This is what they don't tell you: This is the bullshit behind these shady businesses.
No, the company I currently hate the most, the ones that incite me to let down the tyres of the paraplegic man trying to sell me a first pressing of aloe vera gel on the premise it will "definitely cure cancer” (If it's that fucking magical why are you still wheeling around everywhere, Ironside?), the focal point of every single last drop of skin blisteringly hot jitler is Forever Living Products.
So because she was an early adopter, she is well in the money. Unfortunately for them, each new recruit makes less and less. So by the time the last person joins, they just throw what little savings they have into a black hole, namely Forever Living's (And that annoying bitch on my Facebook) bank account. This is what gets me most riled, the constant pushing of people to join. It's proof of the pyramid scheme aspect of this company. They need new members to join otherwise they are left with no-one to peddle their plant oil to. Which has literally just made a connection in my head. Plant oil? Snake oil ring any bells? If you believe these scam artists you are incredibly naïve and I hope you manage a cranium-rectum-dectomy in the near future.
Being serious and sensible for a second, I will tell you exactly why it is not properly scientific. They do not want it to be proven that Aloe Vera doesn't actually do all that they say it does. This is a company that has revenues of over $2 billion a year, and you're telling me they can't get a proper medical lab on the go to prove how good their products are? Of course they can, they just won't. Why prove your products are all placebos when you can keep tricking brain dead “deep cleanse” freaks that you're making them healthier. That might be the case, if you're allergic to money, otherwise you're just the victim of a legal scam.
- Don’t buy Juice Plus.
- Don’t trust people who sell Juice Plus.
- If you sell Juice Plus, you are a twat.
After reading the article that The Cunt sent to me, it made me realise how much I’d been seeing of this Juice Plus nonsense. I mean, check out all these people hocking it on my Facebook alone:
Welcome to the Juice Plus pyramid scheme. Well, it more closely fits the model of ‘multi level marketing’ or ‘network marketing’, or as it is now known ‘social marketing’, but it is a pyramid either way you look at it. A place where most of these entitled fucks can’t bring themselves to be called salesmen and will give themselves bloated job titles like ‘Direct Distributor’ or ‘Consultant’ or ‘Advisor’ or some shit. This boils my piss unbelievably. So, let’s drill a new one in Juice Plus, shall we?
Here’s where the myth gets busted. Part of the Juice Plus experience is called ‘clean eating’. So, that’s no more dairy or carbs for you. Oh, you like meat? Too bad. Essentially, you don’t eat anything other than the Juice Plus shakes, maybe a leaf-based meal here and there… once in a blue moon, on Tuesdays only, if there’s a south-eastern wind blowing, if you’re wearing a green polka-dot top.
And these chunderheaded fuckwits wonder why they've lost so much weight. Clearly wasn't lost from their brain.
But Mike, I hear you cry from your kitchens, as you prepare another shake that you think will change your life when you can’t even be arsed to get yourself into a gym and sort your life out the proper way. What about Juice Plus’s extensive clinical studies that show it’s numerous benefits? All funded by Juice Plus and trialled in Juice Plus laboratories, I’m afraid. That’s just a tad biased, don’t you think?
So, what is being sold to you is a hefty price tag for a starvation diet. I’ve got news for you, ladies and gents; a starvation diet is free. It is also a fucking stupid idea. You want to know what else is free? Exercise. Which is a cracking idea, as long as you are eating properly. Weight loss is all well and good, but you still need to sustain your body. Also, fruit and veg in their un-fucked up, non-tablet sized state is massively cheaper and almost always better for you. So, what is the price for Juice Plus?
I was playing with the idea of naming and shaming these people from my Facebook on the off-chance that they read this, but honestly, seeing the kind of shady practice that these guys are into, I doubt it would make a difference. According to first hand accounts from users on Reddit, higher ups in the business are encouraging people to straight up delete any negative criticism of the product and unfriend people so as not to draw any negative criticism to the product or service. This leads to some funny-as-fuck moments when indoctrinated members of Juice P̶i̶s̶s̶ Plus are forced to defend themselves on battlegrounds they thought their own like MumsNet.
What’s even more fucked up is that people already involved in the Juice Plus pyramid have taken the YouTube to make falsely titled videos that then congratulate you on trying to find the scam in the business and then try to sell you the product again. These people are hiding the shady side of this business structure from you and rely on the gullibility of normal people to sell and steal from not only the public, but the very people who work for them. Talk about your infringement on free speech there. May as well hand out Juice Plus branded cloaks and sacrificial daggers, ‘cause you’re one step away from cult status.
Lastly, you must be wondering what kind of person would be willing to sacrifice the trust of their friends and family and turn their relationships into money like the fucked up Midas’s they are. Sadly, the culprits are very normal and very stupid people. A vast majority of the people I have seen peddling this shit are young mums, being force fed the lie of the healthy life style for their children. This business preys on the simple minded people who want the best with none of the fuss. It seeks out self entitlement and turns it into coin. It is a fucking cancerous business movement and it could turn somebody you know or care about into a soulless penny grabber.
Let’s recap your lessons for today:
- Don’t buy Juice Plus: Don’t allow this virus to become successful in your neighbourhood.
- Don’t trust anyone who swears by Juice Plus: They have quite literally bought into the lie, and would trade you for coins if they could
- Don’t sell Juice Plus: Because if you do, you’re either brainless or soulless, but either way, you’re a twat.
Email The Cunt
A hidden face of the crew, The Cunt is main coder for Foul Entertainment games. He is currently documenting the progress of our game, Foul Fantasy, in his dev blogs.
The Editor in Chief of Foul Entertainment, Mike edits most of what you see on the site. He runs the production of our podcasts, and currently pens Pop Culture Club and The Death of Video Games.