I always thought politics was bullshit. The original idea for this article was to convince readers to NOT vote Conservative in favour of Labour or UKIP, or even to deploy a ‘tactical vote’ for one of the lesser-known gayer parties.
But the more research I’m doing into this bore-fest, the more I’m thinking that voting for anyone is pointless.
But the more research I’m doing into this bore-fest, the more I’m thinking that voting for anyone is pointless.
It should come as no surprise that politics is dull as fuck. Anyone who has an active interest in this sort of shit needs examining because I honestly can’t think of anything more boring. I have tried to stay away from knowing anything about politics because I believe it uses up valuable space in my brain-drive that is better used elsewhere, such as knowing how to perform The London Bridge without snapping my cock.
I agreed to take part in this article because my interest was peaked when I saw all of the government leaders on TV recently campaigning across the country, spewing their bile to anyone who would listen. The transparency of the government leaders’ bullshit made me wretch. The only thing I can compare it to is when your dad gets up on karaoke to do YMCA with three of his mates, one of which is 74 and in a wheelchair.
I agreed to take part in this article because my interest was peaked when I saw all of the government leaders on TV recently campaigning across the country, spewing their bile to anyone who would listen. The transparency of the government leaders’ bullshit made me wretch. The only thing I can compare it to is when your dad gets up on karaoke to do YMCA with three of his mates, one of which is 74 and in a wheelchair.
Image Credit: Unknown
Cameron's rendition of Spirit In The Sky was more than troubling.
I realised that it was in my best interest to avoid anything political. I had witnessed a microscopic amount of political propaganda and I was already pissed off. But I thought fuck it, I would head into this article knowing the square root of jack shit regarding my subject matter. So, armed with my limited knowledge of anything political, I set out to find what the biggest societal issues the UK is facing, and how the Conservative party was going to correct them.
But more importantly, I'll tell you what I would do if I was in charge.
But more importantly, I'll tell you what I would do if I was in charge.
Immigration
According to the Daily Mail, this is our biggest problem. First of all, we must define the term 'immigrant'. An immigrant is just someone who used to be somewhere else. Conservative’s stance on this has something to do with capping welfare and telling immigrants who look like lazy cunts to fuck off. A very similar approach will be deployed by Labour, and an even more extreme policy would be deployed by UKIP. Because of this, I don’t care who gets voted in regarding this issue. Immigrants, as we all know, are lazy assholes who bring nothing of good to our society, and the sooner we can cull them the better.
I am of course joking. Research indicates that migrants are actually proving beneficial to our economy, and –PLOT TWIST– it’s the companies who are illegally hiring them and paying them in stamps and dog shit who are fucking us over. Give a man enough rope, and he will eventually hire a foreign minority to set up the gallows for him, because he costs less than a British worker.
I am of course joking. Research indicates that migrants are actually proving beneficial to our economy, and –PLOT TWIST– it’s the companies who are illegally hiring them and paying them in stamps and dog shit who are fucking us over. Give a man enough rope, and he will eventually hire a foreign minority to set up the gallows for him, because he costs less than a British worker.
Image credit: telegraph.co.uk
"That'll teach you to contribute to OUR economy! Long live the Queen!"
What I would do: Given my limited knowledge of immigration, the economy, and politics in general, it would be easy for me to make a rash judgement. However, I believe I have the perfect solution. Immigrants in the UK are increasing, whereas there appears to be a worldwide shortage of clowns. If immigrants are willing to work for little pay, we immediately send them to clown college upon their arrival on our soil. Three months later; the universal issue of supply and demand is balanced out.
Benefits
Oh, benefits. The word alone makes me want to punch a man wearing a vest and push his pregnant wife down some stairs. That’s pretty harsh. I do not advocate the murdering of unborn children (mainly because abortion isn’t on this list, but if it was I would be ALL about murdering children). We’ve already touched on benefits in the previous problem, but hey, it’s not just foreign scum taking our money, right? Some of our home grown council estate fodder take advantage of our pussy-ass free money system too.
