It may have grabbed your attention that FoulENT has been a lot shitter for the last six weeks. Partly because Joe has been writing articles and partly because I've been on holiday for six weeks. I know what you're thinking, most places have the internet these days but I went somewhere where there is absolutely no internet. I holidayed in the West Midlands of England.
While I was travelling I had a great idea. I could use my experiences of travelling around the West Midlands to write a guide of things to do. It made even more sense as I realised I was visiting the best places that the Midlands had to offer. Utopias like Darlaston, Dudley, Tipton, Handsworth and Smethwick. I knew I had to do it, I knew that I had to let you people know the best way to spend their time in England's premiere holiday destination.
If there is one thing that really helps the time pass when in the Midlands it's drugs. I met my friend Four Bags Frank in Oldbury and he sorted me enough heroin to fuck up Kurt Cobain in 91. That really took the edge of all the rapes and murders that were going on in the streets and before you knew it I had been there for three weeks. I would totally recommend doing as many class A drugs as you can if you ever go on holiday to the Midlands. Especially Oldbury, the murder and rape capital on the world.
After I threw up blood for the fourth time I moved on from Oldbury. I went to Tipton, there's a cracking chip shop there called "Oh My Cod!"
It was here that I discovered the next thing for my list of Midlands based activities. Fingering a bird behind a chip shop. I know what you're thinking, why not shag her? The reason is that every single bird in Tipton has at least Hep C, usually HIV. A hearty fingering is disease free however, especially if you have a pickled egg first, everyone knows the pickled eggs in Tipton are so acidic they kill all living things.
After Tipton I went to Dudley, before I knew it someone called me a "fucking junkie faggot" just because I was sucking a dick for some coke. Things went pretty fast, but the CCTV they showed in court has me throat punching the cunt and then biting his eye right out of it's fucking socket. It was possibly the best Friday night I have ever had in my entire life.
I spent the night in the cells after my altercation in Dudley. Here I met a bloke named Titus. I can't say from personal experience if this is good or not, let's just say that it sounded like Titus had a good time bumming someone in prison.
You can't beat it, there is nothing better than a five knuckle shuffle. Unfortunately there are no places secluded enough to have a private furtle. Fortunately I was so whacked out on acid I thought I was hiding underneath a blanket while I did it. Wolverhampton is a hell of a town, I got a bigger crowd than the theatre does when they have their various shit bag musicals playing.
You really should check out the Midlands, where six weeks feels like one weekend and one night in jail feels like twelve inches.
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