So in the vein of James Bond and, er... one of Ernest Hemingway’s characters, I'm going to write about what I know, and that’s murder. Now, we know that murder a subject not often discussed on comedy websites and for good reason. Horror films have been my genre of choice since I was a kid, and my spare time and university studies have led me to learn about, obsess over and even contact some of the most notorious murderers in the real world. The line where fictional horror meets reality is what we’ll be discussing today. Hit 'Read More' to dive into the mind of the murderer!
#4 – Jigsaw
Very little went awry with Jigsaw’s plans. Pretty much everything he predicted happened exactly as expected. Although it doesn’t happen that easily in real life, just ask David Parker Ray. David was a serial killer from New Mexico who would kidnap mostly female victims to take back to his soundproof trailer and shove things up their vaginas. How does this relate to Jigsaw? Well, first of all, the first thing that David’s victims heard was the pre-recorded tape he had made, informing them that they’d been kidnapped and would be eventually killed, after being raped and tortured for as long as they could hold out. The tools and equipment in David’s trailer was worth a total of $100,000, and like Jigsaw, David had a total of three accomplices.
Unlike Jigsaw, however, David was eventually caught after one of his victims escaped. The keys to the victims’ restraints were on a nearby table, which the victim managed to get hold of. She escaped, and David was then caught, jailed and died in 2002. The irony? It was a woman’s fault that she escaped.
#3 – John Doe
Wait, what? A chessboard? As in, 64 squares? Meaning, 64 victims?
Alexander Pichushkin was a Russian serial killer, who for some reason wanted to kill shitloads of people. He managed a total of at least 48 victims before being caught. There’s not much left to say about this asshole, other than asking what the hell is wrong with some people.
No, I don’t mean Alexander, I mean the woman who has agreed to marry him.
#2 – Otis Driftwood
Otis Driftwood is the main antagonist in the 2005 film The Devil’s Rejects. His appearance and personality is usually thought to be inspired by Charles Manson, but I somewhat disagree. Although Rob Zombie’s love of Manson is well-documented, the only similarities are that they’re both long haired, bearded and sort-of lead cults.
Something which I realised on my last watch through of The Devil’s Rejects too, is that there’s a pointless scene of a family (who later get murdered) watching a talk show. On the talk show, they mention satanic cults. Henry Lee Lucas and his accomplice Otis both made outrageous claims during their capture that they were part of a nationwide Satanic cult called the Hand of Death. We will never know if this is true, since both Lucas and Toole are dead as fuck but there’s something else here. The symbolism of the talk show. Lucas and Toole confessed to murdering six year old Adam Walsh, the son of talk show host John Walsh, although were never convicted.
#1 – Patrick Bateman
When police stepped into Rurik Jutting’s apartment last October, they found a prostitute with her throat slit, and another prostitute decapitated and folded into a suitcase. This was a particularly extreme crime in Hong Kong, given their crime rate. So who was this guy, who had carried out the most gruesome murder in Hong Kong in 12 years.
If that wasn’t enough; in a classy, Bateman-style sign off, just before murdering those hookers, Jutting even left some optimistic messages on his Facebook. That’s definitely something Bateman would have done.