Everyone's a Critic: Reviewing the Reviews (30 Days of Stuff)

I was trying to buy some hair removal cream for my balls the other day on Amazon. Seeing all the reviews gave me an awesome idea, I should comments under people's reviews, but funny ones. Very similar to the funny reviews other people were doing, but different, because I was doing it. To them.

So I typed out an awesome comment, possibly involving a hole in one joke, you know because they are under armour trousers for golf. I clicked post, and my day was ruined. You can't post comments unless you have bought the product. So instead of buying all the products, I just screenshotted some reviews, so that I can review them ​here. 

The first one that I came across was a review for some shampoo or something, I don't know, I didn't check. Anyway, here it is.

The first thing I have to say about this review is, specifics! I am assuming it is a young lady, due to the name. Pittam is a very feminine surname. What the young lady doesn't specify is exactly how long her hair is. The first sentence says, now I have grown my hair. What? Were you bald before Jennifer? Or have you just started puberty, and what was once a very detailed and mildly creepy ode to the quality of Tresemme shampoo, has turned into a very detailed and fucking weird ode to the quality of Tresemme shampoo.

I don't want to judge too heavily, I've shampooed my schlong thatch before, I've never been so impressed that I felt the need to log onto Amazon to register just how good it made my pubes feel though. Maybe that is why I write on a bad ass website instead of Amazon.

My favourite part of this review is definitely where young Jennifer tells us all to follow the instructions, because using shampoo is so fucking difficult. Either that or when she tells us that two bottles of shampoo are going to last her over a year, like some kind of greasy haired church organist. Maybe that's why she gets so excited at washing her hair, it's a monthly event.

This guy was not impressed with Fallout 4. I'm even less impressed with his maths skills. 1 star out of five, but he also gives it 4/10. 

I give this review 1 star out of 5, it's sloppy, angry and ill thought out. 76%

This guy is reviewing 1984, you know the prequel to 1985. Anyway, he has completely missed the point. 1984 is actually about how crack cocaine was first introduced to Los Angeles. What a fucking idiot. 

My theory on what happened to that review is Stuart Maconie got so upset that there are no more I love the 80s shows, he has just started rambling about the 80's on everything he can find on Amazon that has a year in the title. 

Really? Well pull me up a fucking stool while I wile away the hours listening to this raconteur. The worst thing about this, is that they have obviously listened to whatever that album was, but did a much worse job reviewing it than we did on albums we'd never heard!

The absolute worst thing about trawling through all of the reviews on Amazon, was the amount of people who had obviously bought products purely to leave a funny comment on it. Although, this is coming from a man who took screenshots of some of the reviews and then made snarky comments, so who the fuck am I to talk?

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By The Cunt
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A hidden face of the crew, The Cunt is main coder for Foul Entertainment games. He is currently documenting the progress of our game, Foul Fantasy, in his dev blogs.

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