There are way too many fucking stupid how to guides on the internet. It's bogged down with ridiculous stuff you will never use like how to fix a fence post or the perfect way to butter toast, so I thought I would remedy this shit. Here is the first ever useful how to guide ever.
How To... tell if your mate is a wanker
Image Credit: now-here-this.timeout.com
There are two meanings to the word wanker. The first is, someone who masturbates. We'll cut right to the chase on that one; Your mate is almost definitely a wanker. End of discussion.
The second meaning, is a little trickier. It's not as easy as bursting into their room at random intervals, like the first one. You have to ask yourself little questions. 'Has he just nicked my Gamecube then posted a video on YouTube of him playing it. With the caption “my new Gamecube I nicked off speccy”?' is a good start. If yes, by the way, then chances are he's a wanker. I put together a handy collection of these questions to help you get to the conclusion you need to.
1. If your Mother comes up in conversation does your mate:
(a) Say nothing, just smile and nod.
(b) Make a joke about ploughing her.
(c) Show your workmates pictures of her sucking his cock.
2. If you are struggling for cash does your mate:
(a) Give you a tenner.
(b) Lend you a tenner.
(c) Show you a different picture of your Mom sucking his cock.
3. The last time you went to the pub did your mate:
(a) Drive everyone to save on a taxi.
(b) Get the first round in.
(c) Get monumentally pissed and shag your missus.
4. Last Christmas morning did you wake up to:
(a) A present from your best mate.
(b) A text message saying Merry Christmas from your best mate.
(c) Your naked best mate coming out of your Mom's room and insisting you call him Dad or you will get no presents.
5. The most embarrassing moment of your childhood was
(a) When you tripped and fell in PE on the first day of high school.
(b) When you got kegged by Fatty Newman at dinner time on day.
(c) When your best mate had a shit in the hood of your coat and you put the hood up.
If you chose mostly C's then your best friend is a wanker. Not only that, but you're a spineless pussy. The only way that Christmas one could have been worse is if he had fucked the turkey!
The second meaning, is a little trickier. It's not as easy as bursting into their room at random intervals, like the first one. You have to ask yourself little questions. 'Has he just nicked my Gamecube then posted a video on YouTube of him playing it. With the caption “my new Gamecube I nicked off speccy”?' is a good start. If yes, by the way, then chances are he's a wanker. I put together a handy collection of these questions to help you get to the conclusion you need to.
1. If your Mother comes up in conversation does your mate:
(a) Say nothing, just smile and nod.
(b) Make a joke about ploughing her.
(c) Show your workmates pictures of her sucking his cock.
2. If you are struggling for cash does your mate:
(a) Give you a tenner.
(b) Lend you a tenner.
(c) Show you a different picture of your Mom sucking his cock.
3. The last time you went to the pub did your mate:
(a) Drive everyone to save on a taxi.
(b) Get the first round in.
(c) Get monumentally pissed and shag your missus.
4. Last Christmas morning did you wake up to:
(a) A present from your best mate.
(b) A text message saying Merry Christmas from your best mate.
(c) Your naked best mate coming out of your Mom's room and insisting you call him Dad or you will get no presents.
5. The most embarrassing moment of your childhood was
(a) When you tripped and fell in PE on the first day of high school.
(b) When you got kegged by Fatty Newman at dinner time on day.
(c) When your best mate had a shit in the hood of your coat and you put the hood up.
If you chose mostly C's then your best friend is a wanker. Not only that, but you're a spineless pussy. The only way that Christmas one could have been worse is if he had fucked the turkey!
How To... effectively dance in club when sober
Image Credit: succeedwithsupreme.com
Don't. You twat.
How To... drink whiskey without pulling a face
Image Credit: flickr.com
Piece of piss. Just think about that picture of your Mother noshing your mate. If that doesn't make your jaw clench then nothing will! Just remember this, if you put a worm in a glass of whiskey it dies. So by drinking whiskey, at least you won't get worms.
How To... walk in the rain
Image Credit: digitaldeconstruction.com
You know how it is. It's hard not to look like a prick when it's raining. It's all good until your trousers get wet, then you do that stupid straight legged waddle. Everyone indoors and under umbrellas looks at you like you're possessed by John Cleese.
There is a simple trick to this. Stop walking like a fuckwit. Bend your legs. It's just a bit of water. When you get in you're going to get in the bath, are you going to go all rigid then? No! You twat. Just walk properly.
There is a simple trick to this. Stop walking like a fuckwit. Bend your legs. It's just a bit of water. When you get in you're going to get in the bath, are you going to go all rigid then? No! You twat. Just walk properly.
How To... look at tits properly
Image Credit: smosh.com
This one is vitally important to get right. Never look at the knockers right away. Always look at the eyes. You watch those eyes like a fucking hawk. Don't shift your gaze away from those big, beautiful apertures into her essence. Well, until she shifts hers. Then you have yourself a right old look. Make sure you keep an eye out for her eyes coming back to you though or you might get caught.
The other technique is one used by Formula One drivers the world over; sunglasses! If you wear yourself some nice tinted sunglasses, you can look at lills to your hearts content. Be warned though; if its night or you're indoors, it gives away your intentions. Unless it's a fancy dress party, then you must always dress like one of The Blues Brothers.
The other technique is one used by Formula One drivers the world over; sunglasses! If you wear yourself some nice tinted sunglasses, you can look at lills to your hearts content. Be warned though; if its night or you're indoors, it gives away your intentions. Unless it's a fancy dress party, then you must always dress like one of The Blues Brothers.
How To... pick which Guns 'N Roses album to listen to
Image Credit: nelsonnyman.com
This is an easy one. Their Greatest Hits. Or to give it its official title, Appetite for Destruction.
How To... ask a partner to go halves on a bill
Image Credit: wisegeek.com
Don't. If you want a shag, you pay. If you're married, she will just use your card to pay. If you're gay, the top should pay. It's only fair considering what the bottom puts up with.
How To... eat spare ribs on a date
Image Credit: daisymaysbbq.com
Properly. With your fucking hands. That way it lets her know you don't mind the odd rainbow kiss. She will love that.
How To... impress someone in a nightclub
Image Credit: vindicarlo.com
No idea. Just don't dance. You twat.
By The Cunt
Email The Cunt
A hidden face of the crew, The Cunt is main coder for the Foul Entertainment Gaming department. He is currently documenting the progress of our game, Foul Fantasy, in his dev blogs.
Email The Cunt
A hidden face of the crew, The Cunt is main coder for the Foul Entertainment Gaming department. He is currently documenting the progress of our game, Foul Fantasy, in his dev blogs.