with no-one to peddle their plant oil to. Which has literally just made a connection in my head. Plant oil? Snake oil ring any bells? If you believe these scam artists you are incredibly naïve and I hope you manage a cranium-rectum-dectomy in the near future.
So because she was an early adopter, she is well in the money. Unfortunately for them, each new recruit makes less and less. So by the time the last person joins, they just throw what little savings they have into a black hole, namely Forever Living's (And that annoying bitch on my Facebook) bank account. This is what gets me most riled, the constant pushing of people to join. It's proof of the pyramid scheme aspect of this company. They need new members to join otherwise they are left with no-one to peddle their plant oil to. Which has literally just made a connection in my head. Plant oil? Snake oil ring any bells? If you believe these scam artists you are incredibly naïve and I hope you manage a cranium-rectum-dectomy in the near future.
Image Credit: mindbodyspiritshows.com
This is a company whose website reads like one of those Facebook scam articles. Espousing the healing properties of Aloe Vera as though it will cure every disease and somehow make your mate Dave unfuck your wife. They have a wonderful section on the Science of their products, which contains zero science. Unless you count the “Science of nature” as a science. Which it isn't. You fucknut. You can always tell if something is a cast iron, bag of shit scam if they have invented their own certification for the product! I once spent an entire afternoon lifting up my balls and then dropping them down again onto a dead frog; according to FLP, if I had made up a certificate for this strange practice, it would have been scientific!
Being serious and sensible for a second, I will tell you exactly why it is not properly scientific. They do not want it to be proven that Aloe Vera doesn't actually do all that they say it does. This is a company that has revenues of over $2 billion a year, and you're telling me they can't get a proper medical lab on the go to prove how good their products are? Of course they can, they just won't. Why prove your products are all placebos when you can keep tricking brain dead “deep cleanse” freaks that you're making them healthier. That might be the case, if you're allergic to money, otherwise you're just the victim of a legal scam.
Being serious and sensible for a second, I will tell you exactly why it is not properly scientific. They do not want it to be proven that Aloe Vera doesn't actually do all that they say it does. This is a company that has revenues of over $2 billion a year, and you're telling me they can't get a proper medical lab on the go to prove how good their products are? Of course they can, they just won't. Why prove your products are all placebos when you can keep tricking brain dead “deep cleanse” freaks that you're making them healthier. That might be the case, if you're allergic to money, otherwise you're just the victim of a legal scam.
Image Credit: amazonaws.com
If however you are completely aware of the scam that is in play, yet you continue to peddle your placebo to the mentally deficient, then you're nothing but a cunt. And not in the cool, sunglasses wearing, small child beating, nightclub owning way (see above). In the taking advantage of the stupid, willing to take the last £20 of a pensioner desperate to not feel pain for one night, even though you know that it will do the square root of fuck all. You people, you're the ones that I hope have a kidney failure right this second. Don't worry though, if you do at least you have a fuck load of Aloe Vera gel to cure yourselves, right?
Mike:
|
|
Chances are if you have a Facebook account, you've probably heard of Juice Plus. What I'm here to do is tell you three things:
After reading the article that The Cunt sent to me, it made me realise how much I’d been seeing of this Juice Plus nonsense. I mean, check out all these people hocking it on my Facebook alone:
- Don’t buy Juice Plus.
- Don’t trust people who sell Juice Plus.
- If you sell Juice Plus, you are a twat.
After reading the article that The Cunt sent to me, it made me realise how much I’d been seeing of this Juice Plus nonsense. I mean, check out all these people hocking it on my Facebook alone:
Yeah, interesting, right? It’s less about the product here, more ‘Join our program’. Have another look back over our gallery of gimps hocking this shit above. Not a single price anywhere, no hyperlinks to buy from a website like Amazon, nothing that would imply that this shit is freely available for sale.
Welcome to the Juice Plus pyramid scheme. Well, it more closely fits the model of ‘multi level marketing’ or ‘network marketing’, or as it is now known ‘social marketing’, but it is a pyramid either way you look at it. A place where most of these entitled fucks can’t bring themselves to be called salesmen and will give themselves bloated job titles like ‘Direct Distributor’ or ‘Consultant’ or ‘Advisor’ or some shit. This boils my piss unbelievably. So, let’s drill a new one in Juice Plus, shall we?
