I don't know how many of you readers remember the 70s. I do, vividly. It was a glorious time full of men in camel hair coats and women who swooned when their boyfriend punched someone. It seems that the ability to engage in a successful bout of fisticuffs is no longer the main requirement when it comes to being an alpha male. Welcome to the modern world, where alpha males don't fight and drink beers. Welcome to my guide to being an alpha male in the modern world.
It dawned on me a little while ago that being an alpha male in this current day and age is very different to how it used to be. A lot of people have had to redesign themselves in order to stay at the top of the totem pole. I may well be castigated as being a CIS POS, but the fact is I miss the days when it was simply a case of being as hard as nails to be an alpha male. Fortunately for me, I am nothing if not adaptable. So here is how I managed to keep myself at the top of the tree in this the poor excuse for the modern world.
1. Get A Quiff
Every single member of the current alpha generation has a ridiculous quiff. I don't know what it is that makes this the go to hair cut of choice, but it does. Like a mass collection of dirty blonde robots all wearing a tin of sardines with the lid rolled back on their heads, they have taken over the hair landscape of alpha males. No more crew cuts and no more curtains. If you want to be an alpha male, get yourself a fucking stupid quiff.
2. Get A Hat
I know, it makes no sense, you go to all of the effort of getting yourself a nice new quiff and you hide it with a fucking stupid pork pie hat. That's the modern alpha male. A quiff under a hat. It doesn't matter what hat you pick, but the more ridiculous the more of an alpha male you are. That is why I bought a hard hat and decorated it with a dildo.
3. Be A Feminist
Equal rights, pretending the gender pay gap exists, being a pussy. All of this is part of being an alpha male today. Before it was a case of keeping women at home. Now it's a case of baking the cookies for when they come home from work at their high powered job in finance. If you want to be an alpha male in the modern world you have to settle for being the bottom bitch at home. All the real alpha dogs are feminists, that's why Jason Statham isn't in any good films anymore but Robert Pattinson is.
4. Drink Craft Beer
I know what you're thinking, it tastes like someone wrung out their sock into a bottle. It really does. Every alpha male drinks craft beer in the world of today. Forget about tasting nice things for the rest of your life. Just get yourself a craft beer, garnish it with a sprig of kale and sit back in the knowledge that you're the baddest mother fucker in the whole of the 18th century Georgian cottage that has been converted into a tap house.
There you have it, there is only one way to become an alpha male in 2017. Become a hipster.
You can find all of our articles right here. Use the menus below to sort by date, author or series.