Ranting. It's the domain of the young and the old. People in the middle like me are supposed to be fulfilled, happy and full of 'joie de vivre'. Some would say using phrases like 'joie de vivre' makes me old or pretentious, but to them I say 'Va te faire foutre'. There are a lot of problems with the world today, massive problems that are beyond the remit of a small website run by people who like comics, films, games and dick jokes. The small problems though, they are well within our remit. Or, more accurately, my remit. Here's why you can solve those problems, and why you should, seeing as they are YOUR fault!
Stop Watching Shit: 'Reality' TV
We are currently in the golden age of television. There's no two ways about it, the choice that we have as people now is more than it has ever been and the quality is amazing! There is so much quality programming out there now that there is literally not enough time to watch it all and hold down a job and friends. In the last 15 years we have had The Wire, The Shield, Breaking Bad, True Detective, Marvel's Daredevil, Marvel's Jessica Jones, Outlander, The Americans, The Man in the High Castle, Mr Robot, The Following, Criminal Minds, Hannibal, Entourage, Arrested Development, Archer... I could go on but this article would be 5000 words and still no end in sight, you get my point.
Why is this a problem? It's not, it's fantastic. The problem is that most of you don't watch it. You watch X-Factor. Or Strictly Come Dancing. Or I'm a Celebrity. Or Made in Chelsea... Again, I could go on. You would rather watch nonentities doing nothing of note. It's not helping things. This is why television is looked down on, something like The Wire is just as valid as any form of entertainment, and just as nourishing for the brain. Britain's Got Talent? You may as well scoop out sections of your brain and replace them with a selection of items from the Ant and Dec online store!
Why is this a problem? It's not, it's fantastic. The problem is that most of you don't watch it. You watch X-Factor. Or Strictly Come Dancing. Or I'm a Celebrity. Or Made in Chelsea... Again, I could go on. You would rather watch nonentities doing nothing of note. It's not helping things. This is why television is looked down on, something like The Wire is just as valid as any form of entertainment, and just as nourishing for the brain. Britain's Got Talent? You may as well scoop out sections of your brain and replace them with a selection of items from the Ant and Dec online store!
Image Credit: irishexaminer.com
Pictured: Why David Tennant is so desperate to work in America
Why is it your fault?: Because you keep watching it. Every time you vote for some muscular builder to continue murdering Bon Jovi songs. Every time you wear your fingers to the bone blabbering on Facebook how it's surprising they let Mark ice skating, what with the HIV and that. All of it is your fault.
How can you fix it?: Stop watching crap and take advantage of what is there for you. The quality on offer will turn you around. You won't be disappointed!
How can you fix it?: Stop watching crap and take advantage of what is there for you. The quality on offer will turn you around. You won't be disappointed!
Stop Reading Shit: Newspapers
Newspapers. What a pile of shit. If they aren't heaping slanderous lies on Jeremy Corbyn or the nation's Muslim population, they're just plain being rubbish. Every day they give people like that twat Richard Littlejohn and that bellend Russell Brand and that prick Tony Parsons... you get the picture.
Image Credit: theguardian.com
Pictured: the greatest work of lies since the New Testament.
Every day they funnel shit into your gullets and you just keep on fucking taking it. Piers Morgan was editor of The Mirror for years, and it didn't go out of business. Doesn't that tell you enough? You allow these liars to keep telling you what to think. You put up with the bollocks they feed you and don't try to change it.
Why is it your fault?: Isn't it obvious? You keep buying the fucking things.
How can you fix it?: Again, isn't it obvious? Stop buying the fucking things.
Why is it your fault?: Isn't it obvious? You keep buying the fucking things.
How can you fix it?: Again, isn't it obvious? Stop buying the fucking things.
Stop Supporting Shit: Sport
I love sport. I won't lie, I'm part of the problem. Sport, however, is becoming a problem. Sport is becoming so bloated with money that the common person is completely and utterly isolated from sportsmen. It's common knowledge that sportsmen have a short career. They should be paid a decent percentage of revenues. However, that revenue is far too high. TV companies pay too much to get the rights. Sports clubs charge too much for tickets and merchandise. Every level of sport is steeped in way too much money. They get hyper inflated opinions of themselves, to the point where an absolute cunt of a man like John Terry feels comfortable telling the whole world that only people who have achieved what he has in his chosen sport can criticise him!
Well, my mate Jary has shagged far more women than he has, and he thinks he's a cunt. It gets worse though, Oscar Pistorious straight up murdered a woman and as good as got away with it. Why? Well partly because he is off his rocker, and partly because the amount of wealth his sport has afforded him has made him think he is above the law.
Well, my mate Jary has shagged far more women than he has, and he thinks he's a cunt. It gets worse though, Oscar Pistorious straight up murdered a woman and as good as got away with it. Why? Well partly because he is off his rocker, and partly because the amount of wealth his sport has afforded him has made him think he is above the law.
Image Credit: supersport.com
Pictured: What Oscar thought it would be like when he 'accidentally' murdered his wife
Sport is becoming a disease, the money that is spent on sport in this country could easily be halved and the sportsmen would still earn a very good living. All that extra money could be spent on good causes. Like "The Cunt's Mortgage Fund" and other actual good causes.
Why is it your fault?: Got a Sports package on your telly? Pay the ridiculous over priced tickets to events? Yeah, you're liable.
How can you fix it?: Stop going. Refuse to fund Lance Armstrong buying all of the testicles on eBay. Make them realise that until things become more reasonable, their cash cow is not going to be fed.
What have I missed, other than Piers Morgan somehow becoming an even bigger cunt in the time it took you to read all of this article? Hit the comments if you have more to add, or want to rip apart what I already said.
Why is it your fault?: Got a Sports package on your telly? Pay the ridiculous over priced tickets to events? Yeah, you're liable.
How can you fix it?: Stop going. Refuse to fund Lance Armstrong buying all of the testicles on eBay. Make them realise that until things become more reasonable, their cash cow is not going to be fed.
What have I missed, other than Piers Morgan somehow becoming an even bigger cunt in the time it took you to read all of this article? Hit the comments if you have more to add, or want to rip apart what I already said.
By The Cunt
Email The Cunt
A hidden face of the crew, The Cunt is main coder for Foul Entertainment games. He is currently documenting the progress of our game, Foul Fantasy, in his dev blogs.
Email The Cunt
A hidden face of the crew, The Cunt is main coder for Foul Entertainment games. He is currently documenting the progress of our game, Foul Fantasy, in his dev blogs.