Welcome to the Juice Plus pyramid scheme. Well, it more closely fits the model of ‘multi level marketing’ or ‘network marketing’, or as it is now known ‘social marketing’, but it is a pyramid either way you look at it. A place where most of these entitled fucks can’t bring themselves to be called salesmen and will give themselves bloated job titles like ‘Direct Distributor’ or ‘Consultant’ or ‘Advisor’ or some shit. This boils my piss unbelievably. So, let’s drill a new one in Juice Plus, shall we?
Quite the plethora of undying praise, all because of this fruit drink wonder product. Must be good, right? Well, take a look at this screenshot, again from my Facebook.
Image Credit: livingtoolarge.wordpress.com
First, a little about the product: Juice Plus is essentially squash tablets. Anyone can see that. The branding likes to advertise the all-fruit or all-veg contents. You can see all the nitty-gritty on the website, but it is, quite ostensibly, mashed up fruit and veg and shit. Sounds good, right? Probably. So, what about these claims that drinking this stuff will make you lose crazy weight in a stupidly short amount of time.
Here’s where the myth gets busted. Part of the Juice Plus experience is called ‘clean eating’. So, that’s no more dairy or carbs for you. Oh, you like meat? Too bad. Essentially, you don’t eat anything other than the Juice Plus shakes, maybe a leaf-based meal here and there… once in a blue moon, on Tuesdays only, if there’s a south-eastern wind blowing, if you’re wearing a green polka-dot top.
And these chunderheaded fuckwits wonder why they've lost so much weight. Clearly wasn't lost from their brain.
Here’s where the myth gets busted. Part of the Juice Plus experience is called ‘clean eating’. So, that’s no more dairy or carbs for you. Oh, you like meat? Too bad. Essentially, you don’t eat anything other than the Juice Plus shakes, maybe a leaf-based meal here and there… once in a blue moon, on Tuesdays only, if there’s a south-eastern wind blowing, if you’re wearing a green polka-dot top.
And these chunderheaded fuckwits wonder why they've lost so much weight. Clearly wasn't lost from their brain.
Image Credit: fanpop.com
Not only that, but this text heavy, dry-ass article, while being text heavy and a bit dry, actually shows that the Juice Plus tablets don’t have the right level of nutritional value as a normal diet of actual food. Whoops. Guess that’s a little more of the old violation of Trade Descriptions Act of 1969 by claiming it’s a suitable dietary replacement for the real thing. Never thought I’d get to link to this two times in a row.
But Mike, I hear you cry from your kitchens, as you prepare another shake that you think will change your life when you can’t even be arsed to get yourself into a gym and sort your life out the proper way. What about Juice Plus’s extensive clinical studies that show it’s numerous benefits? All funded by Juice Plus and trialled in Juice Plus laboratories, I’m afraid. That’s just a tad biased, don’t you think?
So, what is being sold to you is a hefty price tag for a starvation diet. I’ve got news for you, ladies and gents; a starvation diet is free. It is also a fucking stupid idea. You want to know what else is free? Exercise. Which is a cracking idea, as long as you are eating properly. Weight loss is all well and good, but you still need to sustain your body. Also, fruit and veg in their un-fucked up, non-tablet sized state is massively cheaper and almost always better for you. So, what is the price for Juice Plus?
But Mike, I hear you cry from your kitchens, as you prepare another shake that you think will change your life when you can’t even be arsed to get yourself into a gym and sort your life out the proper way. What about Juice Plus’s extensive clinical studies that show it’s numerous benefits? All funded by Juice Plus and trialled in Juice Plus laboratories, I’m afraid. That’s just a tad biased, don’t you think?
So, what is being sold to you is a hefty price tag for a starvation diet. I’ve got news for you, ladies and gents; a starvation diet is free. It is also a fucking stupid idea. You want to know what else is free? Exercise. Which is a cracking idea, as long as you are eating properly. Weight loss is all well and good, but you still need to sustain your body. Also, fruit and veg in their un-fucked up, non-tablet sized state is massively cheaper and almost always better for you. So, what is the price for Juice Plus?
Sweet tapdancing Christ! Over £70 a month?! And that's not even for the highest package?! Get fucked! A punnet of mushrooms is a quid and that will last like 4-5 days, you fucking moron! You are being sold a lifestyle change, and that should be blatantly obvious by the fact that not many of these more successful s̶c̶a̶m̶ ̶a̶r̶t̶i̶s̶t̶s̶ salesmen talk prices, but opt instead for a bunch of motivational image bullshit. Fuck me, this, ironically, makes me sick.
