A lot of things have happened across the last two years. Some bad, some good. What a lot of you need to understand is that 2016 wasn't the horror show the media made it out to be. Sure a seemingly endless supply of "legends" died, but there is a few reasons for that. This article isn't the place for the reasons, but the fact is that the golden age of celebrities that was ushered in by films becoming just a big thing just meant that a hell of a lot of rampant drug abusers all ran into early deaths at around about the same time. Nothing more, nothing less. That being said, there were a few things that happened that have lead to the decreased commercial worth of some celebrities and as such, their forthcoming merchandise has been cancelled. Our mole at the BBC shared a few with us, and we are sharing them with you kind reader.
1. The Rolf Harris 2017 Calendar
Rolf had a right bitch of a year. If he wasn't being exposed as a ridiculous pervert, paedophile and rapist, he was writing appalling songs in his jail cell about how he was innocent! I know they say that you can't keep a good man down, but it seems that sometimes you can't keep a bad one down either! Things got even worse for him and his family when this monstrosity was cancelled!
Even worse than that fucking cartoon club!
Honestly I can't work out what is worse, that he actually pulled that face in public, or thought that anyone would want to see a different picture of his face on their wall each month. Then again if there's one thing that we have learned about Rolf recently it's that he has no issue with forcing himself into your bedroom.
2. Prince Won't Be Shagging An Inexplicably Attractive Woman
Prince was known for three things. Being really small, changing his name to a picture at one point in time and sleeping with incredibly attractive women. Despite being shorter than a worm's dick, Prince has an almost 100% shagging rate with women at the top of the league tables of tidy women!
Maybe he paid them a Princely sum?
2017 however will not be the year where Prince slips a length to any more amazonian beauties. There's a very good reason for this. Prince is dead. That means he's no longer a musician. There isn't a short bloke on the planet who can shag an attractive woman if he's not a musician. Dying is definitely the worst thing that could have happened to Prince's sex life.
3. Men
It turns out that everyone hates men these days. If you're a man the best thing you can do is stay in-fucking-doors. As a man myself I find this advice a little upsetting, but last time I went outside I was confronted by a horde of bra burning lesbians who told me that they should be paid the same as me. When I told them how much I get paid they all agreed that they were unwilling to take a pay cut, and they bought me a Subway. However not everyone is paid in fish heads by Joe and Gasher, so the rest of you probably won't have as much luck as me.
4. Han Solo or Princess Leia In A Star Wars Sequel
Tough shit nerds. As if it wasn't enough that they killed off Blade Runner in the newest Star Wars, it turns out that last year killed off John Belushi's wife in real life. As if it wasn't hard enough for those sad, acne ridden virgins to leave the cinema with an erection and semen all over their popcorn, now they have to go through the rest of their life with the knowledge that they will never see Princess Leia on screen with Han Solo again. The sound of a million inhalers being smashed, is a sound that I love. I love that sound. You know.
5. Harrison Ford Having A Mother Daughter Combo With Carrie Fisher And Debbie Reynolds
Probably the greatest three way that will never happen again. Everyone has done sex tapes these days. Hulk Hogan. Kim Kardashian. Tim Vine. David Cameron. The one that won't be released this year though, is the one at the top of every virgins wish list. There were rumours that back in the 70s while all three were ripped to the tits on coke, they had possibly the best threesome ever. Of course cameras didn't exist in those days so there is no sex tape available.
I'll shoot first, up your Mom. Then you.
To be honest none of these things will be missed in 2017. Not even men, I've met thousands of men in my life and I hate all of them except six. That is a small enough number for me to know that them staying indoors is a good thing.
2017 will be exactly the same as 2016. An average year. If you believe any different you're a moron.
2017 will be exactly the same as 2016. An average year. If you believe any different you're a moron.
By Frank King
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Frank is known for his outspoken opinions on everything and anything, as well as his next-level social network trolling. He is also the main coder for Foul ENT games and documents the progress of Foul Fantasy in his dev blogs.