Cut to 2017, and Stephen King has also written a sprawling epic fantasy saga which is 5000 pages long and boasts slightly less than a million words. Someone thought it would be a good idea to condense this down to a ninety minute film.
But Hollywood, having some stupid obsession with taglines, have turned these irrelevant phrases into all-emcompassing motifs. When choosing a tagline for a film, at least pick something which hasn't been solely chosen to sell merchandise to idiots. I would rather a shit tagline than an irrelevent one.
In truth, there were some okay things about this film. The main characters are pretty good at what they do and some of the fight scenes weren't awful. However, as soon as I left the theatre I found myself having entirely forgot everything that happened and therefore struggled to write this review.
In summary: I wasted my time watching this movie so you didn't have to. Many people would consider me a hero. A lot of reviews out there are making stupid claims like the film was a decent effort to translate an unfilmable series of books into a movie. Here's an outlandish idea then: don't bother. Just leave things the fuck alone. Not everything has to be messed with until the point of irrelevance. In order to make up for lost time, I'm going to watch Terminator 2 three times in a row.