I was playing with the idea of naming and shaming these people from my Facebook on the off-chance that they read this, but honestly, seeing the kind of shady practice that these guys are into, I doubt it would make a difference. According to first hand accounts from users on Reddit, higher ups in the business are encouraging people to straight up delete any negative criticism of the product and unfriend people so as not to draw any negative criticism to the product or service. This leads to some funny-as-fuck moments when indoctrinated members of Juice P̶i̶s̶s̶ Plus are forced to defend themselves on battlegrounds they thought their own like MumsNet.
What’s even more fucked up is that people already involved in the Juice Plus pyramid have taken the YouTube to make falsely titled videos that then congratulate you on trying to find the scam in the business and then try to sell you the product again. These people are hiding the shady side of this business structure from you and rely on the gullibility of normal people to sell and steal from not only the public, but the very people who work for them. Talk about your infringement on free speech there. May as well hand out Juice Plus branded cloaks and sacrificial daggers, ‘cause you’re one step away from cult status.
I was playing with the idea of naming and shaming these people from my Facebook on the off-chance that they read this, but honestly, seeing the kind of shady practice that these guys are into, I doubt it would make a difference. According to first hand accounts from users on Reddit, higher ups in the business are encouraging people to straight up delete any negative criticism of the product and unfriend people so as not to draw any negative criticism to the product or service. This leads to some funny-as-fuck moments when indoctrinated members of Juice P̶i̶s̶s̶ Plus are forced to defend themselves on battlegrounds they thought their own like MumsNet.
What’s even more fucked up is that people already involved in the Juice Plus pyramid have taken the YouTube to make falsely titled videos that then congratulate you on trying to find the scam in the business and then try to sell you the product again. These people are hiding the shady side of this business structure from you and rely on the gullibility of normal people to sell and steal from not only the public, but the very people who work for them. Talk about your infringement on free speech there. May as well hand out Juice Plus branded cloaks and sacrificial daggers, ‘cause you’re one step away from cult status.
If you want more info about how these kinds of shady ass businesses operate and permeate your social circles and how to spot them before they infect your lives, the excellent Penn and Teller blew this kind of shit wide open on their show Bullshit, The Independent ran an article on when this shit first started rearing it’s ugly head in 1995 which is an excellent read and there’s a pretty comprehensive article here on the subject.
Lastly, you must be wondering what kind of person would be willing to sacrifice the trust of their friends and family and turn their relationships into money like the fucked up Midas’s they are. Sadly, the culprits are very normal and very stupid people. A vast majority of the people I have seen peddling this shit are young mums, being force fed the lie of the healthy life style for their children. This business preys on the simple minded people who want the best with none of the fuss. It seeks out self entitlement and turns it into coin. It is a fucking cancerous business movement and it could turn somebody you know or care about into a soulless penny grabber.
Let’s recap your lessons for today:
Lastly, you must be wondering what kind of person would be willing to sacrifice the trust of their friends and family and turn their relationships into money like the fucked up Midas’s they are. Sadly, the culprits are very normal and very stupid people. A vast majority of the people I have seen peddling this shit are young mums, being force fed the lie of the healthy life style for their children. This business preys on the simple minded people who want the best with none of the fuss. It seeks out self entitlement and turns it into coin. It is a fucking cancerous business movement and it could turn somebody you know or care about into a soulless penny grabber.
Let’s recap your lessons for today:
- Don’t buy Juice Plus: Don’t allow this virus to become successful in your neighbourhood.
- Don’t trust anyone who swears by Juice Plus: They have quite literally bought into the lie, and would trade you for coins if they could
- Don’t sell Juice Plus: Because if you do, you’re either brainless or soulless, but either way, you’re a twat.
Image Credit: hobbyconsolas.com
By The Cunt
Email The Cunt
A hidden face of the crew, The Cunt is main coder for Foul Entertainment games. He is currently documenting the progress of our game, Foul Fantasy, in his dev blogs.
Email The Cunt
A hidden face of the crew, The Cunt is main coder for Foul Entertainment games. He is currently documenting the progress of our game, Foul Fantasy, in his dev blogs.
By Mike Owen
@ThatMikeOwen
The Editor in Chief of Foul Entertainment, Mike edits most of what you see on the site. He runs the production of our podcasts, and currently pens Pop Culture Club and The Death of Video Games.
@ThatMikeOwen
The Editor in Chief of Foul Entertainment, Mike edits most of what you see on the site. He runs the production of our podcasts, and currently pens Pop Culture Club and The Death of Video Games.