But the more research I’m doing into this bore-fest, the more I’m thinking that voting for anyone is pointless.
I agreed to take part in this article because my interest was peaked when I saw all of the government leaders on TV recently campaigning across the country, spewing their bile to anyone who would listen. The transparency of the government leaders’ bullshit made me wretch. The only thing I can compare it to is when your dad gets up on karaoke to do YMCA with three of his mates, one of which is 74 and in a wheelchair.
But more importantly, I'll tell you what I would do if I was in charge.
I am of course joking. Research indicates that migrants are actually proving beneficial to our economy, and –PLOT TWIST– it’s the companies who are illegally hiring them and paying them in stamps and dog shit who are fucking us over. Give a man enough rope, and he will eventually hire a foreign minority to set up the gallows for him, because he costs less than a British worker.
The Conservative response to this? Cut shitloads of money apparently. That’s a pretty good idea, taking the cuts from where it’s mostly spent, like in child benef.... Oh, child benefit is being limited ‘only’ to the first two children? This policy won’t change jack shit. All it will do is encourage laziness from parents who have less than three children. Do they really think that fat pregnant moms outside Greggs with their two kids will be thinking ‘Oh shit, my third child is due to arrive soon, I better get a job!’. If child benefit is going to be cut for any amount of children, it needs to be cut for all of them. My friend Circumcised Steve makes more money than I do by doing precisely fuck all because he has two kids who both need a haircut. A lot of these politician idiots don’t seem to understand that youth are not motivated by ambition, they are motivated by convenience. If I could make as much money as I do now by sitting on my ass watching repeats of Fraiser then I definitely would.
The NHS or something
However, politics reminds me of the time when I was a kid and I drew flames on my bike. It was a shitty bike, but it had fucking flames. Granted, they were drawn in felt tip pen, but when I drove that bike around the playground I was a bad ass. Then one afternoon it rained and the flames ran off, leaving nothing but a shitty bike in its wake. The other kids soon realised I was a fraud and I had simply used theatrics to heighten my status, and this is what politics seems like to me. It seems like politicians think too hard to solve problems which have simple solutions. All you need is a backbone and to not worry what mother fuckers think of you.
This NHS problem, then. From what I can gather, nurses and women in general are complaining that they aren’t getting paid enough, or are working too many hours, or something.
Just don’t come complaining to me when you’re fighting in a Survivor Series type match to keep your benefits so you can't get deported.
Joe is one of the many writers we have at Foul Entertainment, known for Plenty Of Catfish. He is a main stay on the voice cast for Disagreevances. He's also responsible for the artistic design in our games