The Conservative response to this? Cut shitloads of money apparently. That’s a pretty good idea, taking the cuts from where it’s mostly spent, like in child benef.... Oh, child benefit is being limited ‘only’ to the first two children? This policy won’t change jack shit. All it will do is encourage laziness from parents who have less than three children. Do they really think that fat pregnant moms outside Greggs with their two kids will be thinking ‘Oh shit, my third child is due to arrive soon, I better get a job!’. If child benefit is going to be cut for any amount of children, it needs to be cut for all of them. My friend Circumcised Steve makes more money than I do by doing precisely fuck all because he has two kids who both need a haircut. A lot of these politician idiots don’t seem to understand that youth are not motivated by ambition, they are motivated by convenience. If I could make as much money as I do now by sitting on my ass watching repeats of Fraiser then I definitely would.
The Conservative response to this? Cut shitloads of money apparently. That’s a pretty good idea, taking the cuts from where it’s mostly spent, like in child benef.... Oh, child benefit is being limited ‘only’ to the first two children? This policy won’t change jack shit. All it will do is encourage laziness from parents who have less than three children. Do they really think that fat pregnant moms outside Greggs with their two kids will be thinking ‘Oh shit, my third child is due to arrive soon, I better get a job!’. If child benefit is going to be cut for any amount of children, it needs to be cut for all of them. My friend Circumcised Steve makes more money than I do by doing precisely fuck all because he has two kids who both need a haircut. A lot of these politician idiots don’t seem to understand that youth are not motivated by ambition, they are motivated by convenience. If I could make as much money as I do now by sitting on my ass watching repeats of Fraiser then I definitely would.
Image Credit: dailystar-uk.co.uk
These people probably think that Fraiser is the thing next to their fridge that they keep the chicken nuggets in.
What I would do: A televised Survivor-type series, pitting Job Centres from different regions against each other. The winning region gets to have benefits for that week. The losing team is ridiculed for the amusement of the rich. Nick Knowles presents.
The NHS or something
Now that I’ve had some time to think about it, I’ve realised what my problem is with politics. At its most basic level, politics is quite a simple notion. It acknowledges the problems which exist in society and comes up with a plan to rectify them. I.e. we take money from a place which can survive with less, and give it to someone who needs it more. We don’t like a certain race of people, so we banish them to a blackened void, and so forth.
However, politics reminds me of the time when I was a kid and I drew flames on my bike. It was a shitty bike, but it had fucking flames. Granted, they were drawn in felt tip pen, but when I drove that bike around the playground I was a bad ass. Then one afternoon it rained and the flames ran off, leaving nothing but a shitty bike in its wake. The other kids soon realised I was a fraud and I had simply used theatrics to heighten my status, and this is what politics seems like to me. It seems like politicians think too hard to solve problems which have simple solutions. All you need is a backbone and to not worry what mother fuckers think of you.
This NHS problem, then. From what I can gather, nurses and women in general are complaining that they aren’t getting paid enough, or are working too many hours, or something.
However, politics reminds me of the time when I was a kid and I drew flames on my bike. It was a shitty bike, but it had fucking flames. Granted, they were drawn in felt tip pen, but when I drove that bike around the playground I was a bad ass. Then one afternoon it rained and the flames ran off, leaving nothing but a shitty bike in its wake. The other kids soon realised I was a fraud and I had simply used theatrics to heighten my status, and this is what politics seems like to me. It seems like politicians think too hard to solve problems which have simple solutions. All you need is a backbone and to not worry what mother fuckers think of you.
This NHS problem, then. From what I can gather, nurses and women in general are complaining that they aren’t getting paid enough, or are working too many hours, or something.
Image Credit: www.northdevonhealth.nhs.uk
These nurses have over 100 years of service and 3 and a half sexual experiences between them.
What I would do: I’m afraid I can’t help you with this one ladies. This is all on you. Either get that sand out of your vagina and stop complaining or quit your job.
Just don’t come complaining to me when you’re fighting in a Survivor Series type match to keep your benefits so you can't get deported.
Just don’t come complaining to me when you’re fighting in a Survivor Series type match to keep your benefits so you can't get deported.
By Joe Turner
Joe is one of the many writers we have at Foul Entertainment, known for Plenty Of Catfish. He is a main stay on the voice cast for Disagreevances. He's also responsible for the artistic design in our games
Joe is one of the many writers we have at Foul Entertainment, known for Plenty Of Catfish. He is a main stay on the voice cast for Disagreevances. He's also responsible for the artistic design in our games