How To... tell if your mate is a wanker
The second meaning, is a little trickier. It's not as easy as bursting into their room at random intervals, like the first one. You have to ask yourself little questions. 'Has he just nicked my Gamecube then posted a video on YouTube of him playing it. With the caption “my new Gamecube I nicked off speccy”?' is a good start. If yes, by the way, then chances are he's a wanker. I put together a handy collection of these questions to help you get to the conclusion you need to.
1. If your Mother comes up in conversation does your mate:
(a) Say nothing, just smile and nod.
(b) Make a joke about ploughing her.
(c) Show your workmates pictures of her sucking his cock.
2. If you are struggling for cash does your mate:
(a) Give you a tenner.
(b) Lend you a tenner.
(c) Show you a different picture of your Mom sucking his cock.
3. The last time you went to the pub did your mate:
(a) Drive everyone to save on a taxi.
(b) Get the first round in.
(c) Get monumentally pissed and shag your missus.
4. Last Christmas morning did you wake up to:
(a) A present from your best mate.
(b) A text message saying Merry Christmas from your best mate.
(c) Your naked best mate coming out of your Mom's room and insisting you call him Dad or you will get no presents.
5. The most embarrassing moment of your childhood was
(a) When you tripped and fell in PE on the first day of high school.
(b) When you got kegged by Fatty Newman at dinner time on day.
(c) When your best mate had a shit in the hood of your coat and you put the hood up.
If you chose mostly C's then your best friend is a wanker. Not only that, but you're a spineless pussy. The only way that Christmas one could have been worse is if he had fucked the turkey!
How To... effectively dance in club when sober
How To... drink whiskey without pulling a face
How To... walk in the rain
There is a simple trick to this. Stop walking like a fuckwit. Bend your legs. It's just a bit of water. When you get in you're going to get in the bath, are you going to go all rigid then? No! You twat. Just walk properly.
How To... look at tits properly
The other technique is one used by Formula One drivers the world over; sunglasses! If you wear yourself some nice tinted sunglasses, you can look at lills to your hearts content. Be warned though; if its night or you're indoors, it gives away your intentions. Unless it's a fancy dress party, then you must always dress like one of The Blues Brothers.
How To... pick which Guns 'N Roses album to listen to
How To... ask a partner to go halves on a bill
How To... eat spare ribs on a date
How To... impress someone in a nightclub
Email The Cunt
A hidden face of the crew, The Cunt is main coder for the Foul Entertainment Gaming department. He is currently documenting the progress of our game, Foul Fantasy, in his dev blogs.