Last time I wrote, it was pretty much a how-to guide. A 'being a cunt for dummies' book, which would have been released by now if the lawyers at John Wiley ever release my fucking manuscript! This time I'm going to focus on five people who don't need any of my help in the slightest.
The Adam Johnson trial and conviction reignited my interest in footballing cunts. I'm the only FoulENT writer who likes football, because I'm a cunt. That doesn't mean I will defend it when it doesn't deserve defending, however. This list is far from exhaustive, nor does it include the biggest cunt in football (That would be Lee Hughes, who smashed into a car while possibly (fucking probably) off his face on drink and drugs and subsequently killed a man and severely injured his wife. Grade A cunt!). What it is, is list of five who popped into my head while writing this.
So, without further ado, here are five footballing cunts!
So, without further ado, here are five footballing cunts!
Dennis Wise
Image Credit: theguardian.com
Generally known as a an annoying little cunt during his playing career, Dennis Wise managed to take things to the next level during a night out in 1994. What follows is based on pure conjecture, so all known facts will be in bold. Dennis Wise got pissed up in his mate's club. When he left the club he hailed a taxi with his mate and missus. The taxi driver accidentally hit his missus with the door. They argued and then Dennis Wise smashed the glass partition and punched the 65 year old taxi driver. Wise then got his cock out and pissed on the tyres like the annoying little dog that he is.
He was sentenced to three months in jail but it was overturned on appeal, because in the words of the judge, "You're a right little cunt, but you're rich and famous so you can get away with punching senior citizens in the head."
He was sentenced to three months in jail but it was overturned on appeal, because in the words of the judge, "You're a right little cunt, but you're rich and famous so you can get away with punching senior citizens in the head."
John Terry
Image Credit: theguardian.com
I don't really need to say too much here do I? Good old JT; If he isn't calling Anton Ferdinand a black cunt in possibly the most ironic insult ever (John's Dad is noted black man Terry Crews) or shagging his team mates birds, then he's being accused of racially abusing Ledley King in 2006. They're the big ones that everyone remembers though. They forget the other things he's done. Like in the aftermath of September 11th (2001 in case you thought I meant some other September 11th), when he got pissed up and drunkenly mocked American tourists at Heathrow. Or how about when he was caught on CCTV pissing in a pint glass and chucking it on the floor in a nightclub? They're not that bad, are they? I mean they're not pleasant, and it definitely makes him a cunt. But enough of a cunt to be on this list? How about in 2002 when he gave a bouncer a beating and was charged with assault?
Seriously, if he wasn't a footballer he'd be on Jeremy Kyle getting shouted at by a gambling addict who shags 16 year olds, and whoever Jeremy's other guest was on that day.
Seriously, if he wasn't a footballer he'd be on Jeremy Kyle getting shouted at by a gambling addict who shags 16 year olds, and whoever Jeremy's other guest was on that day.
Liam Ridgewell
Image Credit: thesun.co.uk
Footballers in the 60's used to travel to games with supporters. There are stories abound about players being on the bus with the fans, boots in a paper bag at one with everyone else. Completely and utterly a part of the working class from where they (mostly) came.
Compare that with the modern footballer, who thinks nothing of leaving his expensive car in a disabled bay for days at a time, possibly because they hate cripples (because they're shit at football) and also because the fine is hardly worth their time.
Liam Ridgewell is a player who is so far removed from reality that he thought it would be a good idea to photograph himself wiping his arse with a handful of money. Not coins either, £20 notes! That's a bad enough idea in itself, posting it to instagram where all the fans who pay your wages can see it and seethe over it is just top of the list of 'tricks performed by a cunt'. I wasn't going to put him on this list, honestly, but if you've seen the picture you'll know that he made the effort to stand over the toilet while he was doing it. There is only one word for that. Cunt.
Compare that with the modern footballer, who thinks nothing of leaving his expensive car in a disabled bay for days at a time, possibly because they hate cripples (because they're shit at football) and also because the fine is hardly worth their time.
Liam Ridgewell is a player who is so far removed from reality that he thought it would be a good idea to photograph himself wiping his arse with a handful of money. Not coins either, £20 notes! That's a bad enough idea in itself, posting it to instagram where all the fans who pay your wages can see it and seethe over it is just top of the list of 'tricks performed by a cunt'. I wasn't going to put him on this list, honestly, but if you've seen the picture you'll know that he made the effort to stand over the toilet while he was doing it. There is only one word for that. Cunt.
Joey Barton
Image Credit: frenchfootballweekly.com
There are a lot of reasons to hate Joey Barton. You know, like his ridiculous hair. That's the hair of a cunt if ever I saw it. Or his attempts to appear intelligent on Twitter.
Thanks for that. You cunt.
Buuuuttt, how about we delve into the real reasons he is a cunt. In 2008, he got involved in an incident in Liverpool that ended up with 77 days in jail. Later, in 2008, he attacked a team mate in training. He has been charged with violence two further times by the FA, once for punching a player in the stomach and once for attacking numerous players. All of that makes him a massive cunt But the icing on the cunt cake? Stubbing out a cigar in a youth team player's eye while at Man City. Absolute fucking cunt.
Russel Hoult/Graham Rix
This one is a twofer! We've all heard about Adam Johnson; The ex Sunderland footballer who got caught trying to shag a 15 year old he met on Facebook. For any Americans out there, I am reliably informed this is known as 'Tyga-ing' in your neck of the woods. I'm going to talk about two footballing cunts from the past, one who didn't get as far as Johnson and one who got further...
Image Credit: premierleague.com
Russel Hoult was a half-decent goalkeeper. He enjoyed the odd extra marital affair, sometimes filming himself in club polo shirts with young ladies, like a low rent Bosnich and Yorke. Things took a turn for the perverted when he started sending saucy letters to a 15 year old girl. For starters; Letters?! I told you they were cunts from the past. Second, how do you pick up a 15 year old girl and start sending her letters in the 90's? That's a rhetorical question by the way, I don't want anyone emailing answers. Either way, all this makes him a massive cunt. What makes it worse? He got off without any charges, his lawyer arguing that the letters were no worse than a saucy seaside postcard. I guess you could talk about your cock to a child as long as it was steeped in Sid James style innuendo back in the 90's. Russel Hoult? Dodgy cunt.
Image Credit: premierleague.com
Graham Rix played football at the top level in the 70s and 80s. He was a highly respected youth coach and worked his way to assistant manager at Chelsea. He won the FA Cup while there, as well as the League cup. Then in February 1999, he decided to shag a 15 year old girl. He was sentenced to 12 months in prison. He served the full 12 months and Chelsea sacked him as soon as a guilty verdict was reached... Actually that is untrue, he served six months and Chelsea held the post for him until he got out of jail. So not only is Graham Rix a cunt, but so are Chelsea FC.
It's easy to say that all footballers are cunts. So I will, and if this article doesn't prove it to you. Nothing will.
It's easy to say that all footballers are cunts. So I will, and if this article doesn't prove it to you. Nothing will.
By The Cunt
Email The Cunt
A hidden face of the crew, The Cunt is main coder for Foul Entertainment games. He is currently documenting the progress of our game, Foul Fantasy, in his dev blogs.
Email The Cunt
A hidden face of the crew, The Cunt is main coder for Foul Entertainment games. He is currently documenting the progress of our game, Foul Fantasy, in his dev blogs.