I know what you're thinking "But Frank, back when you were The Cunt you hated MLM companies" and you'd be right. I do hate them, with a burning hot passion. But you know what they say: if you can't beat them, join them. Well I'm not joining them per se. I am setting up my own MLM company, and this is your chance to join.
There are five steps when you join FFP that you must follow if you want to join my team. If you want to make money - and let's be honest who doesn't? - then you have to follow these points to the letter.
1. Pay Yours Bills
The first thing you have to do is make sure you pay your kick back upstairs. I'm not a violent man, but if I don't get my money my mate Big Norm will smash your fucking knees in. Anyway, the bills are £900 a month plus 25% of whatever you earn. That way even if you make a crippling loss ( and you probably will, our product is junk and over priced ) you still have to pay me my money, or I have your kneecaps.
2. Post This Shit To Facebook Constantly
You have got to post this at least 15 times a day. If you don't you incur a charge of £300. Which if you refer to rule 1, means you owe me £1200. Post this constantly. If any of your friends question what the blends of vitamins does or means or anything, delete them. If you get into a debate, keep your answers vague and whatever you do tell everyone our company is different. If anyone asks to join, tell them to inbox you for more details. Always say inbox, it sounds more business like than any other phrase. Except maybe under desk blow job.
3. Spend Your Rent Money On Successories
You don't need to pay your bills, apart from the one you pay me, rent/mortgage, council tax, electricity. They are all luxury items that you need a lot less than a brand spanking new car. If you want to sucker in more morons to make money for me, and possibly you if you manage to make any money, which with our wafer thin mark ups you definitely won't, you need to give the illusion of success. That is given by buying fancy cars, trainers, high class escorts, cocaine and Russian mail order brides. If people see you doing this, they will instantly want to be a part of your team. Then when you have 450 people under you, the money starts to roll in. To me.
4. Don't Tell Anyone The Price
At least not until after you have their bank details. I mean come on, who in their right mind is going to spend £900 a month plus give away a quarter of what they earn? You get those bank details and you empty that bank quicker than Ron Jeremy empties his plums onto a much more attractive woman's tits.
5. Give Your Team An Inspiring Name
Something like Team Tigers will do. Anything that makes people think you are achieving something other than stealing as much of their time and money as possible. Remember you're not doing anything wrong, employers take advantage of their workers every single day. All you are doing is exploiting a legal loophole in a broken system. You should definitely sleep well at night and not feel guilty at all. If people start to doubt, just mention a company trip to Las Vegas that the top earners get to go on. Which is not a lie, I am the top earner and I am going to fucking Vegas!
By Frank King
Email Frank King
Frank is known for his outspoken opinions on everything and anything, as well as his next-level social network trolling. He is also the main coder for Foul ENT games and documents the progress of Foul Fantasy in his dev blogs.
Email Frank King
Frank is known for his outspoken opinions on everything and anything, as well as his next-level social network trolling. He is also the main coder for Foul ENT games and documents the progress of Foul Fantasy in his dev blogs.